|Reviews for Naruto: Bijuu Chronicles|
| AspergianStoryteller chapter 7 . 2/10/2010
Wow. You know, I was rather worried when you typed that Sasuke was dead, but what you did afterwards was very intersting. I can't wait to find out more. I like how things are going. By the way, when I read that last bit, I though it would be funny if Kyuubi's chuckling and Naru's tummy rumbles got mixed up. Like: RUMBLE. "Naruto, I know you're hungry, but your stomach sounds like it wants to eat us!"
| Folkens chapter 6 . 1/31/2010
Im quite surprised with this story, the low number of reviews didnt really encourage me to read it, but after one chapter i realised that this story is good. There is a level of realism not seen in the cannon, also, you gave the story a deph rarely seen.
Hope you update soon.
| buzzbumble chapter 6 . 1/31/2010
Your story is great! Love how you have the characters doing somethings differently ... Wonder how long it will take sakura to take off her rose tinted glasses?
| AspergianStoryteller chapter 6 . 1/29/2010
I am really liking your story. It's got a nice adventure coming along, a good mix of cannon and fannon, the characters are largely ic- with a few good little tweaks, you've neither rushed nor overdone things, excellent character/plot/relationship development and not too much power ups. I really look forward to reading your next update. Keep up the good work! :D
| Fraveth chapter 4 . 1/22/2010
Chapters 2 and 3 are identical.
| AspergianStoryteller chapter 3 . 1/20/2010
I really like what you've done with Ebisu. I look forward to reading more about his and Naruto's lessons in the future. I also like the stuf about Naruto being good with traps,pranks and stealth. I reckon it's just fine for him keep up pranking, especially if he applies it to missions... By the way, why didn't you keep in the accidental kiss? It was totally haliarious in cannon.
| Darkserna chapter 1 . 12/22/2009
very good cant wait for more it was very good, and i enjoyed it. ou gave desriptions of how things came to be, blowing that mist away, and revealingwhy and how the byakugan, shaingan, and rinnegan came into being. it was a true pleasure reading this story.
| Shinichi06 chapter 4 . 12/19/2009
Great story! Keep writing and update soon!
| Crypton89 chapter 3 . 12/14/2009
I like your story a lot, and I hope that Naruto will grow strong in a short amount of time. The reason for Naruto not knowing anything about chakra that you named, i like it much better than Kishi's where Naruto just didn't give a crap and could control it well because of Kyuubis influence. Keep up the good work and update soon please.
| KyLewin chapter 3 . 12/14/2009
I'll again have the review window open while I read, so this might be a bit disjointed.
Don't use "dattebayo." It has no real translation and is (near as I can tell) a word that Naruto adds to his sentences to make what he's saying sound important. When it comes at the end of an english sentence, however, it just looks weird (in my opinion, of course). It is kind of like having "oohayo gozaimasu" (good morning) or "konichiwa" (hello or good afternoon) in your otherwise all english story. Perhaps a little better than those, as they actually have literal translations, but only just a little. If you really want to keep it, it's fine, but be sure to set down very strict guidelines for yourself concerning japanese words within your story. I've seen some stories where you almost have to have a japanese dictionary open just to follow them... and you REALLY don't want to go down that path.
"Magomusuko" is another one that I suggest should be removed (especially because of how it sounds in the line: "Naruto, let go of the Honorable Magomusuko! He’s the Hokage’s Honorable Magomusuko!"), this time because it actually does have a translation and is a fairly long word (I'm not a big fan of jiji, but at least it is shorter and doesn't send me to google to find a translation). Since you also use the word "grandson" (in dialogue, no less), it just seems odd to use it. Why not also use the words for dad and granddad (otoosan and ojiisan/jiji)? Those words appear within the same scene that Magomusuko does. Hmm, it sounds like I'm harping on this a lot... well, I guess it's just my personal preferences. I tend to side on the minimal japanese side. At first, I only used it for titles (I realize "Honorable Magomusuko" is a title but you only have half of it in Japanese, so - for the sake of my argument - I'm going to claim that this is a key difference), the names of ninjutsu, and the occasional Itadakimasu (as I couldn't find what I considered an acceptable translation for the word). Now I don't even use it for ninjutsu (I just don't name them). It just felt wrong to have them there. Since Naruto doesn't take place in Japan, he really just speaks whatever language it is that his story is written in... so having a blend of Japanese and English seemed silly... probably not as silly as writing this much on something so minor, but silly nonetheless! ;)
Oh, you missed a great opportunity for a funny line after Konohamaru says "because no one ever sees me." Given that the first paragraph of this scene deals with numerous examples of Konohamaru's poor disguises, I expected Naruto to say something to the effect of: "How can they not see you? You suck at hiding!" Ah well, somehow I'll live.
Hmm, I think you maybe could have avoided a large portion of the Konohamaru stuff in this chapter. The variations between it and canon are pretty minor, you could have covered it in a single paragraph or maybe two and just started with Ebisu and Naruto at Ichiraku's. As a rough estimate, I'm betting you could have cut 5K words from this chapter without losing anything. I say this not because it was bad (far from it), but because it was so close to canon, that it will turn some readers off.
The part where Ayame says "Katsudon" should maybe have had something to clue the reader in that "Katsudon" is a food. It was a little unclear from the context and given that you occasionally use japanese words (ah! see how I sneak that back in?), I thought that perhaps it referred to either Sakura or Naruto's manners (in other words, I thought it might mean something like "ah geez, this kid has manners now, what next?"). Just a "she sighed as she set a bowl of rice topped with a pork cutlet and an egg and said, "Katsudon" would have worked. Actually, as a rule you should probably have a least a few words of description for dishes with japenese names, just to help the reader picture it if he or she has never heard of it before.
I think you could have skipped the Kakashi introduction as well, and just mentioned it after the fact. Something like: "Once Naruto met his teach, Hatake Kakashi - who was several hours late and received a proper Naruto welcome (in the from of a prank) as a result - he and his teammates went on the roof to be properly introduced. Kakashi was less than forthcoming with any information other than his name. Sakura couldn't name anything that she liked or dreamt about (though her glances at Sasuke were strong hints), but managed to easily tell everyone that she hated Naruto. Sasuke was almost as uninformative as Kakashi, but did mention that there was someone he wanted to kill. And Naruto... Naruto had been a little hungry at the time, so most of his answers revolved around ramen, with his dream naturally being to become Hokage. Kakashi wasn't so much unimpressed with Team Seven's answers as he just seemed not to care. After the introductions were concluded, he made some vague reference to survival training, told them that they could still fail to become full-fledged ninja by failing the survival training, and then told them not to eat breakfast before meeting him at the training grounds." That right there would cut nearly 800 words from the chapter AND let the reader skip over stuff that he or she has probably read and/or seen at least a dozen times.
I could be wrong, but I thought there was something about this site not wanting authors to address reviewers in the text of a chapter... hmm, hard to remember. I think the problem was that stories were appearing artificially long because half of the chapters were filled up with a dozen responses to reviews. That's probably why they added the "respond to review" option. I don't think what you have here is a big deal, but if you start having responses to something like ten reviewers, well, that might get you in trouble (assuming I'm remembering right).
Anyway, this is a good chapter, but I think you are getting dangerously close to spending too much time basically just repeating canon. As I said before, you could cut almost everything prior to Ebizu and Naruto talking at Ichiraku and cover it with just a paragraph or two and then could have done the same with the Kakashi intro stuff. I understand that there are some changes in those events, but none of them seem to be large enough changes that they really need to be conveyed in detail. Speaking as a fellow long-winded writer, I can tell you that whenever we can cut things down a little, we need to. If the reader is expected to mostly already know something and it isn't extremely important that they see the scene, then it should probably just receive the overview treatment.
So, good job, but watch out for repeating too much canon as it can turn people off.
| KyLewin chapter 2 . 12/12/2009
You know, they really should put the review tab at the top of the page as well as at the bottom. It's annoying to have to spend the six or seven seconds it takes to scroll down to the bottom so I can have this window open while I read... hmm, that sounds a little bit like whining. Perhaps I should just start reading, eh?
"and it was this upon scene that he intruded to cheer up" - word order issue. You probably meant "and it was upon this scene".
Is Naruto's first jacket "neon orange"? Hmm, I didn't think so, but according to the pictures of neon orange that google gives me, I guess you might be right. There doesn't seem to be as much of a difference between neon and regular orange as I'd thought there'd be. I still think that his jacket was just regular orange... but this is probably not something worth the amount of energy I've put into writing about it!
"while studiously ignoring the neon orange stuck to Iruka's behind for the rest of the day" - It seems like something was missing from this sentence. Neon orange what? Unless there was an actual orange on Iruka's butt (I'd have thought he would have noticed, but perhaps he was distracted by Naruto's stellar focus on the lesson), you probably are missing a word. Perhaps "sign" or "paint"?
Consider using the english for the names of the hand seals. It might not be that important, but I found myself just skipping over the "Uma, Hitsuji, Mi, Ne, U, Saru," etc part. Since half this paragraph is made up of those words, the temptation to skip it is rather large. Still, you seem to be using japanese for most jutsu related things, so this is probably just a style issue and one that you are free to ignore (because, of course, you are obligated to follow all of my other suggestions!).
Funny that the crystal ball is reserved for emergencies and can only be used three times... since the Third uses it to spy on Naruto and Konohamaru in the second chapter of the manga (the last time the crystal ball was ever seen, if memory serves, so it would seem that he wasted his final chance to gaze into it on something rather frivolous). Though, I suppose that the grandson of the Hokage hanging out with a someone like Naruto might fall under the title of "emergency" as well.
I chuckled at the "hey! I know that word!" bit in the middle of Naruto's reading. It seemed very chapter 1 Naruto-ish.
Why was the bench split down the middle? I mean, Naruto's messing around with wind jutsu, so I assume that he accidentally did it, but it seemed like he was busy being curled up on the ground and whimpering in pain when it happened. The jutsu he was working on was a "long-range offensive wind jutsu," but it seemed like he had done the whole convert wind into sound, rather than the opposite... so I'm not sure I get why he apparently also managed to launch the long-range attack. Meh, perhaps it will be explained later.
"That his injuries may be to severe for his" - should be "too"
Fifteen minutes seems a bit short for him to learn Kage Bunshin in. In the manga, the Hokage says that the scroll was missing for half of a day, so the argument could be made - if the Third is taken literally, rather than "half of the daylight" or about 6 hours, which is probably what he meant - that Naruto has the scroll for as many as 12 hours. Now, for your story it is, of course, fine if you don't want to have him take that long, since you obviously mean for him to learn some other jutsu first, but you might want to have him take a little more time. The problem that this introduces, however, is that you have Naruto's jutsu practiced broken up by the Iruka and others searching for him, so it will be hard to give him more than a few minutes learning Kage Bunshin. Not sure how you'd fix it, but it definitely gave me pause when I read it, so it might cause others to do the same.
"They really hate you in reality" - this isn't wrong, but consider changing "really" to "actually" due to the similar appearance of "really" and "reality." I'm of the opinion that you should try to avoid similar looking and sounding words within a sentence unless you have no other choice. It just looks and sounds weird to me.
"If anyone could make it out intact without learning the lesson, Naruto would be the prime candidate." - Ah, that's just classic! Great line.
"and how bad you’re at it?” - again, this isn't wrong, but it might sound better as "you are" rather than "you're." Try reading it out loud both ways and see if you agree.
Alright, this was a good chapter as well. Perhaps a little boring because it was mostly a rewrite of the first chapter of the manga (with some changes, of course, but the same basic outline), but still good. Given what you seem to be trying to do, I don't think you could have avoided going through the Mizuki stuff. The timeline shifts a little due to Naruto's investigation into the other jutsu, but not enough to really alter how that confrontation would play out.
I personally thought that it might have been nice if Naruto HAD made everyone wait for him to be reassessed, if for no other reason than because it would have changed which team he was on and, thus, forced significant changes into what happens from here on out. Still, I'm sure that you'll have some sort of changes ready. One word of advice: start making changes within Kakashi's test or just skip it altogether. I had a ridiculous number of complaints about how closely I followed the manga when I hit that little patch.
Overall, there were some very nice descriptions and your writing was generally very good, with few spelling and/or grammar errors. I think this seems to be a nice beginning to your story, though it is still early and a little hard to tell where you are going with things (for some reason you haven't bothered to completely spell out the plot in the first two chapters... ugh, guess I'll actually have to read the rest to see what happens!). ;)
Sorry about the really long review, but I fear you'll just have to get used to it.
Keep up the good work,
PS: I don't know how much you care about reviews, but I found that having several chapters ready and then posting them almost once a day for a week went a long ways towards getting people to check out the story. The longer you can keep it on the front page, the more readers you're likely to attract. Once it reaches the 20K word mark or so, you don't need to update nearly so often, since those who are looking for longer stories will still spot it when they filter out the shorter ones. At least, I think that's how I got people to start reading my story... to be honest, I was never expecting to have so many readers, so I'm not totally sure how much my update speed had to do with drawing them in. Can't hurt though, right?
| KyLewin chapter 1 . 12/12/2009
Hi. You sent me a message asking me to beta your story about a week and a half ago, but I never got back to you. Part of it was laziness, but the main reason was that my email account decided - randomly, I think, though I MAY have accidentally hit a wrong button - to put alerts from this site on the block list. I've spent the last month wondering why I wasn't getting any reviews or story alerts! Anyway, it wouldn't have really mattered, because my plate is a bit full to take on any more beta work, still I certainly don't mind reading what you have and giving my opinion (if you don't mind).
Incidentally, good sites to go for research are Narutopedia and . Narutopedia is a pretty good place for large quantities of info and all of the basics you could want, leafninja has interesting detail data (as well as the common stuff) on things like hand seals for jutsu (even has what those seals look like when preformed). Those are the places I get most of my info if I can't just find it in the manga itself.
I'm going to be reviewing as I go, so I can copy down any mistakes I spot. If this review seems a bit disjointed, that's why.
"and left the remnants to deal on their own with the hygienic issues resulting from the carnage on their own." - get rid of one of the "on their own" in this sentence.
The Sage of the Six Paths had the Rinnegan, not the Byakugan... but here at the end you make reference to the Rinnegan. Hmm, interesting. You might want to have something on the Rinnegan at the beginning as well, since it makes it look like you made a mistake when I'm guessing the use of Byakugan was intentional. It would seem that you hold (at least for this story) the belief that the Rinnegan is the source of the other doujutsu. I disagree, but it's a pretty minor point, all things considered.
Shukaku is a tanuki, not a raccoon. Though closely related, the animals are different.
"However, no one knew of seals powerful to potentially hold indefinitely, and breaking the vessel would release the Bijuu." - This sentence seems a little awkward to me. I think there should at least be an "enough" after "powerful"... but even then it could probably use a little work.
Alright, this was a good opening chapter. You write very well, not too simple, but you also clearly didn't just sit around using a thesaurus trying to make yourself look smart (which I've, unfortunately, seen done before). I think my only "complaints" (if I could even call it that) involve some of your interpretations of canon. Given that a lot of the ancient past of the ninja world is unexplained or just plain vague, I'd say that my complaints are based more on personal beliefs rather than cold hard facts anyway.
Since this is the opening chapter, its hard to really give any sort of real critique. Most of it was written like a page out of a history text book (not a bad thing says this history major, though others might disagree), an overview of sorts. My only real advice is to make sure you go back and do something about your reference to the Sage's "Byakugan." I think you need to do something to make it clear that you actually have read the manga past chapter 372 (the Sage appears in 373). In the few pictures that we've seen of the Sage (or his silhouette anyway), he always possesses the Rinnegan. If you want to say that he could also use the abilities of the Sharingan and Byakugan, that's fine (I'd argue that Pain didn't show any such abilities, but that's not really important), but be sure that your readers aren't wondering why you'd make such a mistake in the first few paragraphs of your story.
Other than that, a very good beginning, I think. I don't have the time or energy to beta the story for you, but I'll definitely keep an eye on it and read as you update (especially now that I'll actually get the story alerts!).
| Silmr3 chapter 2 . 12/11/2009
very well written. its caught my attention and i cant wait for the next chapt.i just want to know wht your overveiw for this story is,like what should i expect(generaly) of narutos character.
| Zeronibw chapter 2 . 12/10/2009
Constructive criticism hmm, First of all good job on this it has a good feel to it and I kept reading, even if it was a bit long winded. The remedial classes is a good idea, just don't make them, omfgi'mgod classes that turn him into a super tough ninja. But overall I think your interpretation of the first chapter of Naruto was pretty good. Keep it up, and I'll keep reading.