|Reviews for Shi No Numa|
| Lordriochi chapter 1 . 9/6/2013
I would say that this story needs more work. It has a good concept of seeing the group working together, but it feels really jarring to see so many punctuation mistakes. Some of the dialogue could be tweaked, but otherwise, you did an alright job on a Nazi Zombies story.
| Purple Rookie chapter 1 . 5/20/2011
All right... this was all right as a piece. There's a number of small issues, though, and they really add up by the end of the story.
Punctuation- a real biggie. There's a bunch of errors here and there throughout the whole thing. You've got apostrophes where they don't belong (i.e. Torn off' heads), capitalizations in the middle of sentences where they don't belong (you do this with Zombies in particular- they're like 'humans'- they're just nouns, not names), and fragmented sentences.
For example: 'In the top floor, there was an M1 Grand, in the warning room. And in the other an Arisaka, and a Gewehr 43.'
This could be rewritten as: 'On the top floor, there was an M1 Garand in the warning room. In the other room rested an Arisaka and a Gewehr 43.'
It's a bunch of tiny things that all start adding up.
Consistency is also a bit of an issue- sometimes you make an accent appear, but sometimes it doesn't show up (an example is Richtofen swapping out his 'th' for a 'z', or his 'w' and 'v'). A tip- go through the work once or twice when you're done. You'll always catch errors that way.
Presentation issues- dividing this up between points of view would b very helpful, and there's a tool on the site's text editor (available when you've submitted a piece as a document) that allows you to do just that. What's more, chaptering this would have been helpful, because this chapter was REALLY LONG. Chapters or dividers give readers a brief moment to take a breather, so they don't have to sustain the constant emotional pace throughout the entire story (they're also a really good way to tell readers 'this is a good place to go get a snack before you start reading again')
And... atmosphere. I know this is supposed to be a horror piece, but it doesn't really scream 'scary' to me. It's more like a zombie action fic than a zombie horror fic. If you want to make it scarier, focus less on the fighting and conversation and more on what else is going on- build up a good background. Suspense is always good- silence and lack of movement before the zombies come swarming in. Describe what the characters see and feel, as opposed to what's there- if the characters are scared, the audience is more likely to be scared, but if they're just angry, then the audience knows there's nothing to be afraid of. Also effective is slipping in mistakes- things people do when they're under intense pressure (like these guys). Maybe the ammo clip slips from Dempsey's hand, maybe Richtofen trips while running, and the zombies ALMOST get them, but don't. Throw in a couple of these (no need to overdo it), and you'll get the audience going, because otherwise, why should they be afraid? If the protagonists can kill everything in their way with no close shaves (especially with uber-weapons like Mr. Wunderwaffe near the end), then what have they to fear?
For instance, the introduction of the hellhounds at the end was somewhat disappointing- you could have had a fight with the beast and actually let the four guys down it. And then, just when they (and the audience) think they're safe, you can have more howling as more hounds enter.
This needs a bit of work, but there was obviously much more effort put into this thing than some others I've seen out there, so that's a start.
| Nic Coay chapter 1 . 3/16/2011
You know, I think this is my favorite of yours. You just really did a great job with the characters. These crazy guys are pretty unique and funny and you got each one perfectly. I think this could be my favorite version of Richtofen so far, which is saying a lot. The whole story was just really great, had a lot of good drama, and read easily. It was liking playing the game, really, but with more character development. Loved it. Even the cliffhanger ending didn't bother me as much as it usually does. )
| Vault08 chapter 1 . 1/24/2010
This was good. I liked how the dialogue/violence matched that of the game. One thing though, Dempsey is like in his 30's, not 'in his late teens' as the story mentioned.
Other than that, good job. You should do a Der Riese sequel or a Verruckt prequel.