|Reviews for Resident Evil: How Gods Are Born|
| Chaed chapter 3 . 1/29/2010
Now, this was a wonderful alternate ending to a wonderful story. You really gave insight in Wesker's past and the psychological problems that came along with injecting himself during the Mansion Incident. I really like the change in moods - hate, doubt, anger.
Most people just go by the theory that he's a sick sociopath with wrong views on the world, but you've shown that apart from the battle he fights against the world, the biggest battle he fights with himself by trying to come to terms with what he has become and the people who are responsible for this.
Also, wow, Spencer that a**. Threatening Birkin and his family in such a way, that's just like him, that old senile freak. Seeing it like this, good job on killing him, Wesker.
Speaking of good jobs, you did a wonderful one on writing this story!
| Maiafay chapter 3 . 1/28/2010
In most cases, I don't like reviewing teenagers. Teenagers already are churning pools of emotional turmoil, stressed out from expectations of their parents, school, jobs (if they have one), and social life.
You have enough on your plate without some fan fic author pouncing a crit on you. However, I will make an exception.
Your level of writing is adept for your age; much better than many adults in this section. They must have great schools over in Spain, or maybe you just pay attention more than your average fifteen-year-old. Thank you for two (and a half) chapters of intriguing plot and decent prose.
That said, I'm going to pass along a few pointers on brevity, and using stronger verbs/nouns in descriptions. Your scene detail is good, though, a little wordy.
Try to utilize your POV character completely, make him/her do the describing in THEIR WORDS. Use their diction, tone, and what verbs they would use to describe a place, thing, or event. Don't let your narrator slip in and generalize your verbs. Then you lapse into what I call “reporter mode”: this is where you end up describing the scene from a stagnant POV, and end up with a dull, lifeless pile of details. If I were betaing, this is how I would edit your first paragraph.
He walked inside, the only sound disturbing the silence being the faint buzz of the fluorescent lights above him and the echo of his footsteps inside the old building. It could be considered nothing more than a shack, its state definable as overlooked, mistreated, ignored and rotten. There was a reek of decay and death in the air, something that wasn’t very pleasant for his keen and acute senses. The purposes of this building were completely unknown to him but the first and most accurate deduction he made was that it had been used to kill, to slaughter mercilessly as if the victims were nothing more than expendable things. The victims, as he could guess, had been human… but that stench also revealed a clue he could not quite put his finger on… yet.
[My version] Wesker walked inside the old building, the faint buzz of the fluorescent lights above him, and the echo of his footsteps inside the only sounds disturbing the silence. There was a reek of decay and death in the air, quite unpleasant to his acute senses. The purposes of this building were unknown to him, but he knew it had been used to kill; the victims had been human… but that stench also revealed a clue he could not quite put his finger on… yet.
Okay, see how much I took out? And what difference it made? R.U.E. Resist the urge to explain. Don't beat us over the head with details upon details that say the same thing. I took out the entire sentence of the shack because the next sentence SHOWS us how this is a decaying place, negating the wordy TELLING of the first sentence. I also used Wesker's name asap. It's important to establish who's POV we are in at the beginning of the scene. It helps draw readers in.
Also, we are in Wesker's POV...taking out the references to “he could guess, the first and foremost deduction, the keen and acute (you only need one since they mean the same thing practically), the something that wasn't very pleasant”, etc., etc., tighten the POV and plant us firmly in Wesker's noggin.
Look at each description you have and see what you can trim.
What does this mean to me? He asked himself.
Treat thoughts like dialogue, lowercase h before speech verb. Though, technically you don't even need to say he asked himself. It's a style preference.
I notice you have the wrong grammar for dialogue tagging. So, simply follow this:
“Hey, stop touching that lamp. It bites,” he said. [comma and lowercase before speech verb]
“Hey, stop touching that lamp. It has cooties.” He crossed his arms and glared. [period and capital before ACTION verb]
And in the midst of sentence:
He stopped tagging the merchandise and said, “Hey, leave that lamp alone. It's an antique. You break it, you buy it!” [comma, then capital letter when beginning the dialogue]
“If this is some kind of test, I’ll let you know I’m not quite up for it.” He muttered under his breath, looking derisively at the creatures.
You are doing a limited third person POV. Technically, Wesker can't see his expression, his eyes. Then again, I'm a POV nazi, and get pretty anal with what's expected considering POV. Published authors abuse it all the time, so expecting POV done correctly is a lost cause.
Adverbs get no love from me. I cringe every time I have to use one because I think I could insert a stronger noun/verb. Use them once in a while and in dialogue. Most authors use “bloat adverbs”, adverbs that aren't needed. Those ly words lay there on top of your nouns and verbs, lazy and do nothing but tell, not show.
“I'd skip these pleasantries and get straight to the point.” Wesker remarked coolly, cutting bluntly through his comments.
“I don’t think I came here to waste time on pointless chit-chat.”
You could show cutting bluntly by em-dashing the line of dialogue the brown-haired man says to indicate an interruption by Wesker. (also, Homeric Epithets: the brown-haired man, the dainty elf, the sparkling fairy princess are one of my peeves. See my profile on why).
[my version] "Amazing, certainly, quite on the contrary to what I expected. They're marvelous—"
“Skip these pleasantries and get straight to the point.” Wesker said. “I didn't come here to waste time on pointless chit-chat.”
Okay, now I took all that “coolly, remarked, etc.,” out of there. What we have left is simple and effective dialogue that speaks for itself. No need to tack on a bunch of adjectives and adverbs to convey Wesker's tone. Also, listen to people when they talk. Even Wesker would use contractions, he would drop off words just as anyone would.
I.e., instead of saying the wordy and lackluster: “I think I will go to the store today, and buy some bread and butter.”
Casual: “Going to the store later, maybe I'll get some bread, butter.”
Formal: “I'm going to the market, perhaps some bread and butter would suit my lunch tomorrow.”
Moron: “Mom said pick up some stuff at the store, bread and butter...I think. Maybe she said milk and butter...biscuits and butter? Crap, where's my list?”
Three different ways of saying basically the same thing. Make your dialogue stand out with personality, diction. The “Drop Off Words” technique is a good one and one I use often. Just don't go crazy with it, lol.
And I think I'll leave you alone now. I gave you enough to chew on. That said, this story is quite good, and I'll be adding it to the Wesker C2.
I'm batting around some plotlines concerning Wesker myself, but what happens is nothing like you delineate here (which I'm grateful. I hate coming up with an original idea only to have to yanked from under me by someone else). You showed you researched a bit, took the time to plan out your plotline, and attempted to keep the characters IC. For your age, I'm impressed.
And don't get discouraged with my crits; use what advice I give here (if you want, it's always up to you) and put it to good use.
| Ultimolu chapter 3 . 1/24/2010
o-O Mommy. *hides*
No, really this was awesome. Really, really awesome.
| Divine Arion chapter 3 . 1/24/2010
Oh wow! This was really awesome! I loved your interpretation of this scene. And god, poor William! How terrible of Spencer to toy with his and his family's lives like that! I can't imagine the anger and frustration Albert felt towards Spencer, especially all that he's done to him. But atleast he finally got his revenge. I know I was satisfied with his demise after finding out what he did to Albert.
Well, this was another wonderful piece of writing you did, Chris! Keep up the awesome work! XD
| Chaed chapter 2 . 1/24/2010
Oh man, this was intense. First the epic fight between Alexander and Albert, I could see it all in my head, so very clearly. And then the journal entries (I loved the lating titles to each of them) and finally; the end.
That was wonderful. The entire last part starting from the asterix was like a piece of poetry. The use of words and phrases. If it wasn't so sad, I'd say it's outright beautiful.
I can't wait to see the alternate ending to this.
| Divine Arion chapter 2 . 1/16/2010
Goodness! This was such a beautifully written chapter! Do not feel bad about making Wesker emotional here, because even these events would melt the most darkest of hearts! Heck, even I was crying! What a terrible thing for a child to have to go through all for Spencer's sake in the end! Alexander got what he deserved for inflicting these acts on Albert. Its such a shame too because Albert seemed so happy as a child.
Seriously, this was outstanding, Chris! I'm very intrigued to see what you do about an alternate ending and if it involves Wesker reuniting with his sister at all.
| Chaed chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
I must say that this is the first story I read of this kind. I've read that file you're talking about too (it was indeed from 5) and I think you captured both characters quite perfectly.
I really liked Wesker's sudden frustration at one point, the lack of knowledge that suddenly left him with no shield to defend himself with.
Apart from that, I adored the ending scene of the first chapter. The quote after it was as if it was written solely for this story. Can't wait to read the next chapter and I'm very curious about the alternate ending. I've never read such a thing in a fanfiction before and I can't wait to see what you make of it.
| Resident Roach chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
I have say that this is really well writen and I'm very impressed, the detail was great, I'm really looking forward to reading the next chapter.
keep up the good work.
| Divine Arion chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
Wow! Really outstanding job on this, Chris! I've always been intrigued by Albert's past and the entire Wesker Children Project. It makes you wonder if Capcom will ever explore this avenue, but in the meantime, I'm really happy that you did. I actually thought it was interesting seeing how Albert reacted to these revelations. I can't blame him for feeling such hatred and anger after everything Alexander put him through.
Awesome as always! I can't wait to see what happens next! Update when you can! XD