|Reviews for Mia Bear|
| SiriusLuver16 chapter 25 . 7/27/2011
I really don't mean to be mean in this comment, and please don't take it as such. I just hope that my criticism can be taken as constructive and you can become a better writer because of it.
I truly love the idea that you have here, I think it's new and fresh, yet at the same time, I think your execution needs a little help. Imagine this- you know you're adopted, but one day, you find out that your biological family is none other than the family of your enemy. Not just any enemy either, a kid who has tormented you, tried to ruin a friend's life, contradicted your core beliefs, etc. and your biological father almost led to the death of your best friend and resulted in you being frozen for most of a year. I don't think that all of a sudden, you're going to trust them and want to be best buddies with them. Now, I'm not saying that you won't eventually accept them, but even a saint would be wary about going into this situation. It takes time to build a relationship, and it would be awkward to meet your biological family. I was disappointed that you did not explore this idea more, because I think it could've given a lot of depth to your story, and made the Malfoy family more depth as well. Rather than just being a family that used to be Voldemort supporters that suddenly changed when they found their daughter, you could have created your own version of the Malfoys. You could have added in complex story lines of how they changed, and what prompted this change, or even an idea that they had felt trapped into the dark arts because of what their family had expected of them. I don't know what the depth could have been, but it would have added another storyline and really drawn your readers into an emotional connection with the characters.
Also, I understand that some families are very close. I get that. However, at 14 or 15 years old, most girls don't sit on their father's laps anymore, no matter how close they are. Additionally, calling a daughter 'baby' gets a little bit creepy after a while in my mind. I think you need to think a little bit more about the characters at hand and their ages. How do 15 year olds interact with their fathers? And, more importantly, how would Hermione Granger interact with her father? Is she a daddy's girl? Or is she a strong and independent young woman who values and respects her father?
Now, I could go through and do that for every character, but I think you understand my point. I think you really need to analyze the characters and figure them out a little bit more. Character development is key in the story, and I don't think your character development was very strong up to this point. Additionally, while I understand that this is indeed fanfiction, I think that you need to stick to the personalities of characters given by J.K. Rowling unless you can explain through your writing why the character is acting differently than expected.
I have another piece of advice for you. When writing, sometimes you tell the story, rather than showing it, and that can become monotonous for the reader. I noticed this a lot when you were telling what each person got for Christmas. Would you rather read "Hermione got a book from Draco and a piece of jewelry from Harry" or
"Hermione carefully peeled silver paper off of a package that looked suspiciously like a book. Once the package was revealed, it was indeed a book. 'Hogwarts, a History,' Hermione breathed. 'Oh, thank you Draco, my old one was just falling apart!'"
While this type of writing takes a lot more work, I think its much more rewarding to write, because its easier to really see the story and sympathize with the characters. Its easier to truly become a part of the story. However, I understand that that type of writing can take a lot of work, and I get it. There are ways to disguise telling as showing, and one of the easiest ways is to use dialogue, rather than narration. Imagine the same scene, except as a conversation between Draco and Hermione.
"'What'd you get, Hermione?' Draco asked, waiting for her to ask the same to him. 'I got Hogwarts, A History, thanks for that Draco, and Harry gave me a beautiful silver necklace with a ruby pendant. Would you help me put it on?'"
That's a lot easier to write, and the dialogue breaks up the paragraphs of narration, while also giving the characters a voice. I would seriously look into adding more showing into your writing, even in small ways, because it can bring a story to life.
Finally, I think that you need to evaluate the speed of your story. While your development is lacking, the story drags on a little bit at times, and I think it's because you need to either add more content or trim down. There's a lot of unnecessary fluff, and while I am a fan of fluff, it drags down your storyline. If you cut out some of the fluff, the story would be able to shine a little bit more. Now, I'm not saying cut out the description or anything, but make sure that every single word you write helps to move your story along in some way. This doesn't just mean plot, it also means character development, however, there is a lot in your story that is unnecessary and it takes away from some of the high points that could be truly spectacular.
Now, I would like to apologize for this ridiculously long review, however, I would never review a story like this if I did not think that there was immense potential in the writer and the story. I hope that you do not hate me, and I recognize that I am not perfect in sending this message. Please take this as what it is-advice. Thanks again, SiriusLuver16
| Miss Lily Rose Snape chapter 25 . 7/20/2011
Okay, so I understand that I have a lot more to go with the story, I think I'm only half way through at the moment but I just wanted to tell you that I love this story and the way its going. I love most of all that Its not a story where hermione used to date Ron but they realised it doesnt work so the next day she realises she has feelings for Snape. I like this story for the fact that Hermione still has other feelings for other boys, and that she is starting a relationship with George. It makes the story more interesting and believable. BUT with all stories there are some bad notes to it. such as, in the beginning of the story you seem to just being retelling J.K's version of the story, and thats kinda lame. Also you have stopped mentioning Hermiones muggle parents without explanation and its slightly odd that one day Hermione suddenly starts calling the Malfoys mummy and Daddy, you need more ofa build up, luike you have done with the rest of the story. ANYWAY I love your story, keep writing while I keep reading :)
| JaneA0202 chapter 43 . 7/19/2011
well, I did finish reading this anyway..and since that horrible chapter it was..I dont know what it was, I dont remember much from these last chapters...Hermiones and Severuss relationship was weird and ridiculous..the whole story was weird...Im sure that not everybody thinks that, I guess that it wasnt my "cup of tea". So many things I didnt like...I prefer more mature and sensible stories. (without pointless deaths, rape and so). I dont mean those reviews as an insults, just honest opinions.
| JaneA0202 chapter 35 . 7/19/2011
you just killed it, Im so disgusted with this story and you...and I dont even feel sorry for saying this...Im sorry that I spent so many hours reading this... I hate rape in fanfictions...and this was really pointless...so I wont read it anymore...Im not angry, just very sad and dissapointed...I dont know why you did it, what were you thinking...but again, I dont know how old are you...maybe thats the reason this story is the way it is... really, you just ruined the whole story.
| JaneA0202 chapter 31 . 7/19/2011
I dont know, but was it necessary for Mr. Granger to die? Not that I care very much, he isnt important in this story.
by the way, I hope that Hermione didnt sleep with Georgle already...and she will never sleep with him...its enough that they are kissing. So far I dont know why this story is under SS/HG..already 31 chapters without them...If they get together three chapters before end...well I hope not.
| JaneA0202 chapter 28 . 7/19/2011
oh my...this was again little child Hermione...please grow up Hermione...I feel like Im repeating myself.. but Im starting to dislike this story...but I dont want to stop reading it, not when I spent a few hours reading it..
| JaneA0202 chapter 26 . 7/19/2011
what? why did Ohmare die? it wasnt necessary.
and I wish Lucius, Narcissa and Minerva would stop call Hermione Baby...thats almost disgusting, she isnt five years old! But everytime they call her that I feel like she is five. I dont know why all those sweet words are necessary...I dont think that in real life family members call youngers Baby and so constantly.
And that kiss between Hermione and George almost made me nauseous.
| JaneA0202 chapter 25 . 7/19/2011
Im reading this again since I did stop before I dont remember where...but si far Im not happy with it. The only thing I like is that Ron is idiot (I always like when he is idiot). The rest is so forward, everything is so much cute, everybody is suddenly friends with everybody...the worst is Hermione, she is like twelve, I really hope she will grow up, because her behaviour now is horrible and immature. Other children too. I dont like her with George...I wish this was Hermiones last year or she was already out of school...but she is still so young and its already 25th chapter...I hope it will change soon, because its starting to be boring.
| Mira Black-Snape chapter 43 . 7/19/2011
how do you keep up with all the names?
| Cheryl Grant chapter 27 . 7/17/2011
Has there been no letter to her adoptive parents to say "hey, how are you, oh, I found my biological parents and will spend time with them"?
| MarianneNorthmanCullen chapter 43 . 7/16/2011
Thank you gor the journey in your version of the HP world!
| MarianneNorthmanCullen chapter 42 . 7/16/2011
How sweet and wonderful!
| aschmieman chapter 43 . 7/15/2011
great story! that last chapter was a doozie. ...ps, I had a minor freak out because it just so happens that my sister's name is Lauen Elizabeth. :)
| Angel JJK chapter 43 . 7/15/2011
Good story! Look forward to more of your stories!
| HauntedApple chapter 41 . 7/5/2011
awww this chapter is sweet.
This whole story is amazing, i found it on saturday and i would not stop reading it until i was caught up. And now i am.
I can't wait for the next chapter