Reviews for Shine
jessica-semnadaprafaze123 chapter 1 . 8/30/2012
awww cute! I liked it.
Aniox chapter 1 . 5/2/2011
Will you

do?
JaMisa27 chapter 1 . 8/24/2010
tru dat
pisceanchic101 chapter 1 . 6/25/2010
How sweet! Nice job! :)
lazyguy90 chapter 1 . 3/12/2010
Nice work as always. Well done. Keep at it.
12345 chapter 1 . 1/23/2010
nice
Okamirakuen chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
I like it, it was cute and well-written.
A Dreamer Always chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
I liked it. It was very well described. I loved your use of color. It seemed very low-key, yet very sophisticated, if you can get my weird vocab XD
Sera chapter 1 . 1/9/2010
So

the reviewer beneath me is kinda... blunt.

But I agree with his/her sentiments.

I feel like you're embellishing it. All you need to remember is, less is more, keep it simple. You're not keeping it simple because YOU or YOUR READERS are simple. You're keeping it simple because it FLOWS easily that way. You don't have to say "sunburn, or a rose" or "ironed silk, or still water" because it's redundant and breaks up the flow.

With the first line, you don't have to say "light opal irises" because most people know what opal is (pale) and if they dont, they'll figure it out as they read.

You see what I mean?

Like a simple black dress, a few extra beads is fine. Throw on too many, and it's overwhelming.

But the sentiment and intentions behind your story was sweet and easy to grasp. I enjoyed that. :]

Don't get upset. Keep writing!
intervention time chapter 1 . 1/9/2010
Please look up the definition of 'purple prose', because your writing is drowning in it and it's nearly unbearable. I'm sure you'd be a fine writer without it, but with it you're hopeless. It renders your stories near-unreadable for people who aren't teenagers with too much love for adverbs and adjectives - or people who have any brains. Take your pick.

I'm going to take every example of purple prose I can find in your fic and post it in here, just so you know how awful (and persistent) the problem is.

"Silken indigo strands fall over light opal irises. Thick lashes bat. Petite shoulders rise and fall and a breath is released." (Wow, the second line! Well done.)

"...her gaze glimmers at a boy with strands of burnished gold and lively midnight-blue eyes. He’s flashing a sun-filled smile too, at a girl." (Oh man, the next line too?)

"Her eyes resemble big green emeralds, and her hair looks like sunburn, or a rose." (...And the one after that as well!)

"Like a flower, like a tiny seedling waiting to bloom, the girl longs to come out."

"A dark voice, deep and rough like granules of sand, and yet cool like smooth velvet."

"Dark eyes. Chiseled contours." ('Chiseled contours' is one of the silliest descriptions I've ever had the misfortune of reading. Contours of what? His chin? Forehead? Cheeks?)

"...the one who lured you into the depth of his enigmatics and effigies with just his look and voice..." (Really? Also, enigmatics is not a word.)

"Uncritically beautiful, paper white skin, and ebony spikes." (You realize that so far I have literally taken at least one line if not more from virtually every paragraph? This is a BIG PROBLEM.)

"The questions hang in the air like frosty icicles waiting to crash. Cold, unrelentingly razor-sharp." (By the way: you are pretentious as all hell, or so your writing leads me to believe.)

"A subtle note of loathing pierces the cruelly yet softly spoken words." (Description isn't everything, darling. In fact, too much of it - e.g., every single thing you've ever written - bogs down the piece and is tiresome and laughable.)

"Quivering pallid lips part to form the words. A sentence is stammered that drenches even the blue-shone haired girl in amazement..." (It DRENCHES her in amazement? Are you serious?)

"...so that her long, shining cascade of blue satin hides most of her face." (So, what? She's hiding behind a curtain? Try something like this: '...so that her hair hides most of her face.' See how simple that is?)

"...his dark, ink-black irises piercing her pale ivory ones, with just a dash of curiosity swirling amidst an array of crimson red flecks..." (Or: '...his curious eyes meeting hers.' Now, I know, I know, it's not as fun! There's not as many pretty words! It's not as visual! Oh god, the horror! Get over it. You should've moved past this level of writing at thirteen.)

"Color shoots through her lily-white cheeks instantaneously." ('She blushes'. God, it's so much nicer my way, isn't it? It reads like a real, you know, published writer. You write like a romance novelist. You realize those people are laughed at in the literary world, right?)

"Light moonstone eyes collide with perfectly charcoaled ones once more. Deep breaths are taken to calm a pounding heart..." (We've established that they're looking at each other. You don't need to say it again, with yet more awful, heavy-handed description.)

"Her porcelain skin, her piquant dollface, her diamond orbs — shine." (You do know that describing eyes as 'orbs' is one of the big no-nos of writing, right? Then there's 'porcelain skin', which is yet another description that is trite and overused by every bad writer out there. I'm not going to touch 'piquant dollface', because I'm going to assume that you were just kidding around when you wrote this; that you thought to yourself, 'Oh gee, I know a good way to make my readers wretch! Awesome!')

"The voice similar to ironed silk, or still water, turns startlingly soft." (Ironed silk OR still water? Both are horrid, but please choose one.)

'Fin' is spelled with one 'n' by the way. I don't care how cool you think it looks or how cool it will make you look. Also, PLEASE don't try and defend yourself by saying, 'My readers love me! Look at all my positive reviews!' It just proves they know as little as you do. Also, defenses like 'I've never heard of purple prose and so I can't be writing it!' aren't going to work on me either. The worst one to try, though, would be 'Well, you're obviously a terrible writer trying to make yourself feel better by attacking others!' No, honey. I'm trying to make YOU better, because I know what I'm doing when I write 'she blushed' instead of 'her pallid cheeks flushed with the bright crimson of a thousand suns' or whatever you would write in that situation, and I'm trying to pass that knowledge on to you.

I'm not out to stop you from writing. I'm out to make you a better writer, even if I'm not going to be nice about it. So please, for your own good as well as for the good of readers like me, look up purple prose and get out of the habit of using it.
hungryforcookies chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
If I was somehow transported at that moment when they're standing right in front of eachother, I would've thought they were kissing or something. Oh and I would've also took a picture of them. :]
LilL chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
Love this short piece. Very well done!
Neondaze chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
I love the attension to detail you always have in your writting! You have a colorful world choice!
math music reading chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
Beautiful.
Sepsis chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
that was sweet! :)