|Reviews for The Mewtwo Project|
| Mesataki chapter 1 . 2/18/2010
/The other hand was leafing through a stack of papers on his desk./
/...grinned as he finished leafing through the files./
The very 'leaf' was re-used again in a short span of time. I'm sure there are other synonyms you could've used to keep the text varied.
The guard asking questions seems out of place. They're hired to protect, not to probe on the latest operation. The conversation might've been more appropriate had that been an actual guy assigned to the task force or something to that effect.
/A few hours later, the balloon landed at Team Rocket’s headquarters./
That seems too plain and uninteresting too read. Perhaps you could come up with something better for the timeskip?
/"...and you still manage to f- it up!”/
I honestly don't think the curse word is necessary considering this is T-rated. I guess that's up to the author's discretion, though. :P
/The cafeteria was filled with a large number of the black clad grunts. The cafeteria was quite bland, there were a few windows but the floors and walls were sterile white tile./
Again, there's an unnecessary use of the word 'cafeteria.' Beyond that, the rest of the section was a bore to read - which places the reader in a bad position to skip if the siren goes off at that exact moment.
/…strapping on body armor and other paraphernalia./
The long word at the end seems strange to use when compared to the usual diction in this story. While it does ‘fit,’ it fits in oddly. I would suggest changing that.
/…but a few of them were riding their Water or Flying Pokémon./
Maybe it’s just me, but I wouldn’t capitalize water or flying. It doesn’t quite make sense…
Overall, written well, but the first chapter isn’t that great. There seems to be something about it – a lack of variety maybe. It’s not grabbing my attention as it should, and there are a few boring scenes that you could easily shorten. Like the cafeteria.
Characterization of Team Rocket seems odd, but that could just be my own perspective of it. An all-out assault seems questionable, too. The idea seems almost forced since TR is a criminal organization dealing in black markets, and not a merc force.
| MidnightSaboteur chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
\“All systems are go.” he said. He pressed the intercom button.\
Dialogue is written "Go," he said. not "Go." he said or "Go." He said. and considering I found this from Farla you should know the rest.
\“Jessie! James! Meowth! Report to my office immediately!” he barked into the intercom.\
... Except why aren't they on field duty? You could give a short explanation why they'd be at headquarters and immediately at his beck and call.
\Almost immediately the door to his office flew open and James, a blue haired man in his twenties, followed by Jessie, a red haired woman of roughly the same age burst into the room.\
... I know I read somewhere that they were closer to 16-18 than in their twenties, but now I can't find it, so I guess it's possible...
\“We have learned that Silph Co holds an island near Cerulean City. There, they engage in cutting-edge genetics research to blend Human and Pokemon together. These are known as Pokemorphs; they combine intelligence of Humans but with the capabilities of Pokemon.”\
See, when you start capitalizing things like pokémon and persian, it's the first step in going to ridiculous extremes like capitalizing 'human'. I'm not saying you shouldn't capitalize 'pokémon' as long as you're consistent, but for pete's sake don't capitalize 'human'.
Also, considering he has a talking meowth right in the room, I wouldn't say they 'combine the intelligence of humans' with pokémon; even the lowliest bug and fish pokémon show at least a toddler's understanding, not to mention all the psychic pokémon with IQs of over five thousand and such.
\The group ran out of the building and over to the shipyard and hangers.\
When referring to airplanes, it's spelled 'hangars'.
\Jessie, James and Meowth boarded their Gyrados submarine and dove beneath the waves.\
'Gyarados'. Pokémon species won't be in your spellchecker, so be sure to proofread as you write.
Anyway, this is a rather short chapter; I usually try to aim for at least twice this. I guess the dialogue was mostly in character and the mechanics were mostly okay, but the story raises questions like why Team Rocket would care about pokémorphs and what they plan to do with them and why they couldn't just use their own scientists to create their own, why Team Rocket is using brute force and their whole freaking arsenal to take over a little island, why Jessie, James and Meowth were given personal audience with Giovanni and why he didn't just let them in on the plan over loudspeaker like all the other Rocket grunts - why is he even telling them the secret plan anyway? Like he said, they're wildly inept and are just even more of a liability now; he could have just said 'your next assignment is on this island, beat up everyone who's not Team Rocket!'... if they need them at all because seriously entire freaking arsenals against a building of scientists.
In conclusion, too short and could be better thought through.
| Gaffmatic chapter 1 . 11/19/2009
Great job with the Team Rocket goons! The boss (Giovanni?) in his best performance (by that I mean that the mood and way of talking you described are completely fit to his personality)!
| Jedi472 chapter 1 . 11/16/2009
This is pretty awesome! I look forward to more!