|Reviews for Romance begins|
| deity.athena13 chapter 2 . 2/21
Please finish your story it's great!
| Guest chapter 2 . 12/17/2013
i love it
| Music yuki3 chapter 2 . 3/27/2010
yo its me again, now i am reading chapter 2, sorry i really like do this so that if i find a part misunderstood or whatsoever, i type it here before continue reading because i might forget hehee
okay first, i find it nothing when the principal said that its aoi responsibility about the summer ball. there should be like, a suspense, well its my comment xD
nothing its like very simple, the summer ball is your job, then aoi said ah okay then he replied, yes you may go, xD.
she should be like worried or something like that xD
wait, right aoi just got out from the principal? how did hiyuu like sat beside her xD
wahh very good idea in the ide in the prom thingy, the chocolate hhaha xD
well that's all it for now xD
| Music yuki3 chapter 1 . 3/27/2010
hi first of all i am yuki
first i will say some mispell words, don't worry, i use to to it a lot to xD.
1. when the part, daigo pass in the exam, he said "Even the strongest man like me need to past his Math test. He, he, he", it suppose to be pass not past okay_
(don't worry hehe xD i find the story cool * continuing reading*)
Well good idea of putting strawberry milk as an example xD for math ahahxD
URG SOME PARTS IS MAKING ME SMILE XD
well anyway, nice chapter 1, now i am transfering to chapter 2 haha xD
| Vitani chapter 2 . 3/6/2010
Hello again! I’m guessing this is not meant as a continuation of your first fic, since Tokyo is not in its post- Apocalypse state? It has a cute idea, although it would be a lot more interesting if you also broke off the “everyday life of high school student” melodrama with the Magami Five’s usual routine. You know, demon fighting?
I really did not care for the first chapter. You don’t seem to give Tatsuma much credit. He is in fact intelligent and intuitive, and actually gets high test scores, despite his constant nodding off in class. And unless you’re going for straight-up comedy, he isn’t that hard up on his strawberry milk that he wouldn’t focus on his studies, or beg for it as a prize. That was weird.
The prom concept was charming, but I would have focused a little more on Kyouichi asking out Anko, honestly. No one really likes that pairing, so it would be helpful to explore his reasoning a little more. Frankly, I think maybe Kyouichi might only attend a dance, with Anko no less, out of pity for her – maybe have it where no one else asked her out? Or she purposefully turned others away hoping for Kyouichi to offer? Don’t just assume he’d do it, for the heck of it.
Again, this story could benefit from some general cleaning up. Aside from the same technical problems your first story had, this one actually has a lot more spelling and punctuation mistakes. It feels quite rushed. In my opinion, I don’t like the over-use of dialogue; it reads more like a blunt script-format, which really isn’t entertaining to read. Dialogue is not your strong suit in this work, and you might want to consider polishing it a bit, and breaking it with fun narratives.
When you write descriptions, try not to focus so much on mundane things, such as Aoi putting on foundation and Tatsuma fixing his hair. They can read redundant and lack-luster, like reading: See Spot. See Spot Run. Imagine what Aoi’s perfume smells like, or how Tatsuma feels about having to wear his hair neat. Think of something thoughtful for both your audience, as well as your characters. Show us their passion, and tune us in to their thoughts!
Is this story complete? It has no closure, and feels as if it’s going nowhere. Make sure when you write, your plot has a concrete beginning and end, as those two things should always be present, even in a one-shot fiction. Perhaps if you make a outline for your story it will help you focus?
And this is just me being picky, but, please give the School Principle and Student-body vice president names. It gives your story an impersonal sensation saying Mr. Principle or Fellow Student all the time. These folks have names and personalities, too, don’t they?
| poplover chapter 1 . 2/12/2010
please add another chapter, it's very great and i luv the love teams. please continue in making stories for them