|Reviews for The Orchid of the Slums|
| Clan Dragoodle chapter 1 . 12/31/2009
"It was strange. Most people despised it there[...]" - "there" to "here". She's in the slums while narrating, it sounds strange to say it the other way.
"people determined to make a LIFE no matter how harsh the hand they were dealt by LIFE was." - perhaps consider chopping the end of the last sentence off at "dealt" to avoid the two "life"s so close to each other. It reads funny.
Avoid "crutch" words like "glimpse". You use it a lot in the beginning paragraphs - it's not a bad word, and accurately captures what you're trying to convey, but it loses it's power and feeling after the third use.
"She would probably be better off to leave now [...]" - I'm not technically sure if there is anything wrong with the word choice of "now" but I'll explain my reasoning that you would perhaps consider just cutting it off. Because the story is told in past tense the fact that a word like "now" is coming up just sounds...strange? Like, it doesn't add up with the past tense, does that make sense? But - again - I'm not solid on the actual "technical" issue of it.
"[...]she WATCHED some of the children playing in the street. She smiled as she WATCHED, [...]" - you do this in a complete of instances, like in earlier paragraphs with the word "streets", there's not wrong with it, but it's redundant and it reads a little funny. Simply finding another word substitute would work.
“I saw ya looking yesterday...” Tifa blushed and nodded, smiling.
“Hello...I’m sorry for staring, but you were so beautiful...” The flower girl blushed shyly. " - Now, Aeris is saying the first part of dialogue, but an action with Tifa is attached to it, which adds confusion and breaks the rules of dialogue. To clarify, I would detach "Tifa blushed and nodded, smiling." onto a new line and add some adjectives to Aeris' speaking line to help understanding. You might consider doing this with the rest of your dialogue to help clean it up a bit.
"She smiled up at the flower irl." - Girl
There are some problems in the character development and pacing of the piece, mostly in the idea that the relationship blooms so fast and hard for the two. And that can work, if you choose to go at a "love at first sight" feel, but it's usually paired with an extremely introspective bit, where as the current style is more like an omniscient being.
The actual plot and idea are quite cute though, and I find it an extremely enjoyable thought to toy with - so great on you for thinking it up and following it through - it was simply the execution that I feel needs a bit of work.
It just sort of flies by so fast, a single look that leads to a next meeting in which Aeris has such gal to place her hand on Tifa's leg, and the quite, stoic, reserved, Tifa has the brash to admit Aeris as "beautiful" out loud.
Those characteristics can be found in the girls, no doubt, but I think a single "glimpse" as the justification for all that is a bit weak for how shy they can be, no? I would urge you to put more into that moment, really freeze frame and purple prose it up - really add a nice contrast of style in all the simplistic dressings, no?
Anyway, those are just my lameass ideas, ha ha, I feel useless if I don't at least try to leave some helpful in a review. In short though, I think the idea is adorable and strangely fresh. I would love to see it "spruced" up a bit and more from you in this pairing.
| ALICE IT'S RAINing chapter 1 . 12/24/2009
this was great, well done
| SHA260 chapter 1 . 12/23/2009
aww, this fic is really cute, and I think you can write them, the only slight issue, like I said, is with the accents, but I think it's good, and, again, I really do appreciate all this :$