|Reviews for Tarkin's Fist|
| PoptartProdigy chapter 55 . 2/15
"The planet truly is fascinating. It's slightly alkaline and contains chloride, sodium, magnesium, and get this even potassium."
"'Potassium?' Kuat almost choked on his wine...'Are you positive it's potassium?' he gasped."
"The mysterious eighth element was only found in laboratory conditions back in the Empire...the element had remained extremely hard to come across."
From the University of Maryland's Medical Center's web page on potassium (first result for Google Search, "role of potassium in the body," at time of writing):
"Potassium is a very important mineral for the proper function of all cells, tissues, and organs in the human body. It is also an electrolyte, a substance that conducts electricity in the body...potassium is crucial to heart function and plays a key role in skeletal and smooth muscle contraction, making it important for normal digestive and muscular function...many foods contain potassium, including all meats...dairy products are also good sources of potassium."
"You'll have to get me some samples of this potassium when you have the chance."
POTASSIUM is the element you go for as the ultra-rare substance in our system they just have to have? That's like saying they need to invade immediately in order to seize our vast natural resources of the fabled wonder gas, OXYGEN!
I'm sorry, that was the sound of my suspension of disbelief shattering into thousands of tiny, weeping pieces. One moment.
I'm doubly flabbergasted by this due to the keen and obviously studied knowledge you display of the mechanics of meteorology and astronomy as applied to terraforming. Marsforming. Whatever. You did the research there, why the hell not here? Seriously, what happened? Why couldn't you have picked meitnerium, or something equally obscure? I could buy meitnerium being absent from the Star Wars galaxy. Well, maybe not, but I'd buy it easier than I'd buy potassium!
Well, at least that was all that-
"His recent meeting with the new head of DiploServe had been alarming...the girl had quickly figured out what buttons to push...it was just incredibly hard to deny the eleven year old anything..."
T-the eleven-year-old...is outmaneuvering...seasoned politicians...scientific genii...and...shrewd...businessme-*snap*
Right, I'ma need some time away from this story. Take a break. Get a bit of a breather. Sleep this off like a baaaaaad hangover. I'll be back when I can get my suspension of disbelief in working order again, but for the moment it's just shot. See ya!
| PoptartProdigy chapter 53 . 2/14
Hm...why yes, Mr. President, I do believe you're right. Them having moved from Jupiter to Mars does indeed constitute a significantly lesser distance. Well done, sir!
Sorry for that. I felt compelled to mock him. Carry on, this is awesome.
| PoptartProdigy chapter 52 . 2/14
*eyebrows being somewhere in the upper stratosphere, delivering his thoughts in a half-stunned voice* An eleven-year-old? In charge of diplomatic operations for such a massive fleet? I'm...fairly certain I'm supposed to be reading this as a massive flaw in Yos's judgment. Either that or the biggest indication that he couldn't possibly care any less about diplomacy. Seriously, her presence at any negotiation table wouldn't be *laughable*, it would be a monumental *insult*. Well, I'll call it interesting. And nepotism. Ah, nepotism! There hasn't been enough of that in this story yet.
| PoptartProdigy chapter 48 . 2/14
I'm...starting to get the impression that these Imperials don't really get the concept of slaves.
Now, just to clarify, slavery is a horrifying institution that should never occur, and I find it to be absolutely abhorrent. That said, there are a few very obvious things central to the idea of slaves that the Imperials clearly aren't understanding.
Exhibit A: If you set a group of slaves to a task, and one of them returns with a demand for freedom and wages, your response is to (if you're nice) laugh and make them do it anyway. If you aren't nice, you whip and/or execute some before making them do it anyway (Once again, morally bankrupt practice, but it is so frustrating that they don't get this).
Exhibit B: Slaves have been performing well. In response, you extend to them: sincere congratulations and extended privileges, NOT freedom and wages. Sincere congratulations offers them praise for performing well at their role, which encourages the development of Stockholm Syndrome. The extended privileges incentivize good performance while hastening Stockholm even more. If you free them, however, then they aren't slaves anymore, which completely defeats the purpose (no, it doesn't matter how likable the characters benefiting from this inane practice are; it's just unbelievable).
Exhibit C (This one's a biggy): A team of guards was attacked in a power outage. You don't know who it was specifically, but the survivors could identify their assailant as a Togruta. Since this is the Empire, the only Togruta aboard are slaves, which rather narrows down the list of suspects, now doesn't it? Now obviously, a part of the correct response is to tell further patrols, "...to be extra cautious in [the] yard" (Chapter 40). However, that is not the ONLY RESPONSE YOU OFFER. The rest of the response is to, at random, select sixty slaves from the crowd (ten for each attacked guard, and you have thousands of other slaves; make sure none are Torgruta). Inform the rest of the slaves, in as many words, that a patrol of yours was attacked, and that if the perpetrator doesn't come forward in an hour, these slaves will be executed. Since none of the selected slaves are Togruta, you can be assured that any of them that step forward are liars. If the perpetrator doesn't reveal themselves, kill your hostages and select another sixty. Continue until success.
When they DO come forward, execute them without preamble or comment, on the spot, by shooting them repeatedly in the face. Release any slaves you are currently threatening at the same time to make it clear that their lives were only under threat due to their fellow's actions (promoting inter-slave conflict while acting in a [relatively] reasonable manner hastens Stockholm Syndrome, which is your greatest ally). Then announce to the yard that subsequent infractions will result in doubly harsh penalties, and that they're on a ship in vacuum anyway. They have nowhere to go, and escapes will only bring the wrath of the masters down on other slaves' heads. Then leave.
The prosecution rests.
Now, once again I'd like to say that I abhor slavery and the attendant practices that result from it. I despise the idea of tactics like this actually being used. But if you have access to thousands of such manifestly restless and shortsighted slaves (who launches a rebellion on a warship in vacuum while being surrounded by distinctly unfriendly and heavily armed warships anyway?), THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. If your solution is to release them, they aren't slaves! They're workers who have a time-released salary!
In any event, this just overwhelmed me. I'm in the curious position of being pissed at both Ashla and the Imperials here; she's being shortsighted , impulsive, and reckless, and should by all rights be bringing hell down on the heads of the slaves...except that the Imperials don't quite seem to understand that THESE ARE SLAVES, and thus completely at the mercy of their masters' will.
Aside from these issues, this is an absolutely fantastic story. I love the characters (aside from Ashla, who annoys me), and the situation creates a lot of reader conflict: the characters are, by and large, eminently relatable. Yos wants to create a utopia in service to a man who's done right by him quite often, and also in large part for his daughter's sake. Roblin's a pilot in it to protect and serve his government and fellow soldiers. The clones just want a chance to live out the rest of their rather miserable existence in a measure of peace and freedom, and don't really much care about anything else. Kuat is...actually kind of an asshole, really. I'm not entirely certain he isn't insane; he certainly has the brains of a genius combined with the entitlement and vast worldly wisdom of a child of two (that's a compliment, since it's obviously what you're going for. You succeed magnificently; I read him in Hugh Darrow's voice from the newest Deus Ex). But the point is, most of the characters are very relatable, and in trying to buck the Emperor's brutal yoke, are clearly a step in the right moral direction...
...but a step only. They still (purportedly) keep slaves, they still are one hundred percent on board with the idea of a massive genocide gun, they have absolutely no issue with the thought of wiping out or enslaving a race that committed the grand crime of SEEING THEM, and they're loyal to Tarkin, who is a thin improvement on Palpatine at the very best. Yutu's casual internal monologue of, "I wonder if I'll be told to assassinate one of my allies, sigh, sigh, ho hum, such a shame, but chain of command, you know," is particularly jarring, which is excellent. It forces readers into the position of liking the characters, but also wanting to see them fail in their aims. That's terrific writing, which I wholeheartedly applaud!
Another minor quibble, however: it says, "Empire vs. Earth," right in the description. It just strikes me as unnecessarily coy that you throw in all these, "undiscovered planet," "unknown space," "smaller continental mass," descriptors. Particularly immersion-breaking was this chapter's contribution: "YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Smaller Continental Etc." What, we can know the name of the exact location but not the planet it sits upon?
All these comments aside, I recognize that this story is long since over and done with; you're at the point of working on a second sequel to it. I know that we're far past the point of editing. Still, I like to send reviews. Hopefully you like to get 'em.
Can't wait to get at the rest of this! Nice work here. :-D
| Guest chapter 92 . 12/7/2013
I've really tried to give this story a shot, just because I was curious to see what anyone would do with the idea of star wars meeting "us." Well, it went right in the direction I thought it would. The Empire arrives, moves to set up shop, and begins the process of trying to conquer Earth while destroying it in the process. I took a peak at book 2 and, sure enough, that's exactly what happens. Earth's forces get curb-stomped into oblivion while the Empire colonizes Mars and starts its takeover. Now, we get to book 3, but I don't even have to read it to know the outcome. Even if Earth wins, the Empire will only bomb the planet into oblivion from Mars and killing most of the population because the "abos" are not worth conquering, but they need the planet for colonization. Either way, the Empire wins.
But that's not what stopped me from reading your story. It wouldn't have. What stopped me from reading was the agonizingly slow build-up and the constant switching from characters. You have far too many main characters whose stories interact very little, if at all. After 10 chapters it felt like pulling teeth. Some of these characters are actually intriguing and make we want to learn more about them, but after not reading about them for 10-15 chapters I forget who they are.
Also, I have one thing I need to call bullshit on. In one chapter you mentioned that only Earth humans have potassium (or sodium?) in their bodies and that it is a rare element outside of the Earth's solar system. That's not possible. Humans (among lots of other Earth species) rely on potassium and sodium at the chemical and cellular level to make energy, literally the driving force for our bodies. We also need them to get our neurons to fire (called an action potential) as well as to contract and relax our muscles, among many other bodily functions. The medical professional in me just couldn't suspend my disbelief anymore.
I'm sorry for the negativity Ashla. I think your story has a lot of strengths. Your grammar and sentence structure are well done and there are few logistical errors, a rarity in even top-notch fanfics on this site. I think if you even re-write this, consider a major streamlining a top priority.
Good luck in your writing.
| count-lurkula chapter 12 . 8/21/2013
I'm sorry, but spending 12 chapters just setting up your characters instead of moving your plot forward is just bad writing and does nothing but bog your readers down. No amount of interesting premise can change this. Also, using your username as the name of one of the OC viewpoint characters - or the other way around? - smacks of self-insert.
| luis3007 chapter 28 . 4/22/2013
So the little girl and the big scientist had the same problem and only the 10 year-old had the initiative and guts to solve it...hilarious!
| DaLintyMan chapter 58 . 4/18/2013
You already said they couldn't receive Earth transmissions, how does the Empire block them?
| DaLintyMan chapter 54 . 4/18/2013
I'm sorry, the beginning was too long. Why are they invading Earth, and how AU is it?
| DaLintyMan chapter 5 . 4/18/2013
So... no one cares about the massive missile spam?
| AshlaTi chapter 1 . 4/1/2013
Feels right, sounds lik e a lot of Characters but as long as I care about what happens to each one it should be very readable
| SiriuslyPeeved chapter 1 . 3/4/2012
I like Tarkin's voice, it's pleasantly snarky, (especially "Grand Vizier, Tarkin inwardly mused, fancy name for chief toady.") and I love the way you've set the scene on the iHavelon/i, the descriptions of the crew and the ship itself really bring a sense of in-universe reality.
I'm thinking it will take a while for me to read this, but I am so intrigued by the premise! I have also written a long-format story with a lot of POVs and I respect how much work it is to keep all the storylines moving and all the plot threads untangled.
| Species Unknown chapter 5 . 1/29/2012
What chappies does the grand scoff attack earth?
| Arthas chapter 1 . 12/5/2011
Like your story.
| Darth Kokkinos chapter 1 . 10/9/2011
Long chapter, lot of dialogue and pretty much no action, but that can be expected. If you don't mind, go check out my Star Wars fanfic, Rise of Darkness.
The Hoenn Murkrow