|Reviews for Tire Tracks and Spent Casings|
| Dessel Ordo chapter 8 . 6/26/2012
Awesome chapter, really enjoyed it. It was really cool how tou had the pre-SWA flashbacks be a good thing for once. Cant wait for more, haha
| Dessel Ordo chapter 7 . 2/7/2012
A most excellent chapter. Really enjoyed it, and I cant wait for more.
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 2/3/2012
Title: Tire Tracks and Spent Casings
From the title alone, it gives me the impression this will be a light-hearted, yet high-action piece.
Summary: Section 2 Cyborgs generally don't know how to drive, and must rely on their handlers for transportation. Not this one. Full summary inside.
Yes, we have very few characters to summarize a work. I feel that the "Full summary inside" weakens this one. Simply having "not this one" is enough to give us the impression she's a maverick, and, coupled with the title, paints a picture of merry mayhem.
By having "not this one," you're saying "Yeah, I can't fit it all in n characters." The sign of a good writer isn't just what to say, but also what to omit. With this last part, it seems you don't have confidence in your ability to lure a reader with the standard form.
"the 'Petrolhead Princess' of Section 2"
By it's position, the 'extended summary' is the opening of the story. It's a good opening paragraph - brash and promising a great deal of action. It certainly has me wanting more.
"Would you like to prove that in a race?" challenged the brunette,
"... which evens the playing field rather nicely." countered the girl,
"...hand me the registration and title for your Lamborghini." offered the college student.
Personal pet peeve, but I stick to 'asked' and 'said' with an occasional 'reply' to change things up a bit. Most anything else can seem too showy, and distract from the action. Imagine an action scene, and some grunt's gear is just too shiny. It's the right props, the right place, but it's taking attention away from the SFX and acting.
"I've never been in bed with a handsome Italian man before." she proffered,
"Don't get caught up in the trap." replied a voice on the other end.
In addition to the 'flash' I was talking about earlier (regarding the 'proffered'), the first word after each quote should be capitalized, because the period in the quote ended the previous sentence.
The brunette quickly got out of her MX-5 and moved in on Marconi.
Nothing wrong with the sentence, but "the brunette" is getting repetitive. Brian has already used her name, so there's nothing wrong with the narration using it as well. Either that, or perhaps 'the young lady', etc.
Maybe you should attend to that first, Allison." said a redheaded Irishman, approaching the two girls.
Needs an opening quote, and a cap after the period.
"The car takes precedence, Brian." replied the girl. "But if you insist."
Same here, and "replied the girl" is not as direct as "she replied". Again, as with above, this is a matter of style and preference.
"The Social Welfare Agency is not a bloody multi-car garage!" ranted the Irish handler.
He sighed reluctantly and made his reply.
Again, it's longer, so it's indirect. However, in this case, because 'sigh' rhymes with 'reply', putting it closer will also distract the reader that way. Possibly "he said" is better here.
Love her or hate her, you just couldn't say no to her.
This is a nice way to 'pull out' from the scene, so the next paragraph can directly address the reader. However, it should probably set off in its own paragraph, because the previous lines were still Brian and Allison.
This is the story of their adventures. Their tale is one of horsepower and gunpowder; of engine detonation and explosive detonation; a tale of Tire Tracks and Spent Casings.
the "horsepower and gunpowDer" works because there isn't the alliteration. "Engine detonation and explosive detonation" doesn't - the latter word in each pair is the same, so the reader may not see it as clever wordplay.
As a closing line, it's very good. The "Tire Tracks and Spent Casings" is very strong - I can almost see some sort of logo with those very words being superimposed over them.
In general, it's a good close to the chapter - we have the intro, a buildup to the action, but it's not belabored. We get a bit of comedic interaction in the end.
As an opening chapter, it does give me enough to be interested in the characters, and invites me to come back for more. Now, I'll admit that my preference is not for stories about the best-of-breed - it seems too easy with that type of character. Especially with this setting, I expect the characters to be competent and proficient, but never be the best.
Overall, it has a very good flow. The shift between narrative description, dialogue, and action is smoothly done. It feels nice and balanced, with me feeling I have enough description to 'hang' the scene on, but not so much it reads like a travel guide.
| shotgunspartan chapter 1 . 3/13/2011
MP5 i have a idead for an exelent writer like your self. Okay make a bad company modern warfare crossover i havent seen any yet and in b company 2 the reference moder warfare 2 so i assume they take place at the same time.
| Sheo Darren chapter 1 . 3/10/2011
Wow... Fast & Furious, GSG style is what I initially thought this fic was. But you've imbued a unique charm in Allison, a vitality that surpasses even happy-go-lucky Rico, what with the way she loves cars and kicks ass in equal parts.
When I have more time, I'll go finish their adventures. But for now, this is a very good taste of what's to come. Good job!
| ALEX191 chapter 2 . 1/1/2011
awssome story and character keep it up
| Sky Fireheart chapter 6 . 12/9/2010
:) I LOVE THIS STORY! PLEASE CONTINUE!
| zarien chapter 6 . 12/8/2010
nice job keep it up please
| steamrick chapter 6 . 12/8/2010
Thanks for writing :)
| steamrick chapter 5 . 10/3/2010
Thanks for writing :)
| zarien chapter 4 . 8/15/2010
nice job, is there any more or another story
| tanithlipsky chapter 4 . 7/25/2010
| Jacen Starslayer chapter 4 . 7/11/2010
Once again well done, MP5. I can't wait for the next part of the story.
| Danny Barefoot chapter 3 . 6/2/2010
Very cool story, convincing way for gang members to veiw drive bys. Allison is an appealling character as well, and a bit laid back than most cyborgs. Enjoyed it.
| steamrick chapter 3 . 4/29/2010
I like the story, hope to see more.