|Reviews for Dämmerung|
| Guest chapter 3 . 1/17/2014
Dialogue is not written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, always "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence does contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello dumbbitch." farla grinned like an idiot, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned. Note that something is a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is not in any category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." or "Hi," she said "This is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." Also, remember that generally "said" is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, "stated" is no*** yada yada yada. this is what you call a review, you fuckking cunt?
what a piece of crap garbage story
| Sessalisk chapter 3 . 9/30/2012
Hm… So people can just become magical demigod beings without warning? No one comes down and bestows powers upon them? They don’t have to be born to magical castes? They don’t summon demons and make deals? Neat! (Sorry, my ignorance is probably really obvious right now.)
And oh! So it *was* a magic wolf/werewolf thing!
“’I - take it you know what's going on?’ he asked her.”
This is very nitpicky, but consider using an em dash (—) or a double hyphen (-) rather than a single hyphen when you’re interrupting speech or offsetting elements in a sentence. Hyphens are for justified text, prefixes, suffixes, denoting syllables, denoting spelling, joining compound modifiers, compound words, and very rarely, for breaking up a couple of related hyphenated words with “and”, “or”, or “to”. The double hyphen is a little less formal/more laid back than the em dash, but either one is fine. Mostly I see the double hyphen in games, forum posts and blogs, and I see em dashes in published literature. It’s obviously a very minor thing (and, imo, not even as bad as dropping diacritics), but something to keep in mind nonetheless.
“You're one of the true rulers of the world finally returned to solve everything.”
Should there be a comma after “world”? or is there a word missing? Something feels a little bit off about this sentence.
“The mark of a Forsaken.”
This is technically a sentence fragment, but I can understand why you’d want to separate that particular line for emphasis, in any case.
“He reached up to touch his forehead, feeling something warm underneath his fingers.”
Perhaps not the best way to word it, since, presumably, the warm thing would be his forehead. If there was an additional adjective like “unnaturally” or “slick” or even if you changed “warm” to “warmer than skin” or something, then that might work a bit better as a description.
“Before he could even wonder what she was doing, she tossed it to him, and somehow he caught it by the handle as easily as catching a ball.”
This is a really good way of showing that whatever happened to him gave him great reflexes and coordination, without actually spelling it out for the reader in a form of an infodump or something like that. The line makes a note of him reacting to her toss without thinking about it, and then explains the whole phenomenon with a “somehow”, which implies he doesn’t understand or expect to be able to catch the knife. It’s a small thing, but I like it.
“a golden circle with the top half filled set glowing on the center of his forehead.”
There should probably be a comma after “filled” and maybe the “set” shouldn’t be there, but I’m not sure.
“’Maybe no one knows I'm – ‘ He gestured helplessly toward his forehead. ‘- yet.’”
I brought up this specific bit of dialogue punctuation on your forum, so I doubt I need to reiterate the whole thing, but consider making a switcheroo.
“He'd probably be hunted down by in short order.”
There seems to be a noun missing after the “by”.
“How long could you survive as a demon? A year, or maybe a few if he was careful, stayed away from cities and kept his head down...”
Heh. That last thing probably wasn’t the best expression he could use, given that literally keeping his head down would give everyone a good look at his forehead. (I’m really just being silly here, ignore me.)
I think I’m getting a decent sense of what’s going on now, sort of. I’m obviously not as caught up on the mythology (or, hopefully, as irate o_O) as some of the other commenters, but nothing here is confusing me quite as much as the last chapter did.
The only thing that might be unclear is the reason why Winter Moon and Shout of the Dawn were so upset about the Contagion thing. Presumably, they’re not sociopaths (despite killing that Dragonblooded guy without being too bothered by it), so maybe they just don’t want to see a lot of innocent people suffer and die and want to help them. It doesn’t seem like they’re going along with Tsi just to humour him. Maybe they can also be affected by Contagion, too? Maybe it just causes trouble for them on a different level? Zombie armies? Annoying quarantines? I guess I’ll find out eventually, and I look forward to it!
| Sessalisk chapter 2 . 9/30/2012
Hm… I’m not sure exactly what’s going on with Tsi, but I have a feeling that’ll become clearer in later chapters. Is he a demon? I’m definitely intrigued, in any case!
As for criticisms, I think the biggest issue here would be the intro and how it cuts to an ordinary scene mid-chapter. The fact that the backstory and the narrative about Tsi are in the same chapter makes me think that the two segments are related on a more intimate level than simply sharing the same setting. i.e. is this being read off a plaque or out of a book? Is there a storyteller narrating all these things? Is this a dream? Is Tsi thinking about it? However, the history/backstory isn’t given any context within the scene that follows it, so the two things seem rather disjointed instead. In the way it’s been presented, it almost feels like a prologue being given after the story’s already started. Nothing objectively wrong with this, of course, but I did find it a bit jarring and a little confusing.
The other big thing is pronouns. Once we get to scenes where Tsi and the Dragonblooded are constantly interacting with each other, things start to get really confusing. I made note of where all the worst instances were. I know some people shy away from proper nouns, but they really only make sentences seem repetitive if the sentence structure varies very little. (“Jane went to the store. Jane bought Louis some cookies. Jane fell down a sewer after that. Jane didn’t like falling in holes.” versus “Jane went to the store to buy Louis some cookies. On the way back, however, Jane crashed her bike into a rock, and the collision sent her tumbling right into a sewer. Sadly, falling into holes was not exactly Jane’s idea of a good time, nor was getting covered in excrement.”)
Lorewise, for some reason I thought the Dragonblooded were immortal, or at least extremely powerful. It meant that I was actually surprised (in the sense of, “can they do that? is this allowed? am I missing something?”) when the wolf killed that Dragonblooded soldier guy. Getting mauled to death by an unnamed animal is something you’d expect to happen to the lowliest of minions or side characters; it’s a very *mortal* way to die, like falling down a well or eating tainted meat. I suppose this could be the point, though, that they’re really not all that special, and they’re only a little stronger and a bit more durable than an ordinary human. And even in that case, I guess the wolf would have to be magic in some way as well. Leaping through the air and decapitating a human in a single bite is pretty impossible for an ordinary wolf, and people don’t use them as mounts either.
"We ruled Creation and all lived in perfect peace and harmony with all things, for all things knew their place in the world."
Maybe a comma after "Creation"? It follows with the "comma before coordinating conjunction separating independent clauses" rule.
“But though the stalking beasts tried to pervert the perfected hierarchy of the world with monstrous might, we were not beaten.”
The first clause is somewhat long and meandering. The sentence is saying, basically, “But though x, we were not y” and the wordiness of the first clause sort of breaks the flow of the whole thing.
Also, the first “But” is kind of superfluous. It doesn’t add any additional meaning to the sentence, but if the cadence is important then I could see that as an okay reason for it being there.
“These claimed themselves placed above humans”
This bit here is awkward. It’s nonstandard to refer to a group with the demonstrative, “these” and the personal pronoun, “them” in the same sentence.
“The false folk spoke with voices of bells and the tongues of sleek cats,”
Huh. That last thing is a rather odd metaphor. I can see what you were going for there, sorta. Cats aren’t really well-known for their linguistic abilities or pretty voices - more for being silent, agile, aloof, that sort of thing. Unless you mean that their tongues were covered in papillae and had strands of their own hair stuck in them, “sleek” is carrying the meaning here rather than the bit about cat tongues.
“So it was the first Anathema drew breath in the world.”
There’s something funny going on with this sentence. Maybe it’s missing a “who” after Anathema, or the “it was” isn’t supposed to be there, or there is something else weird going on.
“They had the tongues of cats and the might of sharks,”
I’m afraid that my extreme ignorance is showing here, but are these their actual qualities in the original medium? Having cat tongues and shark strength are really odd traits.
“So it was the Immaculate Dragons set the Dragonblooded as princes of the earth”
Is there a word missing here somewhere?
so too their champions
My first instinct is that there is a “did” missing between “too” and “their”, but I am not completely sure if this is the right thing to put there.
“Unable to see the path of righteousness they turned from it”
OWL says that certain introductory phrases (participial, infinitive, absolute, nonessential appositive phrases, and also prepositional phrases that exceed four words in length) need to be followed with commas. This one appears to be an infinitive phrase (that is, one beginning with an infinitive and containing objects or modifiers) and, thus, there should probably be one right after “righteousness”.
“And from them they made heroes”
“them” here is ambiguous. I’m not sure whether it refers to the humans or the pieces of essence given to the humans. Maybe this is the point? That they’re the same thing now?
“And for their service they were given the Mandate of Heaven, and made the world into a place of glory.”
I think you might need a “they” before the “made” there.
“It wore long butcher's gloves, flared wide enough that they covered the long sleeves of its long jacket all the way to the elbows.”
Are these butcher’s gloves an Exalted thing? Or a pre-industrialised era thing? I’m a butcher myself, and the only butcher’s gloves I’m familiar with are the little white latex ones that you use to prevent cross-contamination (and to also keep your hands clean), and the ones made out of steel mesh that you use to make sure you’re not accidentally cutting yourself. (We don’t even use the metal kind.)
Huh! I learned a new word today! Awesome!
“was etched into the front of the jade breastplate.”
Is this another setting thing? Jade doesn’t seem like a good material to make a breastplate out of, unless it’s purely ornamental.
“Tsi was not familiar with the intricate politics displayed by the skillfully drawn lion.”
This is nitpicky, but the word “displayed” combined with the way the sentence is phrased implies that the etched lion is espousing some political cause. While this could be the case, I think what you were intending is that the lion is representative of certain politics instead.
“His eyes were still at the Dragonblooded's feet. One stepped backward, the foot twisting to brace against the dirt. Thin, almost clear flames flared around them. In mesmerized horror, he tracked them upward inch by inch, until, barely aware of it, he took in the man's determined expression, yellow eyes fixed on the building beyond him and a terrible mass of flames gathering in one outstretched fist.
‘No!’ he shouted, lunging forward to grab the man's arm, heat flaring around him.”
This is where I got lost. I wasn’t sure exactly what was happening, what the significance of it all was, and, later on, why the Dragonblooded wanted to kill Tsi.
I did not understand what the flames meant in this setting, whether they’re indicative of a Demon, or an undesirable set of powers, or some other sort of magic. People are naturally upset by uncontrolled fire, but this one is clearly not an ordinary fire and Tsi seems to be the one responsible for them, or at least the one to blame.
Also, since both Tsi and the Dragonblooded are male, and the pronouns used here make things very confusing. (In dellaluce’s story, it won’t be long ‘til we’re found, she mentions that she deliberately wrote out a character because she wanted to avoid titles, and that having two male characters would have been confusing. I think this is a good thing to keep in mind if you’re writing a scene with two characters of the same gender. You might know who is doing what and to whom, but the reader will not.)
“In mesmerized horror, he tracked them upward inch by inch, until, barely aware of it, he took in the man's determined expression, yellow eyes fixed on the building beyond him and a terrible mass of flames gathering in one outstretched fist.”
It is unclear who is the subject here, Tsi or the Dragonblooded, and it remains so until the sentence refers to “the man”, who is most likely the Dragonblooded. Even then, it’s not actually a very good distinction, since Tsi is also a man. Tsi is given a name, however, and therefore it is less likely that the narrative would be referring to him as “the man”. As for the yellow eyes, that is also hard to attribute to either of them. Whenever you have a multiple-clause sentence, the implicit subject of all the dependent clauses is the independent clause. If there are several independent clauses separated by a discourse connective, then the dependent clauses are grouped with the independent clause on their side of the discourse connective. In the case of this sentence, the independent clause is “he tracked them upwards inch by inch”, but we do not know for sure who “he” is. If this is Tsi, then it would be Tsi’s yellow eyes fixed on the building. We also do not know who the “him” is, and can be taken to mean that either the subject is looking past the other person, or that the subject is looking beyond his own self. On top of that, we don’t know whose fist is gathering those flames.
It’s all very hard to parse, in other words.
“’No!’ he shouted, lunging forward to grab the man's arm, heat flaring around him.”
And there ar
| Sessalisk chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
Like I said before, I know next to nothing about Exalted, other than that it's apparently a tabletop RPG.
My first impressions of the lore:
I'm getting the sense that there's some creepyawesome necromancy and/or zombieism going on with the fish and the horse. The cat also seems to be more intelligent than an ordinary cat (estimating things, debating whether it should examine a dead fish, following the rider), but it's unclear whether it's to the point of the cat being sapient, or whether it's just a very smart cat with a purpose. I don't yet know whether the pale child is a necromancer, a dead spirit possessing a child's body, or just some creepy kid who associates with dead things, but I suppose that will be clearer in the next chapter.
Other things/questions born from my ignorance of the setting:
Why is the child riding a horse and not something smaller? The implication I'm getting is that the child is potentially a being who finds discomfort and pain meaningless or easily ignorable, something slightly inhuman.
Why would someone make such a useless fish zombie? It might just be that the fish is like an undead spycam, *or* it could be that the fish was not reanimated with a purpose in mind. It could be that some sort mindless force or energy brought the fish back to life, rather than a being. Or maybe the fish did it.
"Its thick fur was not the long pampered tresses of a rich noble's pet"
Nitty-gritty grammar and punctuation:
There is something slightly awkward about this metaphor. I think it's because fur is treated as singular, but the thing it's being compared to is plural. If this was a simile or some other kind of comparison, it would be a different case, but the fact that the word "was" is being used makes it feel like there's a bit of subject-verb disagreement going on. (Fur was tresses.)
"It kept one eye out for any motion, but none came and in time it had finished its paws and set off again."
I think you might need a comma before the "and", although I could be wrong. I'm going with the rules I found on Purdue OWL (ｈｔｔｐ：／／ｏｗｌ．ｅｎｇｌｉｓｈ．ｐｕｒｄｕｅ．ｅｄｕ／ｏｗｌ／ｒｅｓｏｕｒｃｅ／６０７／０２／), where you need to use commas to separate independent clauses that are joined by the coordinating conjunctions: and, but, for, or, nor, so, or yet. I often see published books that do not follow this rule, though, and people sometimes make fun of me for using too many commas. Potentially, it's a regional thing like whether you use double or single quotation marks for dialogue.
"clawlike thin ribs"
There should probably be a comma after "clawlike", too. (OWL says you need one there, but this might also be a regional thing.) The words "clawlike" and "thin" are coordinate adjectives, and should be separated with a comma.
All in all, it's got me interested so far, but this is a pretty short scene with not a ton to chew over yet. Onwards to chapter 2!
| We All Need A Nap chapter 1 . 9/5/2012
this was THE SINGLE WORST STORY I HAVE EVER READ IN MY WHOLE LIFE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING, PUTTING UP THIS HORRIDNESS FOR ALL TO SEE!? EWWW! MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT AT THE AWFULNESS!
| Morpheus2000 chapter 1 . 7/2/2012
It seems as if there is alot of focus on description, is it supposed to make up for lack of plot?
| Dark waffles chapter 2 . 1/13/2012
I read this storya and it's terrible why don't you just delete yourself? After all nobody likes you or your stories stop fameing people bully!
| Dark waffles chapter 1 . 1/13/2012
I read this storya and it's terrible why don't you just delete yourself? After all nobody likes you or your stories.
Think about it we are all on fanfiction enjoying each others stories together we don't need bullies like you on here.
You are waste of time and the sad thing is you really think that you are something Ha grow up.
| Makwa chapter 1 . 2/25/2011
I meant to review a while ago, but oh well, better late then never. I really liked the description in this chapter, the writing was very fluid. I could just see all the swamp's detail, and the same goes for the animated corpse of the horse.
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/22/2011
You think your so amazing flaming other peoples stories well they try to do their best and don't need you sending those reviews and also do you know what constructive criticism is...
| Soviet Dilbertman chapter 2 . 9/12/2010
This story is pathetic. You insulted other fics, and made others hurt and cry themselves to bed. Everyone tries their best at these, and we are proud of our fics. If you're still gonna flame others, I suggest get off the site now.
P.S. YOU'RE BLOCKED! YOU CAN'T FLAME MY STORIES! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
| MasterDAF chapter 2 . 6/30/2010
I really enjoy exalted, and as such I love reading stories people have written about it. I'll tell you right now, I think you have something good going on in your story, and I can see you must have been a big fan of exalted to take the time to write such a story. I respect that.
What I absolutely can't respect however are flamers. When a person writes a story and posts it here online to be read, they pray it will be read and reviewed. Only through constructive criticism can a persons writing improve. I am happy to say I upload stories now and then, and nothing makes me happier than to check my email and see someone reviewed a story of mine and not only enjoyed it, but had advise on how it could be even better.
It is not a requirement to be a good writer in order to post on this site. That fact that for a large number of exalted fics you have done nothing but flame and degrade the authors and their stories disgusts me. I won't sink to that level, as you have already seen from my critic, but I will let you know that you need to get over this flaming problem of yours. It is not becoming of an author to insult others' work, especially when some of them are writing just as well as, if not beyond, you.
This is not intended as an insult, so you take it as you see fit. Nor, by saying this, am I attempting to exalt my own stories up onto a higher ledge than yours. I am simply pointing out a lesson that I feel you could profit from, if you heed it. Those who act callously towards others will find it coming back to bite them later on.
Once again, I do give you kudos for a well written story, and I encourage you to review others' stories, including mine, as long as you keep an eye towards helping others to grow through your reviews. Remember, the world is filled with more than enough flamers as it is. Instead of contributing to the problem, help be the solution. Good luck, and may the force be with you. :)
| neoshipfics chapter 1 . 4/27/2010
K this story is pathetic. Who the hell are you to insult me when your writing is a load of crap in itself?
| so-they-say chapter 1 . 4/15/2010
To be honest, after you gave me a review, I was very curious as to what your writing style would be like...and I think it's okay. Your attention to detail is amazing.
If I could pick any flaw with this story, it'd have to be the amount of times you used the phrase "white cat". Sure, it doesn't have a name yet, but why keep repeating 'white'? You said it 7 times. That was a bit of overkill.
"Few observers would spared it a second glance."
I think that's supposed to be 'spare'.
| Whateva chapter 2 . 4/15/2010
Well well well.. if it isn't the 'flamer'! You aren't as good as I imagined- flaming everyone's stories like that o.O... And what's with the story? Dude, if you want to write a story, you need to make the words simple but crisp- so that everyone can imagine it! And half the words in the story are too complicated! I need a dictionary in my hand if I want to understand it! Make a better job in your stories before you insult anyone else!