|Reviews for Ardent Flame|
| Revolation chapter 1 . 4/15/2012
I always love a goo Azula story. I'll have to keep this on watch!
| xforevrgonex chapter 25 . 4/12/2012
Soooo, i just finished reading your story. I absolutely loved it!
I loved how you changed Azula and Qilaq's attitude throughout the story. Having Qilaq go crazy in the end and kill himself made me cry so much! :'(. It was a good twist though. At first i was angry at how Azula and him didn't end up together. But then i got to thinking it was more original than the other happy ending stories, props for that! I just cant get over Qilaq's personality and everything, so sexcii (good job on him by the way)!
Bai Tan and Da Tan seriously deserved the way they died. Haha. How you explained the reason why the rebellion shouldn't have exsisted was really good too. It made alot of sense. Oh! Also, the way you had Bai Tan as a "double-agent" was really good too! I knew something was up with him when he was first introduced! c:.
I thought it was also refreshing how you had shown a positive change in Ozai. For me, it balanced out how mad Qilaq had changed. Haha, i really liked that by the way. o.o
Anyways, good story! :D
| resented chapter 19 . 3/31/2012
By the way azula moved and being called a harlot should I assume that she was no longer a virgin before she had any sexual intercourse with Qilaq?
| denniskaylor71482 chapter 25 . 12/20/2011
I was to say the least taken back by this story. I just loved how you brought Azula's character out and her madness. I really can't rave alot about this story. Although it is as of now The BEST AZULA STORY for me to date...Thank You.
| Attila1987 chapter 26 . 9/9/2011
Well, I just ended to read your story.
A very interesting one, with really deep and intriguing, it put a really dark turn on the ATLA universe, with your bunch of shell-shocked veteran, really away of the black and white morality of the canon cast.
And of course, Qilaq is the more interesting, constantly between light grey and VERY dark grey, on the razor edge between his desire to turn the page of the War and his murderous rage! And in the end he could turn the page and decided to destroy himself and all the evil and hatred he carried.
At first I was about to complaint about the lack of developing of Qilaq companion, Lim and Nuan, but the kind-of teaser you published rise hopes that we will learn a little more about them, moreso than now we lerant that Nuan, like Qilaq, couldn't turn the page and noes his going on a revenge quest against Aang!
But there still some things if found a little off : first how during the entire story Azula seems to be a damsell who need protection, and when finally we see her kicking some asses on chapter 25... you make her having a breakdown and sacrifice her bending to gain peace. Well in a sense it's brave, but personaly I feel like she took the "easy path" : instead of facing the consequences and prove to the Gaang that she changed by facing her trial in jail(after her breakdown I don't think Zuko will have the heart to lock her for the rest of her life), she offers to be amputated to a part of herself, to let Aang "spiritually mutilate" her to make everyone content that she got her fangs filed, for me it seems a bit coward, moreso after what she has been through to get back in shape in order to free Ozaï, and specialy because Zuko bears some of the fault by acting like a psycho-rigid madman even after Azula made clear that she didn't want to kill him!
Another thing that bugs me his how some of the canon character get underexploited : like Long Feng who appears to be blown off five minutes after he appears, or Ty Lee who get wonded and then... well nothing!
Likewas Iroh appears just during one chapter just to says that Azula is an animal and must be hunted.
A last thing is about Zuko : how you reversed the roles a Zuko filed with hatred and an Azula who don't want to harm him is very interesting, and shows that even the good guys can snap. If I could only say a thing, you don't talk about the aftermath of the battle : Naoki gets killed, Azula desperate enough to sacrifice her bendin, after all of this we didn't know how the relation between Zuko and the rest of his family eveloved : did he trust Azula now, still didn't buyed her change of heart, didn't want to have anything to do with them and they didn't talk since the past 8 years?
Well with all of this it looks like i'm bashing your stry, while it's quite the opposite : I really loved it, except for the things I talked about up there!
I hope you will continue this story!
| OmniSchreiber chapter 26 . 9/6/2011
Whoa, holy story necromancy Batman!
So, interesting. I'm assuming the first part is from Nuan's POV, based entirely on the mention of the wire spool... but then I thought Nuan's hair was not so long or dark. But the comparisons (of her hopes to a plant) reminded me of the tree Qilaq asked her to take care of. Maybe you could clarify that? Either that, or it's Azula herself on her way to immediately charge after Aang. Or something. The time jump throws me.
The second part I really liked. Mostly. That Azula ended up bearing Qilaq's son is... well I'm not sure. Certainly plausible. Odd thing to change (or add) after the story was put to rest for so long. Possibly contrived. It's one of those things that could really be built upon, or not, if you end up doing more with this.
What was better was just the confrontation between the two women. That was just *intense*, and without any fighting at all. They way you describe Azula's reaction and her fierce protectiveness of her child is like a roundhouse kick of words. Very cool.
Although, I will say it sucks to be Aang. I mean, he's probably emotionally disturbed for having to witness the way Qilaq chose to die, and now he has one, possibly two very dangerous women who believe he is responsible.
And LOL "Grandpa Ozai".
| Black Diamond07 chapter 26 . 9/5/2011
Aww, I really loved this story! But at least something came out of the two's union! I hope you do more stories of Azula! U have great talent!
| Ralyn chapter 25 . 8/23/2011
Qilaq was the greatest feat your story has accomplished thus far in a character. He and Azula made a brilliantly mad team.
| Black Diamond07 chapter 25 . 7/31/2011
Beautiful story! Completely moved! I had hoped Qilaq and Azula would end up with each other, but then again War and Peace is always a double-edged sword; one cannot exist without the other.
4rm da blk chick$$$
| Ayamai chapter 7 . 5/31/2010
I’m reviewing, not betaing, so I’m not going to pick everything apart like I did with the summary. I feel it would be more beneficial to point out themes that I’ve seen. I’m going to use examples, but what I list here isn’t everything.
The main issues I’m seeing is writing style continuity, POV changes, and dialog.
While having a large vocabulary is great, never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice :D In chapter 4, the head advisor soliloquized. Even though the word works, saying "mused out loud" or "spoke to himself" would work better. When you throw in a word that is probably a 12th grade or a college level vocabulary word, it sticks out. It also seems weird that he would say all of what he did out loud.
With your continuity chapter 7 is a good example. You start with a lot of poetic prose, more than the rest of the story, and it breaks the style you've set up. Only after I read the paragraph, do I realize it's a dream sequence, and I don't feel like I've gained any insight with it. I actually wanted to gloss over that paragraph because you're trying to describe something abstract, and, again, the prose really throws it off. Unless it's necessary to the plot, I would just take it out.
I feel like with some of the high level vocabulary words, and the prose, that you're trying to tell the reader "Hey look. I'm smart because I'm throwing this into the story", but it's coming out random and with out purpose. It isn't adding anything to the story, it's actually detracting. It isn't woven into the rest of the work well, and comes out of nowhere and jars the reader out of the nice flow you've already set up.
You broke POV in chapter 3 when Lim was making dinner:
"There was just enough for three, he noted…. That route always worked to please him, he thought."
The rest of the chapter is from Azula's POV. It needs to be in Azula’s POV through out.
I would also get rid of phrases like:
“As they moved down the darkened streets of the town, painted eyes watched them from the shadows." You had something similar at the end of chapter 2. Qilaq and Azula don't know that anyone's there, so that also breaks POV.
Later in chapter 7, you break POV again with the line:
"Yes, sir." The guard was trying to figure out what he had done and at the same time wondered where his superior was going with this line of questioning."
POV should never switch in the middle of a scene. As I get further and further into the chapters, I'm noticing that you're doing that more.
I've also noticed that you don't always break dialog into paragraphs correctly. At first I thought it was a typo, but I'm seeing it enough that I wonder if you know that whenever a different person talks, you start a new paragraph. No matter what. You also interject action into dialog sections. This is good because it creates variety, but sometimes you don't do it properly:
"Come on, you sons of whores!" Qilaq screamed in kind with a mad look on his face. "Come and get it!" Da Tan snatched up his squealing friend and ran off around the corner without so much as a word. "That's what I thought." said the Water Tribe warrior, rubbing his ribs.
This paragraph confused me, because I wasn't sure if Qilaq was saying everything or if Da Tan said "Come and get it!". This is manly because Da Tan's name follows the dialog, and this paragraph is focusing on what Qilaq is saying and doing, not Da Tan. What Da Tan is saying should be it's own paragraph.
This is minor but in chapter 6 you say:
"She had pushed through the screaming masses and thrown the knife with deadly (non-lethal) accuracy right into the mad man's arm"
If it's deadly, how can it be non-lethal. Maybe she threw it with precision instead?
Those are the main drawbacks of the story. On the good side, I feel that as of chapter 7, you have a good grasp on the story you want to tell. Things are reading like you wrote an outline ahead of time, and know when and in what order things need to happen to make your plot work. I like the simultaneous tellings of Azula and Zuko facing their own problems. It keeps a nice flow going.
You have a good story, good characters, you just need some revamping to polish it.
| Ayamai chapter 2 . 5/31/2010
Eventhough my review of the summary was harsh, with in the the first few pharagraphs, my opinion of this story has changed.
You put in descriptions of the setting.
I like the waterbender. You give me just the right amound of descripton of him: not too much, not too little.
With in the first scene change, I can see that there are going to be multipul plots going on.
Whenever you switch settings, you want to put in something extra to let the reader know that you're switching scenes: an extra space between pharagraphs, a line break, or even a series of "" would work. All of your setting changes are confusing with out that.
You said that the first chapters were rough, so I'm pretty sure this is just a typo:
"We propose that, since their supply lines cannot be pinned down directly, we simply cut off all the supplies all together." The boney man's enthusiasm was audible. "What?"
I'm guessing Zuko said "What?", and the dialog just didn't get its own pharagraph.
I would work on the dialog between the Fire Nation soldures and the Waterbender. I don't always know which one is talking.
At the end of the first chapter is the moment where I decide if I want to continue with the story. It's where I decided if any errors I see out weight the good stuff, and I want to continue reading.
Your summary and the lack of any formating to let the reader know you are changing scenes are your main flaws. Your characterization of Zuko is spot on. I feel like all of the your walk on chacters have their own personalities, and can play a large part in the plot with out over taking it.
Even with the flaws, I want to know what's going to happen. I hit the button for the next chapter.
| Ayamai chapter 1 . 5/30/2010
I haven't actually read the chapter, but the summary intrigued me and made me not want to you read your story at the same time.
"Four years after War's end, Azula has escaped! The dogs let slip, she must now run. Soon she will drink the heady draft of vengeance. Amongst the trees, she is rescued… or is she?"
I'm intrigued by the premise of following Azula on a escape, but I'm not so included on reading a story that has grammar errors in the summary.
It should be "Four years after THE war's end, Azula escaped!" You forgot the word "the", and saying "has escaped" makes it a passive sentience.
"The dogs let slip, she must now run." This makes no sense to me. The dogs let what slip, and what does that have to do with her running?
"Soon she will drink the heady draft of vengeance." Technically there's nothing wrong with that, but I've never heard anyone say "heady draft of vengeance". You get creative points, but it also made me think of someone drinking vengeance out of a beer mug.
"Amongst the trees, she is rescued… or is she?" It should be "Among" or "in". It's also overly cliche, and the rest of the summary gives me no idea why she would be in trees, or need to be rescued.
You captured my attention, but unfortunately you also made me go "WTF?" at the same time, and not in a good way.
| awolfofredmoon chapter 1 . 5/13/2010
after reading all of the story i felt as though qilaq took the easy way out yes he was burden by what he did who he was as a killer and found that no matter what he would all ways be a killer numb to life (which was a good use of the venom to physically show was he was emotional)
but still i just felt bad for qilaq for him to give up on changing after he see's the massive change he him self was able to help azula make
| awolfofredmoon chapter 23 . 5/13/2010
i dont know how in the hell you came up with this line but i am in awe of you mastery of the English language
i just wonder how you came up with it
"Goody. Sex. Why don't we ever have sex, Qilaq?"
"Because this sphere of existence couldn't handle the titanic tremors from our conjoined quivering."
"Oh, is that why?"
| OmniSchreiber chapter 25 . 4/26/2010
I was waiting for how you'd handle Zuko and Azula talking to each other, especially given Azula's change. Incidentally, Zuko has almost gone the opposite direction: his pain and stress has put him on the path to becoming as cold and hateful as his father once was.
This is the dynamic I always saw between the siblings. When one is trying to be honest, the other is distrustful or vindictive. If ever they really opened up, and at the same time, things would have been a lot different. But alas, that never happens, and here when Azula claims she wouldn't have killed Zuko, that she felt betrayed first (both arguable really, and possibly lies, so I can't expect Zuko to react any other way), he strikes first.
Were-we're your family.
Again, here, I think the only chance these two would reconcile is with action rather than words. Even Azula tries this here, but one can imagine that 4 years is a bit late to be making the attempt.
I have to say, Azula was a bit more "wailing damsel" here than I felt was appropriate. Maybe the dam finally broke, having to once again fight her brother, in addition to seeing her father a broken wreck, etc. I just thought it was a bit melodramatic. This was tempered somewhat by Aang's almost bizarrely plucky demeanor about the whole situation, but then Aang does have a tendency to act that way at seemingly inappropriate times.
"Toph, never in my life have I so envied your lack of sight." Great line.
Also the bit about Aang still being made of water. Avatar's gotten a bit cocky, it seems.
Qilaqs end was fitting. He says he must stamp out evil, rants about it like he's going to start a crusade of murders... then kills himself. He never forgave himself for what he became. Tragic really. Especially since Lim and Nuan saw good in him. Even Azula did, though she probably wouldn't admit it to herself.
And Aang... how can he not be a little screwed up after that? Oh, some guy just blew himself up next to me... I'll just wash up... jeebus.
Anyway, this was a great read overall man. Cheers.