Reviews for Lady Lix and Her Bag of Tricks
LoveBadBoyVamps chapter 1 . 1/11/2010
that was absolutely one of the funniest ones ive read yet. wonderful writing. that was hilarious.
TwifanUK chapter 1 . 1/11/2010
Wow, aren't we a bunch filthy minded hoors! It was fuckhotawesome and hilarious! Loved every minute of reading.

"I wondered if vampire cum would show up under black light." - Hm often wondered the same myself...

The whole bit with her trying to clean the spooge off the carpet had me in sticthes. Pinch and lift. lmao.

"Who knew I liked it rough? Bella Swan, official hoor with her Double Wide. Hang on, double wide? I think not. Tight as a ducks arse, thankyouverymuch. I ain’t flapping in no wind!" - Hm I wonder who wrote that bit ;)

"Edward palmed himself and gave a few pumps before wrapping his fingers around the base and swinging it around in the air making voovm sounds." - I had the best mental image with that bit! lmfao!
KristenLynn chapter 1 . 1/11/2010
OK... so I just read this while at work, which was porbably a mistake since I'm supposed to be working on a presentation (which would definitley NOT make me laugh) and I don't have clean pair of panties with me... I should have known better. LOL

See... I am so jealous of your way(s) with words; the humor, the sex lingo, dialog. *sigh* I wish I could write shit like this.

:)

This also brings back memories of a trip to Seattle and a glass-blown dildo shop I happened to walk into by mistake...
TwiliteAddict chapter 1 . 1/11/2010
Well, ain't this a beautiful thing? And I thought only Hallmark sent the very best! Thanks for letting me join the heavy hitters in sending a get well message to Liz. And the literary skills amazed me: busy buzzing beaver buffer! Alliteration at its finest! A sexy, smutty work of art.
pixiekat7 chapter 1 . 1/11/2010
To my favorite Troupe of Trollops, this was, without a doubt bawdy, brilliant and sexy as hell!

Much love to you & our lovely, sweet, luscious Lady Lixy! MWAH!
slobber-monkey chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
LOVE IT GIRLS! It has all of my favorite things Edward, DIRTY Edward!, glass dildos, cleaning, DIRTY Edward CLEANING!, road-head, ROAD-SEX!, public sex acts, humor, and even some heels too!

"Holy hell, look! It's Ass Dildo! So, Bella, do ya’ take it in the button-hole?"-I think I may have actually had this conversation before…

“I wondered if vampire cum would show up under black light.”- I think we should hold ourselves a little experiment and find out, can I borrow Eddie and Jizz for a little bit?

“Edward? Sweetie pie, honey bunch, the one I love to munch?"-I usually call hubs ‘hunny bunny baby boo’ when I want something from him, but I think I might add ‘the one I love to munch’ to it next time

“And where did my bra go?”- you just can’t trust a vampire, they’re sneaky and fast!

“Bella, there is nothing proper about screwing you in the front seat of my car, while I’m driving I might add. I’m a nervous wreck. I want to lay you down, lick you from head to toe, and then make you scream my name. Now get in the car.”- YES PLEASE! Like I said in the beginning, I love me a dirty Edward!

“My brain spun on the thought of using some Febreeze and giving this place a proper vacuuming to make it smell fresh. I started making a mental list of supplies I would need”- Febreeze makes the world a better place, and don’t even get me started on the unnatural love I have for my vacuum, I’m a sick girl…

“Who knew I liked it rough? Bella Swan, official hoor with her Double Wide. Hang on, double wide? I think not. Tight as a ducks arse, thankyouverymuch. I ain’t flapping in no wind!”- LOLOLOLOL!

“Someone who can drive Edward Cullen wild with her mad oral skills.”- that’d be ME!

“I actually didn't give his question much thought, because what he did next inhibited my ability to speak. He wiped his dick with the sheet! With..The. .Sheet. Didn't I just remind him to use the wipes I had set up on the bed stand? I had just changed them today and now they were...soiled! Contaminated with cold, left over saliva and vampire spunk!”- In my house messy sex only happens in the shower or on Sat. and Tues. since those are sheet changing day. Tru fax!

“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him -and I didn't know how potent that part might be - that had potential to make my erotic, germ-free fantasies come true. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with frozen, glowing, nonporous glass dildos!”- Best re-working of a canon quote EVER!

"You want to cross swords with me, master Yoda?" Edward palmed himself and gave a few pumps before wrapping his fingers around the base and swinging it around in the air making voovm sounds.”- OMG! That is fricken hilarious! Which one of the ladies is responsible for this gem?

“Edward, in a pair of faded, worn jeans, scrubbing the kitchen floor on his hands and knees. Gah...” Gah indeed and UNG too, nice visual *sigh*

“I raised my head, pleased not only at the red flush all over my chest and neck, but the gleaming mirror in front of me. Vampires are so much more preferable to humans, for both the pleasures of the body and household chores: they knew just how to conjure multiple orgasms while they multitasked, and they brought a lot of sparkle to everything they did!”- I need to get me a vampire, a little help around the house and supernatural sex sounds AMAZING!

And my favorite line EVER- “Lord love a commando vamp!”- AFUCKINGMEN!

LIXY LOVES YOU GIRLS A LOT FOREVER AND EVER, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!
goldenmeadow chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
Well, fu-huck yes, I'm going to review this mighty, manly, manmade (or, er, W-O-M-A-N made little fine fic):

My grin got positively prodigious…m, rather like him.

Oh yes, yes, YES! Prodigious, m, how approptiate.

This made me grin so hard, Go Bella:

He was going to shit bricks.

Or have me committed.

Or fuck me senseless.

Hopefully just fuck me senseless.

Love This:

Wrapping my legs around his back, I felt him place his hands above my head for leverage before he fucked me like rock star.

Huge LAUGH:

We both giggled as we both looked at the splotch of love goo on the carpet. I wondered if vampire cum would show up under black light.

Pinching and rolling baby:

OK, liquid, not solid, here, nothing to pinch or lift, unless it was a body part, and that was how we got into the problem in the first place.

YUMMY:

His eternal bed head never ceased to stir up a maelstrom of sugared butterflies in my tummy. His sideburns, unruly and curling in disarray were a slightly darker shade of auburn, - the exact same color as his pubic hair -than the thick strands currently dancing liquidly away from his scalp. Bohemian. Living and breathing, whether a trick of my mind or not, they called to me, urging me to reach in and wind my fingers through like a kneading kitten.

Snort and sigh and titter:

It was enough for me as I rubbed over his prize fighting cock. Magically, his zipper came open, his chones and his pants were lowered to his thighs. His smugness knew no bounds.

Oh, well, when in Rome.

RAWR:

“Don’t worry baby,” I whispered in his ear, so low only he could hear it. “You’re the only seventeen year old I like to fuck.” I nibbled on his lower ear after I finished speaking, causing another growl to emanate from deep within.

Giggles galore:

Yep. So gonna get this. I tried to contain my inner fist pump and not bounce in my heels like Alice's psycho twin.

Ha ha ha!:

My inner goddess was squicking at the thought of many hands and whatever else that had graced the various surfaces. Pledge, lint-free cloth, Windex...

Of course this made laugh hard:

Who knew I liked it rough? Bella Swan, official hoor with her Double Wide. Hang on, double wide? I think not. Tight as a ducks arse, thankyouverymuch. I ain’t flapping in no wind!

Oh mah god! Too much funny:

I actually didn't give his question much thought, because what he did next inhibited my ability to speak. He wiped his dick with the sheet! With..The. .Sheet. Didn't I just remind him to use the wipes I had set up on the bed stand? I had just changed them today and now they were...soiled! Contaminated with cold, left over saliva and vampire spunk!

This never ceases to make me chortle:

Recovering, I quickly ran to the closet to pull out another set of white sheets. I loved white sheets - they were so bleachable!

Holding in the laughter, barely:

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him -and I didn't know how potent that part might be - that had potential to make my erotic, germ-free fantasies come true. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with frozen, glowing, nonporous glass dildos!

More sillies:

Snort! Did he just call my pussy a jewelry box? I liked the sound of that.

Just so fucking HOT:

His hands stilled mine and took it from me. He pushed the head past my lips again and I watched as his tongue darted out like a spear to lick his lips. Edward's mouth mimicked the movement of mine as he continued to plump the head of the toy in and out of my mouth. My lips curled up into a smile as a thought occurred to me. He was enjoying this far more than I ever could have imagined.

Coiling myself up on my knees to be flush with him, I moved closer and placed my hand on his, holding the dildo still for just a moment. I brought my face to his, grabbed the back of his head by his hair with my free hand, and held him in place as I rubbed the toy across both our lips, tonguing and tracing the raised hearts before sliding it just past his slick oral brim.

Panting:

I came in an onslaught of hail and storm. Edward replaced his finger with the tip of his well-oiled cock while I surfed the barrage. Slowly, oh so slowly he pressed forward allowing me to adjust to his size. Coming down, I let my legs fall open as far as they could to allow him more access. Edward was up on his knees and lifted my lower back enough to place a pillow underneath my ass cheeks. Being filled by my Pyrex jewel and his ceramic prick was incomparable as they moved in tandem together.

Oh my goodness, yes:

Normally, watching the play of muscles beneath his skin was erotic torture on its own, but with the scrub brush in one hand and the other bracing his weight off of the floor? Holy crow! There were no words.

Coppery hair moved gently against his head with each stroke of the brush. Shoulder muscle bunching and releasing. Tiny droplets of water ran invitingly down his arm to his long, slender fingers as he brought the freshly rinsed brush from the bucket to the floor.

LOVE IT:

“Oh, I’m so sorry. It seems that there’s a bit of lipstick on the board, Pat.” I cast my eyes at the bottle of Windex and roll of paper towels. “Maybe you can help Vanna get everything all polished again and compete for some fabulous prizes at the same time?” I poured out some ‘anti-bacterial gel’ on the washcloth and began to rub the tip of my dildo. I looked at him through my eyelashes as I stroked the smooth, clear glass.

And holy HELL! The final Wheel of Fortune made a most fortunate quicky slicky excited mess of me!:

“And that was two articles of clothing, correct?” My head thrashed in compliance, and I felt his jeans and boxer briefs slipping off him. He pushed me forward further, continuing to slick the faux cock in and out as his index finger danced along my aching clitoris. “Hm…what have we left?”

“Vowels, Pat.” I gasped as his fingers pinched quickly over and over at my swollen bundle of nerves.

“May I solve?” he crooned as he rested his throbbing shaft against my ass. The combined sensations of light pinching and smooth gliding made me gasp. “I’ll take that as a yes. Would the puzzle be: On my knees, in my ass? Hm?” I felt the Astroglide dripping all over my ass, running in rivulets between my cheeks and into my pert little entrance. His fingers worked the lube in generously, making sure I was very ready for him. As he slid his cold cock into my hot, lube-weeping ass, the dildo skated into my vagina more and more rapidly, and his knuckles grazed my clit in ever tightening circles, “I…think …I’ll have you on your kneeslater… arraag… Vanna!”

All the Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune talk was so win!

I seriously love all the sex, smut, silly and humor! Well done, ladies (I do use that term lightly) and all my LOVE to Liz!
EdwardsKitten chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
Fucking awesome! Couldn't get enough...much like 'hoor' Bella.
brandj chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
Liz…see how much we love you? I hope you enjoyed!

Now THAT was car sex done right!

Whoever used “Who knew I liked it rough?” is my hero!

The Ken Jennings nod had me LMAO!

“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him -and I didn't know how potent that part might be - that had potential to make my erotic, germ-free fantasies come true. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with frozen, glowing, nonporous glass dildos!” Perfect!

Well done ladie, well done!
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