|Reviews for Unexpected|
| Nagasasu chapter 1 . 5/4/2010
Oh goodness, that was just heart-wrenching. Darn good writing too.
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/12/2010
Not bad work, overall. The premise is depressing, but fairly plausible. I usually don't read character death, gotta say, but I suppose it's inevitable in this fandom, huh? xD Anyway, onward for a few comments.
First of all, characterization. Let's start with June. If I may be blunt, there's not very much here telling me that June's the viewpoint character. Well, it is clear that it's June who's being focused on and June's side of things being seen, but I don't feel that you've given put very much of June's character into the writing. Honestly, June isn't exactly out of character here. She can't be. What you've given in this fic is a clear-cut list of things that happen to June and things that June does, and none of those things are OOC at all. But you don't write any emotional response, and you don't really deal with explaining why she went back to the hospital (to get her medication, I presume, but nothing about this is ever really stated), or how exactly she felt about Chi-Min's death, or anything. Though I'd have to say that, ultimately, it does seem somewhat OOC for June to entirely avoid eye contact and speaking with Chi-Min. I don't really understand why she would do this, and not try and talk to Chi-Min or something like that. Maybe if you were to explain why, then it would make sense, but as it stands, it looks more like a baseless plot device, if I may be very blunt. I'm also quite against the notion that June wouldn't notice Chi-Min's eyes getting to such a grave state. I can't imagine how that would elude her. All around, my point is that almost any personality besides June's could be substituted into this fanfic, and it wouldn't make very much of a difference. Try and let June's character shine through! This is meant to be a very sad story; a story cannot be properly sad without the characters' emotions being clear in the words. )
On to Chi-Min. There's more character to Chi-Min in your fic, seeing as we see his voice in excerpts of his letter, and your characterization of him in everything else regarding the letter. I agree with the way that Chi-Min acts more reserved and doesn't speak much with June after his confession. Additionally, the excerpt directly from the letter sounds a good deal like him, so that was quite impressive. However, I'm actually quite confused about his telling her all those secrets. I mean, and feel free to disregard this, quite naturally, he doesn't seem very keen at all about June finding out about all the things he's involved in, in general. Why would he choose to saddle her with all of that after his death? He wouldn't do that unless he truly wanted her to know... and why would he? Beyond all that exposition, though, I think the overall dramaticism of the letter does fit the circumstances. The exposition, however... yeah. I'm not really feeling it.
Moving on the story, or I suppose, the events in the oneshot, I have to say that there's not extraordinarily much here in the way of substance. The first half of the oneshot centers around recounting events from the comic, without applying any sort of introspection or insight into those events so as to have some sort of purpose in restating them. The second half coldly lists how Chi-Min dies, and then June follows due to not having proper treatment. There isn't very much to keep a reader drawn in, since this reads like a bland list of events more than anything, and for a fanfic that's meant to be sad, that isn't a very good thing. The general idea of the story (Chi-Min dying, the letter, etc.) could be made to be more enticing to readers, and could be made to be very very good, but you would need to work harder on writing in emotion and focusing a tad more on the introspection that would make the whole experience a little more personal and a lot less distant to the reader. At present, your sad story doesn't inspire very much real sympathy any more than a page of tragic statistics would: the actual information is sad, but it's ridiculously impersonal.
In terms of the writing, as I've said before, you use primarily bland statements telling the reader exactly what's happening, and telling when. "Show not tell," as I'm sure you've heard, is a vital piece of advice I feel this piece could benefit from. You do, however, have pleasing variety in your sentence structure, though your syntax can be confusing at times. There are times when you use more words than you need to to get a point across; in short, your sentences are a tad wordy. Your writing style itself is quite clearly not wordy, but the way you phrase certain things could be streamlined. That would help with flow and help eliminate some awkward wording you have here and there. Your word choice itself doesn't leave much to be desired, but still has room and potential for some strong improvement. Your writing as a whole, indeed, has a lot of potential, and plenty of room for improvement before that potential is reached.
All around, this piece has its good points and a fairly original idea behind it. The execution is shaky, but I'm sure you'll improve in time, as we all will. Not bad. ) Usually, I give a rating from one to ten, but I'm currently in the process of revising my rating system, so I hope you don't mind that I spare you that. I hope the comments are enough. ;
P.S.: I apologize sincerely, should any of the above comments or criticisms offend you in any way, as that is not my intent.
| NortheasternWind chapter 1 . 12/31/2009
D-D'aw... Chi and June have it so rough...
That sucks how June found out about Chi's death! How lame and sad.
I liked the letter, even if I didn't get to read all of it's contents- and since the comic hasn't advanced that far yet, I don't even know what Chi did to June's mother.
The last line is so sad! ;_;
A great read. Haru-Sari needs its own category.