|Reviews for Dreamscape|
| truthsetfree chapter 1 . 1/28
Fandomblind, so no idea whether any of this makes sense within your fandom, but it was a very interesting read.
Good job incorporating the senses.
Wonderful job on word choice.
Great use of line length to create division/rhythm.
Fantastic job on the last line.
Reading this was like watching part of a very well made movie.
| Rosawyn chapter 1 . 1/25
Complete and total fandom blindness waring: I haven't even heard of '5 Centimetres Per Second' before. I'm reviewing this because it was nominated for the RLt's RCA awards. :) Please do forgive me if I completely miss the point of something/everything due to my lack of canon knowledge.
I must admit I was attracted to this due to its length; I love short fics and find they seem to be generally unappreciated. I also like tragic romance (perhaps a bit too much), so that's an attractive point as well. :D
The first sentence here gives a good image, a good starting point. Everything is monotone and surreal. It reminds me a bit of when a character opens the Door of Truth in 'Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood', though that mental image could be off. And then there's the tree, and it immediately draws the attention. It really does sound surreal that the tree's branches cast shadows on the white background, and I wonder where the light is coming from.
And it seems like there's some sort of 'force field' or other invisible barrier blocking the pov character from approaching the tree. Certainly disconcerting for him.
The image of the girl appearing and walking toward the tree is very vivid. I think because everything is contrasted against the white background.
How strange that his tears freeze on his face. It seems quite dream-like that his screams become muted to his own ears.
Wow, I wasn't expecting her to fall apart (literally) when she got to the tree. It seems as though this might be a dream of her death. As if perhaps he's been trapped out of time and she's grown old and died of natural causes while he was trapped, frozen somehow.
And of course now that she's gone, the invisible barrier lets him past. :/ I don't know who these characters are to each other, but it does seem clear that they love each other very much.
It's sad that though he can feel her hand on his cheek, he can't touch her when he reaches out for her.
It's quite beautiful that though she's fading, “her smile is everlasting.”
Gosh, that ending is sad. It sort of made me smile, though – a sad sort of smile.
| NinthFeather chapter 1 . 1/10
Unfortunately fandom-blind here, as I love Makoto Shinkai but haven't found a copy of this at a reasonable price yet, but I love the pacing, the symbolism, and the way you managed to turn less than 600 words into a gut-punch. This really is splendid.
| Madam'zelleGiry chapter 1 . 12/23/2013
The way that you show the monotone of the world is really a fantastic way to start this piece out. It's described so well, and I have very clear imaegs of just what you're trying to get across. The fast pace of the ending really stood out to me, and it was something that I didn't see coming, but that doesn't make it any less potent and exciting. Very sad, very well done. I am seriously impressed with this one.
| EHWIES chapter 1 . 12/14/2013
'ceiling of the boxed-in world, and create shadows' - Shouldn't be a comma here, as it's a compound predicate. Same with 'towards the unnerving sight, and is suddenly thrust back ' and a lot of other lines; no comma if you only have two verbs attached to the subject, only separating them if there are three or more (or if it's two independent clauses).
Another one of your reviewers described this piece as 'metaphysical,' and I think that's a really spot-on description of it, between your 'surreal, monotone' world and the translucence of the image of the tree. 'Creator of his sullen world' really captures that ground-up, world-building feel that you've constructed, and 'dislocated remnants' of his memory - yes, yes, yes.
OH GOD THAT ENDING. I don't even know how to explain why I love it so much, but I have chills. Literal chills. So many goosebumps just sprang up on my legs.
Overwhelmingly, great descriptions in this fic. You have some redundancy when you repeat 'invisible,' and there's also awkward word choice in a couple of spots - 'morphs to INCLUDE a girl' felt a bit strange, you repeat 'his [something] world' enough times that it's noticeably redundant, and a few descriptions were over-the-top or sort of clumsy ('as if this cruel unseeing force was turning his anguish solid and tangible,' 'the perforated sphere,' 'peripheral valley,' 'fades into nonexistence'). However, aside from these nitpicks, you did a great job capturing the scene going on here, and the emotion in it, especially at the end, was so incredibly striking.
| SiriuslyPeeved chapter 1 . 10/2/2013
Here from the Reviews Lounge, Too... I have a little familiarity with this anime, having read a few crossovers from other authors, and now I really want to get this movie and watch it. Your writing has a poetic and lyrical quality which works very well with the tone of the piece. There are a few places where sentences could possibly be compressed or rearranged to enhance the flow, (some of the sentences are very long and have a lot of clauses) but I enjoyed it just the way you have it here. The last line is emotionally powerful and left me in pieces. I don't know what happens to these characters in canon, but it can't be good. Nice work.
| IrishPanther chapter 1 . 9/30/2013
First off, I'm fandom blind, so I can't comment on characterization and whatnot. Nonetheless, I ended up enjoying reading this lovely one-shot! First, I love your descriptions of Akari's appearance, the silent shouting of Takaki, Akari fading into the wind in a blink of an eye; you do such an amazing job at painting lovely descriptions that I can visually see!
As you pointed out in your summary, there is a lot of symbolism in this story, and kudos to you for writing it like that! Nice work on analogies, and the overall message of this story. It's sad to read about Takaki suffering, not knowing the answer to a question; because with that answer, it only comes at a price of knowing how long it'll take for him to save Akari. He cares for her, and it shows through your writing; again, kudos to you on a job well done!
In terms of SPAG, I spotted no mistakes while reading, so lovely job with that! Once again, I truly loved reading this elegant one-shot! :)
| MissScorp chapter 1 . 9/30/2013
For the record, I am a bit clueless on the fandom this short piece spawned out of, but I am not feeling confused in any way with the material or in what you are trying to capture here in your pierce. I'm kinda feeling the Japanese/Chinese cinema here in a way, and the opening line flashed me to one of my favorite Jet Li moves-Hero. They presented each individual version of the tale in a different 'color' theme (red, white, black). Absolutely fantastic job!
Some lines that I really liked:
((In this surreal world, everything is in monotone, like a white marble surface that stretches on for miles and miles.))- just loved this imagery here. I can see it as a colorless, cold and stale landscape that is unrelieved of anything, but for the tree that seems so out of place within this barren nothingness. The entire sequence following his approach to the tree is just fantastic as well, the spinning of the tree backwards in time and the placement of him at its base really suggests an importance upon this particular tree. Whether that is canon, I do not know, but I am gleaming that from your use and highlighting of this particular tree within this empty void that it is very crucial somehow to the story. If that was your goal, brava, excellent job. If not, well, I tend to think outside the box so still, brava heh
((and is suddenly thrust back by what seemed like an invisible force, like an iron hand cutting clean through his chest.))-fantastic representation of the metaphysical world stepping into the realm of realism and preventing him from moving forward any further. I also love how twist this metaphysical barrier in the next line:
((And then it was like looking through a translucent glass.))- Again, it lends power upon the tree, defines it as being something distinctly important within the main characters dream. I also have a feeling in a way of someone staring from a window, able to see someone that they love about to walk into danger, but not being able to do anything to stop it. That small bit of a realistic connection makes me feel the angst and the pain of the character even more. Very good job.
((cherry/blossoms/fall))-Really makes me think of blood being spilled on a page here almost. The color of the cherry blossom in relation to the static white of the earlier is powerful to me, because the cherry blossom is white with a hint of pink (at least, those I have always seen appear that way) so it's almost a twist on that, lending a near innocence to the line and the scene, but also a hint of the macabre that is underlying.
This was a truly well written piece. The closing 'monologue'-'dialogue' was absolutely fantastic. It separated out the words being said within the dream, gave them singular importance, but it also put an even stronger upon his words. All around awesome job!
| kamizon chapter 1 . 9/30/2013
"In this surreal world, everything is in monotone, like a white marble surface that stretches on for miles and miles."
A really good opening for this story. It immediately caught my attention.
Being completely fandom blind, I did not understand your characterization. I had to guess what their relationships are. But for this story, it does not really matter. All emotions you wanted to potray were duly felt.
I liked this one very much.
| starlight.moon.princess chapter 1 . 9/30/2013
This was an extremely gorgeous and strong piece (:
I may not have understood every bit of the symbolism, not knowing the context of this fic, but the imagery you've used is beautiful and stunning. I can definitely feel the anguish of the protagonist at being unable to save the girl.
I particularly liked the way you broke up Takaki's dialogue at the end - I love the way you show write the fall in a literal way. For some reason, the actual dialogue also struck me deeply - I love the way you've used the fall of the cherry blossoms to symbolise Akari's symbolic fall - her death.
Well done :)
| Ersatz Einstein chapter 1 . 9/30/2013
This was beautiful, and the symbolism was wonderfully subtle. The way you spaced the ending, alternating with her speech and his actions, was particularly beneficial to your tone.
I would, however, like to note that you have some annoying tense shifts (particularly in the second and third paragraphs). Also, you tend to overuse commas, which makes your writing kind of choppy when you're doing long paragraphs of narration.
Nevertheless, I loved some of the language you used ("Her voice is like a broken record, playing in shuddering jolts."), the utter lack of context outside of the description, and the use of the present tense. They gave the events a disconcerting immediacy, and the third-person narration made it feel disjointed and unreal.
| ShadedRogue chapter 1 . 9/30/2013
This piece is absolutely stunning. Your narrative is powerful and conveys the emotion of the piece to the reader in such an effective way. I always love a good symbolism-heavy piece and this certainly was no exception.
I also like the ambiguity of the piece - this may be because I'm completely fandom blind and maybe I'm completely missing the point, but I like that it's not really made clear if Takaki is dreaming or if he's actually in some sort of messed-up reality. I also feel like Takaki watching Akari melt into the ground represents a more literal death for her, and the fact that Takaki is stuck behind some sort of barrier and can do nothing much watch represents the guilt he might feel because he couldn't do anything to help her. I kind of wish I did know the fandom more so I could understand this better.
The descriptive narrative gave everything a very vivid feel. I was also a huge fan of how you broke Akari's dialogue into separate lines and also interrupted it with bits of narrative. It really gave off the disjointedness that you might get from interacting with someone who isn't really there, and I felt that it ended the piece beautifully.
All in all, wonderful job.
| b.val chapter 1 . 7/21/2013
Note: Fandom Blind
Wow, this has some powerful emotion involved in it! :) I thought it was so intense, and if this is an anime/manga like I'm guessing, you portrayed this type of scene perfectly, the ones with echoing voices and sad music and slow free falling and soft tears.
So I think the overall shortness was good, although I really think you could have included more descriptive sections during parts. For example:
[He takes a step closer towards the unnerving sight, and is suddenly thrust back by what seemed like an invisible force, like an iron hand cutting clean through his chest. When he finally regains his composure, he reaches his hands before him and finds them resting upon an invisible surface that prevents him from walking any further.]
You sum up a ton of action into about one paragraph. Sometimes this is good, but here I think you could have told us more about what he was feeling and what's going on in his mind, but also how he physically feels, being pushed back.
I didn't really notice any SPaG things so you're clear on that. I like how broken thus piece sounded, it was a lot of different things all at once, broken and smooth, and seemed almost first person, but was actually in third. Excellent job!
| StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 1 . 7/13/2013
Your description in the first line was great. I love how you describe it as 'monotone', giving it a boring, unchanging, bleak feel. I like how you describe it as a 'white marble surface that stretches on for miles and miles,' since it furthers that feel that everything is the same and that nothing changes. I like how the tree is like the symbol of a small bit of life still left in this barren wasteland. :) I like how this line seems to give somewhat of a glint of hope, with seemingly-important memories returning to him [pieces of a memory coming back to him in dislocated remnants.]
I really liked the part where he came to some kind of an invibile barrier, as if it reflects the way he can't quite access all of those hidden memories yet, as if there's still an obstacle that's cuasing him to repress whatever memories are beginning to come to him now. I also like the rather ghostly description of the way Akari is walking to him. I like the description of her as a 'smudge', something small and vague that can be easily wiped away. I love how well you've set up tension here, making it so he cannot scream and vent his anger because he's been muted.
The way the tree trunk peels is rather like the only life in the barren area is beginning to fade away. Maybe it's a symbol for the character's life, that Akari was all that mattered to him and everything else seemed like nothing to him, but now she has left.
I really like the way the 'Do you know the speed cherry blossoms fall per second' is laid out, since it gives some kind of a feel that he might be losing his mind a little, or maybe it's to show that the words stand out to him. I also like the symbol of 'cherry blossoms falling', as if it's reflecting Akari's death.
I like how his own thoughts seem to cut into what she has to say, as if he's desperately trying to get them out. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have no critique/suggestions for this piece. :) The way your story flows is great, and your wording is just beautiful. Even if I have no familiarity with this fandom, I loved this piece! Keep up the good work. :)
| SunnyStorms chapter 1 . 7/13/2013
I watched this years ago and can't really recall the precise story now, just the feeling of it - bittersweet and sad. I thought this piece captured well that emotion that the film evoked. The imagery was beautiful and the fact that he can never quite get a solid hold of her well expresses the sad futility of him trying to maintain that connection with her in real life. I love the image you ended it on with the time passing marked by the shedding and blooming of the tree that held so much significance for them.
/Her voice is like a broken record, playing in shuddering jolts./ - so vivid, such an evocative way to describe the sound of her words.
The ending was pitch perfect, a great echo of the film while adding your own twist.
/No. No. No. I do not know, I do not know how fast cherry blossoms fall...because I don't know how fast I must fall to be able to reach you./ -Beautifully sad T.T Great job with this.