|Reviews for Shades to Darkness|
| snowstripe482 chapter 2 . 9/29/2013
Best story ever!
| Hersheys chapter 2 . 7/13/2011
the dove is obviously God.
| Mlle Nightingale chapter 2 . 3/2/2010
Heheh... I luffers how you write so formally in da story and just normally in the A/N's... XD. And I'm going a tad loose now too... but still grammar Nazi-ish XD. PLEASE DON'T GET MAD AT MOI!
'In every rise, there is fall.' This is sorta my opinion only-ish, but shouldn't there be an 'a' after 'is?'
'Fact: The darkness is near.**' Once again, are you using present or past tense? Stick to one and just use that one! *ish SLIGHTLY annoyed...* *cough*
'NO STOP NO!' Formally, and since you wrote it formally-ish, I'm saying this, you're not really supposed to have multiple repeating punctuation marks... like no ?'s or !'s or ?'s. But that's just formally... I just think your writing's really formal... ish.
'It covers me, sinks into my pores.' ERRM... slightly awkward in my opinion. Do cats know what pores are?
'I remembered waking up, gasping.' And NOW it's past tense... when it should be present! 'Cuz it's Shade narrating in present tense but telling the story in past... if my ramblings make sense... *headdesk*.
Nothing wrong with this, it just made me laugh out loud: 'I blinked at her, and she meowed in exasperation, "no Shade, I'm not lesbian either." I knew she was right this time, and that fed my anger.' LOLZ! And yeah, I used multiple exclamation marks. This isn't formal writing. Ish.
'His deep sun-colored eyes scanned me with love and grief at the same time.' Comma after deep.
'"You know me," he said simply. "I am the voice in your head urging you to turn around, the whisperer of reason and love. I know everything. I know you too. I see, hear, and taste everything."' Frankly, I get confused with this grammar rule. But I think there should be a comma and not a period after simply?
'I saw his face blur, and the painful light was fading.' Remember parallel structure. So it should be 'I saw his face blur and the painful light fade' OR '[H]is face was blurring and the painful light was fading.'
'I felt perfectly at ease at the darkest time of the day; they were my whisperers.' This sentence doesn't really make sense, for me anyways.
'It was disturbing to see myself this way- cool, caculating, and scars etched in my dark pelt.' CaLculating. Typo.
'The black she-cat was equally surprise, her dark blue eyes widening.' Two errors. 'The black she-cat was equally surpriseD, AND her dark blue eyes widenED.'
'Chrysi dissapeared quicker than water between claws, taking the love and warmth with her.' You missed a p and put an extra s in 'disappeared.'
Also, I might be a bit annoying saying this, but I don't think it's possible for a cat to have violet eyes. Not that that's anything BAD, but just saying.
'Don't you understand? I wanted to yell. Nobody can help me anymore.' Once again... that grammar rule that confuzzles me. I think there should be a comma and not a period after yell?
'I yelped outloud.' Typo. You forgot a space.
'They were all heading towards a shining light (why is there always a shining light?).' I'm sorry, but that sorta ruins the momentum of the passage. I'm talking about the part in brackets.
'If find her, she can wash away everything.' Do you mean '[I]f I find her?'
'She alone can save me.' Improper tense, once again. 'She alone COULD save me.'
And same thing, 'Can it really be her?' 'COULD it really be her?'
'I noticed a flame colored tom following close behind her, his green eyes wary.' Put a dash for flame-coloured. And the u is 'cuz I'm Canadian. So just ignore that; it's just my spelling habits.
'"Well, guess what?" You're just going to have to pack up and move out because you're in THunderClan terriory, of you don't mind," she mewed in a high-pitched voice. I stare at her, my eyes widening.' So... I'll just retyped that. '"Well, guess what? (You put an extra quotation mark here.) You're just going to have to pack up and move out because you're in ThunderClan (the h was capitalized by accident) territory (the second t was missing), if (you put of... typo) you don't mind," she mewed in a high-pitched voice. I stared (wrong tense... sorry but this is beginning to irk me) at her, my eyes widening.
Not believing her impudence and rudeness.' You pressed enter by accident, I'm guessing.
'There is, I tried to kid myself. She's there.' Once again, the comma-not-period thing. If I see that again, I'm frankly gonna go nuts! (Mebbe I'll abbreviate it as CNP.)
'I back away in confusion.' Wrong tense. *hisses*
'Had she suddenly remembered why she was put on earth for?' I think the why should be a what; that would sound more fluent.
'"What is the little piece of fox dung doing?"' So... foxdung, fox-dung, and fox dung.
'"I may be worthless to you, but you're the one stuck with a face like foxdung," she meowed back.' Foxdung, fox-dung, and fox dung, once again. *gets a headache*
'I watched as her face quickly changed from acceptance to horror then sickening realization.' Add a comma somewhere or something... I'm getting *yawn* a bit tired now... sorry... *has headache*
'Someone who can soothe me, bathe me in their light while melting away the wrongdoings of my history.' Wrong tense with the can... AGAIN! URGNESS! : : : :( :( :(
Anyways... GREAT STORY! *ish jealous :'( ;( *
| Mlle Nightingale chapter 1 . 3/2/2010
So... yeah, I'm being a grammar Nazi, but you said you wanted honest criticism, didn't you? Well, I'm just picky with little typos XD.
At the beginning of chapter one, it says 'She shares you spirit.' Your.
Also... 'I could tell me didn't expect me to attack so soon.' HUH?
And 'beated me until the world was black to me.' Beated isn't a word and... too many mes? [I'm probably going to stop with the 'ands,' 'alsos,' and 'sos' at the beginning of these comments.]
I'm not too sure about this one but I think foxdung is actually spelled fox-dung. By Erin Hunter anyways. ('"You know what they will treat us, Shade! Traitors, backstabbers, foxdung!"')
'Then lowering his voice dramatically, Dale mewed, "I saw them."' You missed a comma after the '[T]hen.'
'["]... I hear they sharpen their claws on old bones and kipnap kits too young to remember where thye came from to be members." Kipnap... thye... and that sentence is a tad confusing.
'Do not make me, or I shall tell no more.' Do you mean 'do not make me, and I shall tell no more?' Because if you MADE him, then... yeah. That sorta... confuzzled me. And I do realize confuzzle isn't a word. And I don't care.
Err... I might be being a tad TOO exact but... 'Her last words were swallowed as my paw thwacked her jaw, snapping her head backwards.' Thwack... it just doesn't really go along with the overall mood of the story.
These two phrases don't REALLY seem to go together well as a sentence: 'A bruise was forming at where I hit her, and she was too stunned to do anything.' And. And. That's just the word that's confuzzling me.
'She had tried to defend herself, but the on scratches on my pelt were small ones.' You mean 'the scratches on my pelt were small ones,' right?
'"...bring me your kin, and that will be the last act of loyalty you must preform."' A simple typo on the 'preform.' Perform.
'I was shedding the cat I have become.' Wrong tenses... you used a past and a present.
'I blinked, and I saw that her blue eyes were understanding a warm.' And. Not a.
'The last one, who's name I forgotten, just flopped down on the ground, refusing to move.' 'Whose,' not 'who's.' Who's is if you were asking something like 'who's book is that?'
'What kind of father, was I?' You don't need that comma.
'I vaguely remember Dusk telling me their names, but I only knew Lilac and Pine's by listening to the kits chatter among themselves.' Once again, present and past tenses in that sentence... 'I vaguely rememberED...'
'She slinked out from behind a fallen Twoleg thing, her slender tabby form barely visible and her cool blue eyes glittering.' Slunk, not slinked.
And... that's my review-ish thingy for your first chapter... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! *is jealous*... you're a way better writer than me! - bad grammar right there... too many exclamation marks...
And just so you know, I just tend to be a bit of a grammar Nazi. Don't get fed up with me please!
| Rainshadow727 chapter 1 . 2/15/2010
| DonutMastr chapter 2 . 2/12/2010
THAT WAS, oops forgot to turn of caps, that was the most compelling story i've ever read
| Gingerstar14 chapter 1 . 2/4/2010
I need to gather my thoughts for a second- this was incredibly freaky and touching! I'm honored that you asked my opinion. Okay, I'll try not to turn this into a book, I know my reviews either turn out as one sentence or a paragraph.
The beginning prolouge type section was well written, it was confusing but you gradually understood it as you went on. I like how you went time frame by time frame chunks, revealing just a little at a time. Shade's feelings and thoughts are very dominent, something I sometimes struggle with when writing. I can not imagine what he's feeling, nor Menolly who he betrayed for Ranger.
| MrHyphen chapter 1 . 2/3/2010
Gosh darn it Blanc, why r u so god damn good. (take it as a complimant) Anyway, well written, i will have to buy ur brain one day, now, im too sick to look at my bank account ( which doesn't exist currently) so yeah. Anyway, good first chapter!
| nobody is here anymore lmao chapter 2 . 2/2/2010
Lengthy A/N there, I see. I liked that pretzel. ;o)it was very tasty! Tee hee hee. Okay. I'm serious now. That was very well written. I know who the dovecat was! I think... It was God wasn't it? I am currently finished Dusk, actually! But my 'puter's got a glitch and I need MAJOR editing before it is good enough for da site. I weelly wiked it, tank woo fo da guda stowy.
Your VERY loyal minion/friend,
| quickexit chapter 1 . 1/23/2010
"But don't you see, traveler?
There is nobody left for me."
Powerful line! 3 this in a weird way xD
| nobody is here anymore lmao chapter 1 . 1/23/2010
This is much better then what I've written, and they're my characters! That makes me feel bad, but I really like this so far.