Reviews for No Way In Hell
Guest chapter 3 . 9/17
Feet first, do the ODSTs come from Konoha? If so why did the UNSC need Spartans if they had a factory that produces battlemages in job lots?
whattheDalek chapter 13 . 8/9
That punchline was the icing on this glorious cake. I am so satisfied
CrimsonRasengan chapter 13 . 5/27
two words. fucking. hilarious.
TheNile chapter 13 . 2/20
Sasuke: I reject your reality and substitute my own.
you shall not know my name chapter 13 . 9/26/2022
This was so great!
Alisha chapter 12 . 8/27/2022
Wow this is HILARIOUS!
liam90 chapter 5 . 8/13/2022
All hail Naruto-Sama - The cult of our lord and savior Ramen-Sama
Great Destroyer Hurricane chapter 13 . 8/7/2022
The funniest book ever!
leonardmosca08 chapter 6 . 8/5/2022
Now, it was the Chunin Exam and he had a larger pool of neutral and ideally completely objective subjects to poll in regards to the matter of Naruto's paternity. Noting that all of the attention on the room was centered on himself as well as the rest of the rookie Genin from their year shortly after entering the room in which the first phase of the Exams was to take place, he decided that now was a good time as any to ask his question.

"Attention Everyone! I have a question. Does my teammate Uzumaki Naruto resemble the Fourth Hokage? Yes or No?" he yelled as he pointed to the whiskered blond idiot.

The result was a brief silence as the room as a whole examined the subject of his inquiry before total pandemonium broke out.

When Ibiki and the proctors arrived to give the first test of the Chunin Exams, it was to the sight of the candidates from Iwa and the candidates from Kiri jumping out of the windows to shouts of "Holy Shit! The Yellow Flash Reproduced!" and "Run for your lives! It's an Uzumaki!" respectively. The candidates from Kumo were all gathered around Konoha's resident Jinchurriki, bowing and calling him "Uzumaki-Sama".

He didn't even want to know. Seriously, when it came to the Uzumaki, you were better off not knowing.

From his spot near the front of the room, Orochimaru sighed. Kabuto was looking at him, obviously searching for answers, answers that he didn't have as he had stopped searching long before the Uzumaki boy's mother had died. There were some things out there that man - even men obsessed with knowing everything about everything - wasn't meant to know. The Uzumaki had always been weird like that, which made their alliance and reputed relation to the rather straitlaced Senju rather odd.

He did the only thing he could think of in this situation, which was to give the boy a "Fuck if I know" shrug and attempted to repress the events of the last several minutes before the massive headache started like the one he'd gotten after that time Kushina had...Damn, he'd thought he'd repressed that. Of course, then again, repressing Kushina's entire existence as he had been doing for the last twelve years was an exercise in futility at the best of times. If only she hadn't become so obsessed with him after she'd decided she loved him and she hated him at the same time...Despite that they should have been preparing like mad for the next phase of the Exams, Team 7 had met up with their Sensei shortly after the written portion of the exams was over. Suffice to say that after the departure of the entire Kiri and Iwa delegations who had only come due to a great deal of political wrangling on the Hokage's part, only twelve teams made it through and that was only due to Naruto's rather timely or untimely but completely unintended encouragement.

When they came together, Naruto and Sakura eagerly greeted Kakashi, still high on their victory, while Sasuke held back, instinctively knowing what was coming next.

"Kakashi-Sensei! Kakashi-Sensei! We made it through the first test!" Naruto yelled eagerly as he happily bounced around his teacher.

"The people from Kiri and Iwa jumped out of the windows to get away from Naruto, and the guys from Kumo were acting really weird during the test." Sakura said after their teacher congratulated them, passing on what she saw as the most interesting bit of news to come out of the exam.

"Weird how?" Kakashi asked, suddenly appearing more alert than his usual "lazy" self.

"They called Naruto Uzumaki-Sama and were bowing. One of them even offered to sharpen his pencil for him, and I could almost swear I saw another steal it after the test was over." Sakura replied.

"Ah, that." Kakashi said relaxing as soon as he realized that his student wasn't under immediate threat, and would likely have an easier time of it during the second phase of the Exams since the most worrying group had chosen to flee rather than fight.

"What was that about, anyways?" Naruto asked, looking puzzled.

"Officially, Kumo abducted one Uzumaki Kushina who was later rescued by one Namikaze Minato who followed a trail of her hair that she had left behind. Unofficially, Kushina got tired of waiting to be rescued, and the followers of Jashin ended up elevating her to sainthood after the "Incident" which followed despite her not following their religion. Rumor has it that she forced the Yondaime Raikage to eat his own spleen just before Minato-Sensei arrived and rescued him. When asked "Why the spleen?" she is rumored to have stated that she'd failed anatomy and grabbed the first thing she found, hoping it was the liver." Kakashi replied.

Sasuke curled up into an even tighter ball in his hiding space after he'd overheard his sensei's story. How the hell did the son of all that end up so freaking normal, and the Dead Last no less? Oh wait, he'd decided that Naruto wasn't the offspring of the Fourth Hokage. For the sake of his sanity, he was going to chose to believe the official story that Kakashi had mentioned. The Yondaime had clearly rescued the helpless Uzumaki Kushina whom he had never ever had sex with. As for how Naruto was conceived...Kushina had probably asexually reproduced or something. lol
Maki-P chapter 13 . 4/25/2022
Since there's no updates since 2017 I assume you are no longer with us; but man this is why I love your stories; they are either completely stupid, like this one, or weird as fuck.
Thank you so much for your great work
trichonz chapter 13 . 4/13/2022
That was a funny story
engel17white chapter 9 . 2/6/2022
falto la escena del sasuke bebe viendo a kushina embarazada
Chuckling-Ghost chapter 13 . 11/3/2021
Oh my god, I haven't laughed this much and this hard in a WHILE. This is hilarious, thank you very much for writing this absolute gem of a funny.
Note17092 chapter 1 . 10/3/2021
This story always makes me laugh every time I read it.
KageForce chapter 12 . 8/19/2021
This is so f-ing stupid and I absolutely love it! Great job!
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