|Reviews for Resurection|
| memories.of.rain chapter 7 . 2/18/2010
I love this story! I love that you actually developed your oc instead of making her a mary-sue type character! :D I love that Chad and Lilly are practically dancing around eachother in the romance area. GREAT STORY! I hope that you write more of this soon! _ - .rain
| Yemi Hikari chapter 1 . 1/27/2010
This isn't meant to sound rude, but looking through a bit of your work, it seems that you have the tendancy to write, Mary Sue fanfics. I might be slightly inacurate that they are all Mary Sues, but a few of them are. I am going to critique the fanfic, for the soul purpose, to help you improve, and become better at writing, because it will be much easier if, when you don't know what you're possibly doing wrong, if someone points it out.
To open up, her name is enough to make her a Mary Sue character. How does one explain why a character with an English name, happens to be going to an Japanese school? The teacher doesn't even present her as a transfer student. Picking out names for ones OC, one has to always be careful.
One makes the mistake, of opening up, by describing ones character, when they don't describe any of the other characters in such a fashion. She also has been desribed in perfect terms. "skin had a light tan"... "waist long brown hair" ... "slender girl". It is advisable, when creating an OC, that one doesn't use to much of these terms all at once, and that one shows, not tells.
Another is, the way she is dressed. Yes, it can be explained that she didn't have time to prep a uniform for school, but I doubt that they would have let her wear a black trench coat to school, of all places. One should really do some reasearch to, into Japanese school systems, because it is nothing, nothing like the American school system. While we push for individuality, Japan pushes for conformity. Which reminds me of a good Manga, that adresses this issue, called "Cat Street"... you might be interested in reading it.
She is way to focused on Chad's looks. Good romance, it doesn't base itself just on looks, but personality. This makes your fanfic seem hormonally driven. Focus on developing her character, and how they work together.
As for Lilly sitting up on the roof, most high schools, when they allow axcess to the roof, they also have it surounded by meshed wire, to prevent accidents from happening, so Lilly would not have happened to be able to sit on the roof, and there would have been no incident that happened.
One gives Lilly the ability she isn't likely to have, of being able to flip over ontop of the roof. She also has good fighting skills, which come out of nowhere... she just happens to have them.
There is an over use of Japanese words. For example, "Aiya" ... should simply be ouch. Using to many words is annoying, so use them when you most need them. For example, the 'oi' and -san, -chan are fine, but 'aiya' is not, as it can be said in other words, that are much better.
Concidering they wouldn't have let her walk into the school, with the trench coat, it is highly doubtful she would be able to carry all that stuff, without being caught. And if she was wearing all this stuff, which should have protected her ribs, how did she end up with a broken rib.
To top it all off, she has an angst story, in an attempt to make the reader pity her. In truth, it is more likely to turn them away from her, and be annoyied of her.
That... was just the first chapter. Sure, it may improve over time, but when a story starts off bad, it will end up having problems drawing people into it. And yes, we can't believe what happens in Bleach to be able to happen in the real world, but there is a literary term called, "willing suspension of disbelief", and this... just isn't believable.
For your next fanfic that you attempt to write, here are a few things I am going to suggest to you.
1.) Plan it out, begining, middle and end.
2.) Don't use fanfiction as a way to showcase cool OC's, use it as a way to showcase your good ideas.
3.) Use outlines to plan it out.
4.) Do ones research
5.) And while I haven't seen this in your work, this is something that I wish for you to be wary of. Some writers treat the canon characters as their own personal play toys. The fandom belonged to someone else first, so... one should at least treat the characters with resect, and not use them as ones own personal toys. Again, I haven't seen it in the one chapter that I've read, it is more of something for you to avoid.
I hope this can be of help to you, and actually help you to improve. Tvtroupes also has a lot of good information too...