|Reviews for The Hero and the Wolf|
| Shiny Silver Eevee chapter 2 . 5/22
The Mary Sue meter is going higher and higher...
| Shiny Silver Eevee chapter 1 . 5/22
Your summary alone gives me the fact your OC is a Mary Sue.
| Guest number 7 chapter 6 . 2/11
Okay, link repeatedly staring at Fao's chest and blushing but not realizing he likes her? Not buying it. But honestly, that's the least of this fic's problems. In this particular chapter, if Fao has really been starved and stabbed repeatedly, she would not have huge titties. Have you ever seen someone emaciated? I would say they look more like holocaust victims than skinny chicks with huge racks. Boobs are fat, and if you don't have much excess of it, your body will eat that up right quick just to keep you alive. Second, link is being really creepy ogling a severely injured woman that he barely knows and who has been nearly raped on at least two occasions. Third, *cough* Mary Sue *cough*. Other things of note: Wolves are not suitable to keep as pets. A dog who is even part wolf is a b to train, pun intended, and will probably maul you at some point down the road. Fao's parents are hilariously over the top, nonsensical mad scientists, and nothing they do is connected to how real science is done. Not even close. The abuse is laughable because it's so unrealistic and clearly just meant for us to sympathize with an otherwise weak, whiny, spoilt little girl, who by the way, doesn't ask nearly enough questions about where she is or how she got there. I'm almost more interested to find out how she got a tardis in her bra, when by all accounts she should be dead from at least lack of food at this point.
| SOW chapter 1 . 11/30/2013
Woah, dudette. Slow down. Your going waay too fast, lass. We can't care if you don't show us. Description. Okay, so the third POV is okay. Most authors say the name of the person, or whatever, but this works too. Also, her folks don't seem very smart. I know this is finished and stuff, dudette, but, like, slow down. Yeah.
| Echoing Wolf chapter 12 . 9/26/2013
I love your story it was great! I would reread it again and again.
| Echoing Wolf chapter 2 . 9/26/2013
This is great but I feel bad for Faloan. She almost got raped. But it's great so fast :D
| everything105 chapter 11 . 7/31/2013
I LOVE THIS STORY HOPE THERE IS A SEQUEL!
| SmazzyNinja chapter 3 . 6/22/2013
I don't like it :I
A for effort
| Wolfie chapter 1 . 5/5/2013
I'm not sure you'll see this... but I think your story so far is great! I loved everything about it; however, I have a slight problem.
You've read Wolves of the Beyond, haven't you?
You know, Faolan, the MALE gnaw wolf. I've got NO problem with this, I just like it if you keep original. At one point my username for most things was 'Faolan'.
Keep it original and keep it up!
| ShayNanigans chapter 11 . 1/1/2011
Scarlet Magpie and I recently just finished a dramatic reading of this, not even dramatic reading, more like... Anyways.
Scratch what Scarlet Magpie said about potential, this story is so bad, it raped Scarlet's soul. I'm sorry but you are a sue-writer and close to our age, me being 16 and Scarlet being 15. You write terribly, having terrible grammar. HOWEVER! There is only one fan fiction worse than yours, and it's called My Inner Life.
That emerald crystal was either made of rock candy or made of cardboard. There is not physical way that WOLF CLAWS could break or chip crystal, maybe scratch but be extremely painful for them, unless the claws were as hard as diamond. Which is mary-sue.
Don't get me wrong, there's worser mary-sues out there, but your story is so terrible, we have suggested this story to have its own page on ecyclopedia dramatica. Which also has My Immortal, the world's WORST fan fiction on it. However, it was possibly a troll fic and not an actual one.
I'm sorry if this sounds rude but this story honestly had nothing good on it except that it had no lemons scenes, which I thank you for it. Also, do your research on wolves. They cannot have green eyes or whatever, or have black/silvery blue fur. They can have black fur, grey fur, mottle of grey and brown, white or tan. But never blue. Also, wolves don't have glowing eyes nor does having pointed ears give you enhanced earing. Your ears, since you have 2 pairs, would not be able to hear except from your pointed human ears. Those wolf ears aren't attached to any ear drums to allow you to hear.
I'm a major grammar nerd and science nerd, my best friend Scarlet Magpie doesn't follow that as strictly as I do, but she does understand the importance of following the basic rules of physics and logic. The fact that Faolan can fight first time, kick GANONdorf's anus, then say she didn't know how to fight is instantly mary-sue.
You obviously don't know abused people. I know a few people who have been abused, they are nothing like what you said. If her parents abused, how did she get the iPod, how did she end up to parties and how did she learn to fight. Most importantly, how the hell did she get a pet wolf? Pet wolves are terrible pets, even half wolf/half dog, are hard to train. They learn by sight and physical command. For example: A wolf pet, if you lock it in a kennel and the wolf sees you locking, it will learn how to unlock it and escape by itself.
Powers... Not even going to go there. That is how terrible it was. Don't get me wrong, it's not powers or whatever that make a mary-sue. It's the logic in it. To get powers, then master them instantly is impossible unless you are a deity. Another thing, bending? Since when does Legend of Zelda have benders or whatever in it? The closest thing you have to bending is from wizards, mages, witches, sorcerers, etc.
One last thing. OOCness and... What is up with her bra? Does she have like magical bra pouches or does she have an... I can't go on... Moving on to the OOCness. Even though Link doesn't talk, he is still a good character from what we know through the games. Same with Ganondorf, that guy is one badass villain. The rape and getting her killed thing? And the fact that she was a bitch. Also, Link seemed like a pervert in this story. Another fact is that Link, who has many females who are passionate towards him, accept the fact that he is with another is instant mary-sue. Ruto would have been enraged by this, though she was not in the fan fiction thank god. And THANK YOU! for not putting that annoying glowing orb known as Navi. I would pulverize her and make freshly squeezed fairy juice a lemon on the side.
This is not a flame or trolls, this is actual constructive criticism. Don't except all critiques to be friendly and kind. Most real criticism is harsh, yes, but they help burst egos to allow improvement.
| ShayNanigans chapter 6 . 10/23/2010
Okay, I'm going to be honest and that I didn't get past this chapter. It's not the worst fanfic I've read and you do have some potential as a writer but you really need to work on character development. That was my biggest thing about this story.
First, Faolan is a mary-sue, I'm sorry. She has a tragic back story and while I'm not saying that's not allowed but the way you right her makes it unrealistic.
Most abusive victims don't even tell their closest friends that their parents abuse them yet Faolan tells a guy she just meet a couple of hours ago. And children who have been physically are cautious to new people because they don't if they'll hurt them or not. Also, if her parents abused her, why would they buy her a $400 I-Pod and a cellphone? If she stole them, I would understand if she stole it or something. And if she bought it with her own money, how did she get the money? Everyone sympathizes with her, which is understandable, but she just tells them and treats it like a rant. A rant is more if someone did something to piss you off and you're annoyed by it. I don't think abuse should be treated like it's a rant.
Also, she would feel the pain if she started to grow a wolf tail and ears. A tail has bones so bones from the tail would grow out from her tailbone and rip the skin so she would be in quite a lot of pain.
Wolves also don't make good pets too. Not even half wolf breeds. And if her parents are abusive, I doubt they would give her a wild,vicious pet that's hard to tame. I'd understand if she befriended it when they were really young but the wolf would still live in the wild. Having an exotic pet like a wolf or a tiger is mary-sueish unless your character was an excellent animal trainer and they tamed it young.
I find it weird that she doesn't question that she's in another time period/dimension or asking where she is. Also, I think the other characters in Zelda would question her clothing since there are no jeans or hoodies in Zelda.
The thing that made stop reading this story is when the Goddesses came when she was about to time. It just screams Mary-sue. It wasn't even about the fourth one because at least you explained why. It was that fact that the Goddesses came and gave her all these powers and said that she was ruler of the fourth triforce. I understand the morphing into a wolf because she has wolf blood but everything else...no just no. Also, if you do give her powers, don't make her master them really quickly. She should struggle with her new powers for a while, like maybe months to years.
You also tend to rush things. After three chapters, she gets kidnapped, almost raped and her and Link fall in love. I'd understand if you didn't want to make your fanfic too long but it's better then rushing. Let them get to know each other and show slight feeling for love or maybe a indication of a small crush in the middle of the story, not the beginning.
Also, for grammar and spelling wise, yours is not too bad. However, quotation marks are used to indicate when someone is saying something, not apostrophes. And when typing 'I' in a sentence, it's always capitalized even if it's not in the begging of a sentence because your indicating someone. Also, don't switch to 3rd person to first person POV. Just stick to one.
Don't feel insulted by this review. It's how I write almost all my reviews. You have promise as a writer, whether as a career or just doing this for fun, but you need to tweak some stuff to make it better, even if it means rewriting something.
Good day and I hope you continue to improve on your writing.
~ Scarlet Magpie ~
| freakyvampirecatgirl chapter 6 . 10/3/2010
Hmmmm...the Doctor is SO not Doctor Carlile Cullen, right?
| yup mary sue all right chapter 1 . 5/22/2010
I don't usually read fanfiction, but found this through a dramatic reading someone's doing on Youtube. You should check it out, it's funny as hell. XD
| Arachne Acantha chapter 6 . 5/20/2010
HA! what a funny thing to notice link...
personally, I would have liked this chapter more from Link's perspective instead of 3rd person, but I still like it. You captured the individual emotions very well
| BigBossofMoss chapter 9 . 5/4/2010
Eh, so-so chapter...not much to say