Pretty awesome story. But I only found one criticism about the grammar. When talking to someone by their name, you need to put a comma. Like stay "Hellboy come here' it should be "Hellboy, come here'. If the name is in a middle of the speech, put a comma at each end of the name. If the name is at the end of the sentance, the comma should be at the front of the name. I still think it's a well thought out story.

Sly you... I had to go look up the legend of Romulus and Remus after reading the first part of this chapter. You made most of it up! It works pretty well - especially the detail about Diana's trick and the stuff about Jupiter, seems like a very Roman-god/dess thing to do, high drama! I had actually never heard of Bellona before - cool goddess! And since her relationship to Mars varies, this interpretation is okay.

The revelation in this first section is HUGE, but hey, Hellboy himself is the Beast of the Apocalpyse, so I'm willing to buy crazy stuff in this fandom - and also, because I like the way Alice has been established as a character, I'm willing to buy what you've set up for her. My one gripe is stylistic: the situation is so extremely dramatic, it will play better if your language is more subdued. That is, in the beginning, tone down the dramatic language a bit, steer clear of statements like, "How her voice screamed in anguish and dismay..." (also, "beweeping" is not a real word).

Priceless that mega-drama is capped off by Hellboy saying "Did you just speak Latin?" I love the details of the tiny car and the traffic (I think I've ridden in cars like that before) - another example of setting a scene well using just a few details. Good side character in Moisey - you know, with Hellboy being somewhat of a celebrity in comic-verse, there has to be people like that, but I don't think they've ever made an appearance in the comic. Also, "- rainbows" - hahaha!

Very nice scene of Alice being shocked by Prof. Bruttenholm's age - feels authentic and nicely melancholy. Although, I think the age you give for him is exaggerated. I'm unsure of his age in the comics, but in the movie he was 28 in 1944, so taking that age, he would have been in his early 70s during the Cold War. I also really like Bruttenholm scolding Hellboy. Reminds me of the part in Nature of the Beast where he says, "Boy, don't be thick" - heh, I like seeing elaboration on their comic-verse relationship, especially when Hellboy is younger and still learning.

As usual, watch for typos and grammar. "hot coco" - "hot cocoa", "squeeze to tight" - "Squeeze too tight". And I have no idea what you meant by saying Trevor was in a "spiny" chair, or what you meant by the "saving lives" bit in this sentence: "It had moved once and she was so overwhelmed by this she pulverized it saving hundreds of lives"

All in all, you're keeping this story moving along at a nice clip. I'm interested to see where you're going to work with the Virtus stuff and how you'll resolve the Black Hand situation.

So far its very well written. The story is a little difficult to keep up with and you forget words here and there, that is the minuses. But you create so interesting characters and all the ancient history-things feels very BPRD.

So, great chapters and Ill get right on the next now!

-Stormie

Jesus, this is great! And I mean it! Hate myself for that I havent noticed your fic before, but Im gonna read all the chapters now! It is so very BPRD! Just great! :)

Criticism first: the beginning of this chapter has some details that are hard to follow. What does "felt like he was staring at a pine top" mean - does he see it or doesn't he, if he doesn't, does he smell pine? How does he know the light source is a lantern if there's only a tiny hole in the box? Why does the screeching halt "awake" him when he's already awake? Pay careful attention to these details, it will make your scene-setting richer. (It's generally good, though: the two sentences starting "Hellboy could smell the tropics" set the scene excellently because it includes smell, touch, and sound, giving a lot of information while using words economically).

With that out of the way, I can say that this story keeps getting better and better. Good job at keeping the action rolling. Alice is so badass, I just love her. And this new "Virtus" revelation, intriguing! You keep the humor coming at just the right moments, like when Hellboy gets water up his nose, and I LOL'ed at "churrasco, good for the soul". And I didn't even feel the grenade part was out of place at all, hah. I'm looking forward to more!

Awesome!

Please update and soon!

P.S.

The grenade idea wasn't bad...

You do what you gotta do, to get inspiration, right?

Hi! I'm glad to see an update! (dances madly about)

So...keep updating!

PS i like how you protray Hellboy's character. Dunno why, but I can't wait for the next chapter!

It's obvious you're being more careful with the editing! I still see an occasional typo, for example, "Alice began her walk downstairs as Hellboy to retreated upstairs" (do you mean to say he "too" retreated?). But it's a big improvement - well done!

And well done for another chapter full of action, intrigue, and humor. The part about the psychic attacks is interesting and engaging - poor Alice. I enjoyed the part about soccer team colors, but my favorite part is where someone demands "the stone" and he hefts his right hand at them - very funny and very HIM. I liked the way you used the coffee maker as a plot device, and I absolutely loved this line: "Everybody at the Bureau was a coffee junkie. If you weren’t, you were weird." - true to canon, and that dry twist of irony - I laughed out loud.

And... are you gearing things up for some romance? I wouldn't mind if you were - it's been well understated so far, complimenting the main plot rather than overwhelming it. Plus, comic!Hellboy doesn't get much loving, poor guy.

A couple things that don't scan:

In the first paragraph, you say that the attention around the building was "a circus", and then you say "the only sounds they heard" - when I think of a circus, I think of a cacophony of many different sounds. Maybe what you want to say is more like, "The heard the clink of Hellboy's hooves OVER the sounds of screams and sirens..."

If Alice doesn't eat, how does she have anything in her stomach to throw up? That's not to say that she can't vomit - dry vomiting is even worse than regular - but when she does, she shouldn't be bringing up anything except maybe some stomach acid.

I'm going to be your fact-checker here for a moment.

The official language of Brazil is Portuguese, not Spanish.

And the people of Brazil come from a variety of ethnic backgrounds - the CIA factbook says in 20 the population of Brazil was over half white, about ten percent black, and most of the rest mixed-race - and the stats for Rio de Janeiro as of 2008 (I checked wikipedia) are similar, definitely not all "brown". So you're going to have to change that part. Alice would not stand out because of being blond.

The story itself is another good installment. The plot is thickening nicely, and you keep the pace moving well with a balance of explanation and action. I also continue to enjoy the very canon-appropriate humor you put in there; the funniest bit to me is how Hellboy's checking out the freezer to try and snag some food while looking for the code (so typical). Alice continues to be awesome and bad-ass - she gets a little too corny thinking of Sweeney (I got to agree with reviewer Hecate, I can't believe she married that guy), but in another moment she's back in fine form, and you made me feel for her in her distress there at the end.

What's the language that's being spoken at the beginning, over the walkie-talkie?

Hm...

PLEASE Update!

...

Although i can't beleive she married that guy. sorry, just my opinion.

Good building suspense, good characterization of both canon and OC characters. Nice touches of humor too - I like how Alice asks for an Advil after being shot.

This is a good line - it succinctly shows Alice's change of mind and the shift in the relationship between the two characters, and is a nice reflection of the character of Hellboy too: "She stared at it, at the scars and punctures the Big Guy had received over the years. He was no longer a kid; he was Hellboy, The Best Paranormal Investigator in the World."

Now the criticism.

Even if you don't have a beta, you need to read these stories over before you post them. Really, the phrase “Are you pulling me tail Alice?”- unless Hellboy is participating in Talk Like a Pirate Day, there is no excuse for a typo like that. Also, "Oh villainy, how death had escaped her grasped yet again." You mean, her grasp?

Also, you need to review the proper usage of each of the words in these sets, because you misuse these in your stories:

to/too (this could be just a matter of typos)

whose/who's

their/they're

Also make sure you know the proper use of you/you're and its/it's for future stories, those are tricky to a lot of people.

"I know you’ve never seen me so weak, so feminine but…" I love Alice as a strong female character - seeing her weak is fine and appropriate, and rather poignant in this scene makes her a better character... but I don't like hearing her (or anyone) equate femininity with weakness and incapability!

How'd something as precious as the Stone get into a creek in Romania? I look forward to seeing that explained. And I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

YAY!

you continued it!

man, i was afraid it was going to be a one-shot.

Also, I think Hellboy's right about the ringmaster, he IS a creep...

what happens next?

I'm enjoying this a lot. 6-year-old Hellboy is too cute - his uncertainty and curiosity, and the way he pouts when he wants to go home, are convincingly childlike - and yet he's still very much himself, for example when he scorns Galileo's show as a scam. And I'm still loving Alice and her attitude. That crack about the purse and tampons - priceless.

There were some laugh-out-loud lines for me:

“Yes very bad you’ll catch cancer and die from it in a month.”

“Here I’ll shoot him.” Hellboy said taking out his own gun. BANG.

There are some things that don't scan, though.

-"A petite female with small hands" - What? Just last chapter you said she was almost 6 ft tall. You need to say that she _looked_ petite in comparison to the wolf.

-"Alice gave him a couple of buck" - this is the '50s, wouldn't that be excessive for snacks?

-"A bullet hole was now in his lower abdomen where his right lung was located." Um... that is some weird anatomy.

Two things I love about this.

One is that it's set during Hellboy's youth. Stories about his childhood are precious few, but stories about his youth are practically nonexistent (only canon one I can think of is that one with the hounds and the coins; only fanfic one that comes to mind is one by epalladino). So this is definitely a niche with plenty of room to explore, and you've got a good grasp of the character so I think you'll do it well.

Second thing I love is Alice. OC's can be dicey, but she's got dimension and history, and what I see in her is a way to examine themes/characters in canon from a different perspective. Here's what I mean: her restlessness reminds me of Liz Sherman, but while in canon Liz Sherman starts out a needy child who is nurtured by Hellboy's adult confidence and wisdom, here we have a strong adult female who will be guiding an inexperienced young Hellboy using her confidence and wisdom. I'm big on strong female characters and upending expectations in fics, so I am just tickled by her.

Small content criticism: I got a little confused in the beginning when Alice was called "the Bureau's finest agent to date", when "to date" would have meant about four years. You explain the situation later in the story, of course, but it would make the narrative more clear to mention near the beginning that she had experience outside the Bureau before she joined (but you can keep the main reveal for later on like you did, that was good).

Also - this is a nitpick - you refer to Trevor as Dr. Bruttenholm instead of Professor at one point, but is he a PhD?

Now... you knew this was coming... I am going to keep hounding you on proofreading! (You know I do it because I want to see you develop as a writer, not because I'm trying to bug you). I know that the beta I introduced you to had some computer issues and so may not have seen this, but even so, you should practice proofreading your own stuff. I mean, there are glaring errors in the description and the first paragraph!

"an old friend whose after the" who's after the

"sky-scrappers" sky-scrapers

"busy lifestyles of it inhabitants" its inhabitants

also, "“What is defiantly resting there Trevor." I think you mean "definitely"

Do a google search for the Miriam-Webster online dictionary - I always refer to it frequently when I'm writing for school or fun.

Finally, I thought this phrase is very Mignola-esque in its straightforward approach to weirdness:

"Here, there were no dead bodies or blood; it was completely clean and normal except for the large red demon sitting on the sink reading."

There you go.

Good start to the story. You've got me hooked - I hope you'll continue it!

Aw, i nearly started cryin...please continue this, it souns interesting.

P.S.

Hellboy sounds so cute!i'm curious to find out what happens on this mission!