|Reviews for Avatar: The journey of Able Ryder of Na'vi Tipani|
| The Powah chapter 3 . 6/8/2013
this is a firkkin awesome story man!
| Jack Hawthorne chapter 7 . 4/11/2010
Woah. Holy shit dude. This must be the longest chapter you've ever written. Which is a good thing btw. I think this also is the best chapter you've ever written! xD There was one place where some better spacing could've been used (namely, right before the AJSSRA-56, between when they talk in the evening and when Ryder wakes up.), and I notices you misspelled Melvin's name as "Murray" near the end there, in the beginning of the last section.
Other than that, a brilliant chapter. I sat on edge through the entire last battle, wondering whether you'd kill off someone, or let them live. Also, I don't think I saw that part in the original plotline? It was a brilliant addition though. And, having some doubt about Rachels fate was a great move.
And, I'm a sucker for happy endings, so that one worked out nicely for me
And that last mention of Jake was a nice "cliffhanger" sort of. I bet you could combine the original movie and the game to create a sequel for this one, eh? If you do, that'd be great
| hoscba chapter 7 . 4/11/2010
Nice job, loved it just loved it :). The way you express the characters responses and personalities is perfect. How you told the story was perfect as well. Thanks for writing this awesome fanfic. Great story teller. Anyone who is a fan of the game or movie, or are just looking for a story to read, check this story out it will leave you in ur chair craving for more.
| skxawng chapter 6 . 4/4/2010
this is a really great story. i own avatar the game and was appalled by the lack of a good storyline for the campain and also how all the missions are run and fetch. I wish you had been working with ubisoft when they made the game. they could definitly use your advice.
i love getting feedback from the authors of stories so plz plz plz contact me at
For a truly epic story read aftermath by scott washburn
| Unknown Souldreamer chapter 6 . 3/20/2010
I'm really sorry I couldn't review any sooner. I'll review it as a whole, 'kay?
I'm impressed with all your research here, names of people, species, weapons, and such. And the Na'vi language, especially. Good job with that. It's also really descriptive, giving us all a good visual.
Hmm, there's an occasional problem with spacing. You have to make a new paragraph every time a different person speaks. Plus, don't keep all the paragraph's together. You have to space. Otherwise, it'll be all jumbled up.
Grammatically, after a person does speak, you have to use a comma, then the quotation mark, and finally the little description that goes with it. Same goes if the description's before the quotes; use a comma after the description. Or, use the appropriate punctuation mark, like a period, question mark, etc., if you're simply ending the talk without any desciption after.
In the first chapter, humans should be uncapitalized. Second chapter, English is capital; soldier and captain uncapitalized. Only when a person name is mentioned with their status are they capitalized. Also, you don't need two punctuation marks when writing. One shall do.
Ryder's really shows human emotion here. Thumbs up! And now he has to pick a mate (I'm on ch. 3 here); aw! The scene with him and Amanti was excellent, reminds me of the movie.
With the speaking thing, you have to capitalize when a person starts talking.
Gah, another traitor to the Na'vi. *reads further on ch. 6* Or not. Seems Murray's the antagonist here; working for Quaritch, too.
I hope Amanti is saved soon. If she's acting like that, I'd wary a guess and say she's pregnant?
Overall, your knowledge of the game is excellent, you just need to work on the grammar and such. And, I apologize for the rather long review I left. D
| Dr. Tal chapter 4 . 3/16/2010
Definatelty a winner ( for me at least), when I finished the game, it left this feeling, of err...what happens next? It just cut off. So I think your story is great, it explores the characters more, and I thought Amanti was pretty cool :D Hope there will be more chapters
| Jack Hawthorne chapter 6 . 3/13/2010
Though, maybe you should try spacing up your text a bit more. It becomes somewhat confusing to read after a while:P
A nice tip to help with that is to begin a new line every time someone new speaks. Like;
"Hello, how are you" * said.
"Mornin', very well thankee." * replied back.
When you write big block of text, they kinda start to blur when you read them, aye? :P
Otherwise, I think the situation was kinda too cheery at the end there. I would have imagined the atmosphere to be more dampened, either angry or sad or simalar, instead of more "Oh whatever, it's going to be all right anyway" which it seemed to be here. Though, Beyd'amo's reaction was authentic in my opinion:P
| hoscba chapter 6 . 3/13/2010
Loved the entire story I really got into it, I'm eager to read what happens next, made me smirk a few times at Big B's reactions and Daniel's ones too lol, keep it up I'm looking forward to seeing the final chapter :)
| Jack Hawthorne chapter 5 . 2/16/2010
Woah woah WOAH! Slow down here dude:P You just squeezed atleast 3 months of training (Jake-style) into a few days? Seriously, thats WAY too fast. And, you say "everybody can use a bow"? Absolutely not. There is a reason bows became obsolete when guns came into play: Bows require months, if not years, of training to even use properly, while guns is just point and shoot. If you want to do it with any skill whatsoever, you need even more training.
Remember in the movie? Jake used three months to be able to get his first kill with his bow. Also, a bow is usable in any hand, you just need to change your position. Same with guns I believe, but I don't have as much experience with guns.
Then, you made Beyda'amo say that "words will not do" when the students where to ride a pa'li, right? That's not correct either: Jake used words in the beginning to direct his pa'li. Most likely cause it helps "solidify" your thoughts.
Also, this whole "Ikran in a day" thing is kinda messed up. The Ikran ceremony is something that all na'vi looks forward to, since it mark their anscention into the ranks of the grown-ups. I'm most certain that even the most capable Avatar would need atleast three months to be able to do that.
And, in case you want to arguement with that Ryder was able to do it, then I personally think that's one of the REALLY bad plot-points of the game. They REALLY should have researched some more before making that part. Like, how the hell is Ryder able to use bows, warstaffs AND dual-blades with no training whatsoever? That's bullshit in my opinion.
Of course, it wasn't all bad You're really skilled at writing flight-scenes, for example, and I like that little pairing-plot between Rachel and Daniel you hinted at
And while it may look bad that the critic is so much longer than the praise, that's only natural. it's WAY easier to write much about something wrong than something right, don't you agree?
And, this whole rant is prolly just spawned from my perfectionist attidude when it comes to getting the facts straight. And since you're planning to end it anyway, I can see why you'd want to shorten it down a bit I would have reccomended that you left a time-gap here though, unless the training was the main part of your story. In that case, I would've used a few more chapters on it
Hope you don't take any of this as flaming by the way. I don't do flaming, but I believe that good constructive critics are good
| Jack Hawthorne chapter 4 . 2/11/2010
Nice one Some shabby formulated sentences here and there, but not too much. You drove the plot forward really nicely too. I assume Murrays gonna be the main antagonist, eh? The others too, might be both good and bad.
| elkalee chapter 1 . 2/11/2010
Its good, but "Turuk" is spelt "Torak"
| TopKat90 chapter 2 . 2/10/2010
So, this is a fan-fic for the video game? I have seen the movie a bazillion times, but i haven't seen the game.
It seems kind of fast passed and I seem to be missing a lot o referances. It's like I started reading an alternate Universe Avatar story in the middle.
| Jack Hawthorne chapter 3 . 2/8/2010
Hm. Good chapter, but maybe a little hurried. And how did the clan know that they had bonded? In the movie, Neytiri had to tell Tsu'tey it before he was sure, since he was just making assumptions based on their behaviour before.
This opens up for interesting plots though. For example, what would happen if Amanti and Ryder got separated? Lets say, the RDA captures Amanti, or shots her down while she is flying? That would make for an interesting plot, unless you already have something in mind. A propos that, have you written down a rough plot somewhere? Trust me, that helps like nothing else. D
| Jack Hawthorne chapter 2 . 2/6/2010
He-hey! Now this can get really interesting! How will this work out? :P
Anyway, there are a few spelling mistakes here and there. And more importantly, there are words missing now and then. You should fix that:P
| I-Am-Silence chapter 1 . 2/5/2010