|Reviews for Bad Hair Day|
| Shadowy Flip Flops of DOOM chapter 6 . 6/12/2010
I really do like your character. His power is original and he really feels like something that could be canon. Good job!
He can even fly, as dozens and dozens of other characters can! (: No, honestly, any given person with metahuman powers can fly somehow.
| GrossGirl18 chapter 6 . 1/4/2010
i belive male Mary-Sues are called Gary-Sues. btw, what r M/Gary-Sues? )
| Elihu chapter 1 . 12/8/2009
The tenses are all out of whack. For example:
** "That one was shivering at the thought of what he must now do, mainly because he's Professor Bailey's son, Darian."
Besides being grammatically incorrect, it throws the flow all out of whack. See how this is better:
** "He shivered at the thought of what he had to do. It would have been bad even if he wasn't also Professor Bailey's son."
Something that holds back the story is how the narration explains everything happening instead of describing it. For example:
** "Control Freak ordered his hydrant-minion to blast Lightning with a gush of water, rendering his electricity-generation powers useless. Mas y Menos recovered, grabbed each other’s hand, and ran straight for him, but he summoned an obstacle in their path: A tank from an old WWII documentary, which proceeded to begin shooting up the city. Luckily, Bumble Bee was able to shrink herself down and enter it, disabling its movement and cannons. Starfire and Raven flew ahead, and attempted to distract Overload from absorbing anything more."
That block of text is rich with potential description and action, but is instead relegated to a loose collection of single statements about what happened. This gives the effect of making it seem like it's a story being recited by someone in a rush, instead of a scene that a reader can imagine in their head:
** "Wash him down!" Control Freak shouted, as his hydrant-minion opened up and sent a gush of water into Lighting, sending him flying back. Standing up, Lighting opened his hands and found only crackles of static. "My powers aren't working!" he yelled. Mas and Menos sped past him, grabbing each other's hand, and headed toward the chubby villain. But Control Freak was ready... and so on.
Do as you wish.
| BabelBeni chapter 5 . 11/30/2009
Whoa... At first, Darian seemed kinda Gary-Stu-ish, but now he's a lot better. And no, the transition wasn't too fast, it was practically perfect. Good job!
Critique: You had some dialogue in script form, and other dialogue in story form... You might wanna decide one and keep to it, because it kinda distracts from the story. If you have a conversation that takes up enough time, you don't have to have their names after each sentence a person speaks. People tend to assume who is speaking rather easily, so it wouldn't bother anyone so much if you didn't always say 'Furball said' for example. And make sure to separate your dialogue into individual paragraphs. It's a bit confusing as to who is speaking when you have different people's dialogue in the same paragraph.
You are wonderful at writing and describing fight scenes, it's easy to understand what is going on, and what the chars are doing. Two thumbs up!
Beast Boy Rox 4-Eva
PS: People may be a little more likely to review and read your story if you don't beg for reviews. If you're begging, people may look at the summary, and assume there is a bad reason that not many people are reading. It's harsh, but it is true. Just a thought. ;D
| Benedicere chapter 4 . 11/21/2009
Very interesting. I liked how you used the Terra analogy. It adds a layer of psychology to the story at it adds to Darian's character. Good job.
| BabelBeni chapter 3 . 11/16/2009
hey, cool, First to review! Anywho, this seems like an... interesting story so far. I can't wait to see what you do with it.
Critique: The spelling, grammar, and punctuation is good, as well as sentence structure and the flow, and then you have this really great voice in your writing. If anything, the only thing you really need to try and improve on would be getting the original Titans a bit more into character. They're alright as it is, but... still.
Beast Boy Rox 4-Eva