|Reviews for Beast Wars|
| Taeniaea chapter 15 . 11/22/2012
| Luna Uchiha666 chapter 15 . 7/22/2012
LMAO! NICE ENDING! Now that was a good story! It got my heart pounding on some chapters. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more good stories from you soon!
| StormRaven333 chapter 15 . 2/21/2012
BRI-LLI-ANT! That last line threw me off a bit but overall, brilliant! ;)
| StormRaven333 chapter 11 . 2/20/2012
Ah yes! I follow! Avatar... Brilliant move! Yess!
- blinks b4 slapping self upside the head!-
Lol. This fic is a stupendous read so far! Luvin it!
| Dragonjg chapter 15 . 9/13/2011
this was a great story i hope you will continue this
| Beliskner01 chapter 15 . 7/11/2010
Very nice. Nightfury rule! A bit disappointed that it's the end. hoped for more! Thanks!
| Beliskner01 chapter 12 . 6/25/2010
Very nice story. I like the style! Can't wait for more!
| pokemonjkl chapter 12 . 6/8/2010
NOOO PLUS NOT Jane can't be dead it not fair Cheetor finally tell her how he feel and Jane have about to tell him that she love him to. what happen next? plus update more soon!
| Kara Ashford chapter 11 . 6/6/2010
Wow! When I asked when the next chapter was coming, I didn't expect this! Maybe I'll bug you more often - especially if this is the result. :D
You're really taking the time to flesh out your chapters a bit more and the effort shows. Other than a few misspelled words and some grammar mistakes here and there, you seem to have improved all around. I'm really impressed and you should be proud of the quality of your work.
You handled Airazor's arrival very well and you seem to have her character well in hand. Tigatron still seems a little too emotionally involved with Jane for my tastes, but that's a minor issue. Inferno's immediate association with Jane as his 'princess' was hilarious. I think you should have that sort of confusion present for a while, it'll make for some interesting changes in the storyline.
This chapter in particular was my favourite. Although I thought you could have fleshed out the battle scenes a bit more, all in all you've handled this very well. Jane's realization about her depression was well executed and nicely described pivotal point for her character. Finally, I adored the fact that you incorporated the Avatar twist into her combat suit - it gives it a nice unique touch while still keeping things within the realm of believability. I also loved the fact that Starscream knew about the Avatar system (although he didn't necessarily need to know about Jane) as its great foreshadowing and an intriguing development for the future.
Just a note though, in Chapter nine you used stellar cycles for hours. It's actually mega-cycles for hours and stellar cycles for years. Also, in Chapter 11, you called the Maximals Autobots just after Jane set up the Avatar system. Finally, you should credit the Avatar connection, just in case some people get really nit-picky.
I can't wait for next time!
| pokemonjkl chapter 11 . 6/5/2010
ALL RIGHT JANE! YOU GO GIRL THAT WAS AWESOME! GOOD JOB PLUS KEEP ON UPDATE!
| Kara Ashford chapter 7 . 2/8/2010
Right, hey there, where do I start?
Ok, first of all, I'm incredibly happy that you've started to branch away from the original TV scripts and start to employ your own changes into the story. Its still very close to the original, but its a beginning, and I'm also very intrigued by this "Great Merge" that Tarantulas mentioned last chapter. Looking forward to that explanation soon.
Now onto other things. I think you need to run future chapters by a Beta or at least look over it a few times yourself before you post anything. There are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors which keep popping up all over the place and it really disrupts from the flow of the story when I have to stop and reread a sentence or two just to figure out what you meant. It takes ten minutes to self-check and it makes a world of difference. I think I offered before, but I'd still be happy to look over everything for spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors.
On a similar note, don't use numbers in prose, again something a beta would catch. YMMV here, but when I see a '2' instead of 'to', 'two' or 'too' it detracts from the story and I know a lot of readers probably feel the same way. You don't do it often, but watch out for it.
Finally, exactly how long has Jane been on Prehistoric Earth with these guys? By my math its been maybe a few months and there in lies my problem. It would have to be pretty long for the Maximals to consider her family or vice versa. Particularly for Tigatron (and the correct spelling of his name is actually 'Tigatron') whom she JUST met. I doubt she'd consider him as close as family after talking with him for maybe ten minutes total. Again, YMMV here, but for the majority of people it takes YEARS of being in a close relationship with others to consider them family - a few months would certainly be the beginning of that sort of relationship, but its still not enough in my opinion, especially considering the fact that the majority of the Maximals are veterans of war and significantly older and more mature. With war comes trust issues, and those need to be overcome before you consider someone as close as family. In fact, rather than be so sympathetic to her homesickness, I could more easily see Rattrap telling her to stop whining and Rhinox and Optimus showing a sort of exasperated understanding. But that's my interpretation of the characters.
Two more things. First: her artistic skills. When exactly did she have time to make reed paper? For that matter, why would a girl who's supposedly her genius of a father's assistant spend her time learning how to draw when she would more likely be focusing on advanced mechanics and quantum theory (yes, this is true). On that note, it would take some SERIOUS skill to realistically portray the 2007 Autobots, especially with the complex designs Bay gave them.
Continuing on that, in the BW canon, the majority of the files concerning the Great War were classified by the Maximal Elders so its highly unlikely that Optimus would have been able to recognize the participants just from Jane's drawings. So you'll either need to contradict that in your story or explain why Optimus know this.
Finally, her Ipod. Is this thing from the future or something? This is the second time that she's used her Ipod as a way to interface with advanced tech which really shouldn't be possible. Seriously, the one thing in this chapter that made me do a double take was the fact that she used her Ipod to start up the activation sequence.
300 years worth of advanced technology meant to protect the protoforms (essenitally the Cybertronian CHILDREN) and Jane managed to hack it with an Ipod.
Did her Dad help to outfit it as a super-advanced computer as well as a music player? Because an Ipod is hardly advanced tech, nor is it supposed to be capable of acting as an access port for computers let alone for something as complex as an activation sequence on a damaged stasis pod. For that matter, I know I've said to keep the technical stuff to a minimum, but just saying that Jane 'somehow' started up the activation sequence is too little information. Surely Rhinox, or her Dad must have given her a basic run down on how to work with advanced tech - if not, someone should, especially considering that half of the first season of BW revolved around finding those darn pods. If the Ipod is that advanced, you need to mention that, otherwise it just sounds unbelievable.
Anyway, I'm still enjoying it, and I can't wait until you post the next chapter.
| pokemonjkl chapter 7 . 2/1/2010
I love It keep on update.
| pokemonjkl chapter 6 . 1/13/2010
Oh NO Jane fall cliff what happen next? pls update soon.
| pokemonjkl chapter 5 . 12/16/2009
Hi I like is story pls update more soon. What happen on the next Chapter? she will meet Silverbolt,Depth Charge and Rampage?
| Kara Ashford chapter 5 . 11/29/2009
Glad to see an update, I've really been looking forward to it.
It's great to see your chapters getting longer, as it adds more the story and lets us get to know Jane better as we go along. Overall it was pretty good, but I just had two things:
1) You're using dialogue from each episode and explaining the main events to us scene by scene. You don't do it badly, but it doesn't make for a particularly exciting chapter when everyone already knows what's going to happen or what's going on. Instead, try influencing some drastic changes to the events in the next chapter and creating a new storyline following that. You can still follow the main events faithfully, but this way its much more interesting and original. I mean, there's a human in the Beast Wars. I'm thinking this should change a few things at least, even before she gets the opportunity to fight.
2) In chapter 5, right at the end. I can totally see Megatron managing to slip by Dinobot, or overpowering him as he does seem physically the stronger of the two. But I could never see Dinobot shouting "No! JANE LOOK OUT!" I don't think I could see him shouting this, or any variation of this EVER. He's a tough warrior and believes everyone else should be as well. More importantly, as you've characterized their interaction as rocky, to say the least, he wouldn't have shown much, if any, concern for her well being. Half the time he doesn't care about the well being of his comrades or his own, it wouldn't be any different for Jane. That said, his 'apology' was definitely Dinobot-esque, although the wording was far too close to his apology to Rattrap in the show. This relates to my above point.
One last thing actually, YMMV here, but there's really no need to put laughter (hahahahaha) or shouting (AH!) into dialogue. Just saying that they're laughing or screaming will be enough to put the image in the readers minds.
Anyway, on the whole I liked it and I'm looking forward to more chapters to come.