|Reviews for Dear Muggle: Letters from Hogwarts Students|
| RPMasterweaver chapter 1 . 4/11
To the eminent and esteemed wizard Draco Malfoy:
Your letter, intended to be read by someone else, has ended up in my hands. I have no doubt this someone else has read it and deigned not to respond; he is, unfortunately, very busy. However, as a non-magical person myself, I feel I must take up the duty of replying.
It is fascinating to know that you attend a self-defined school of both witchcraft and wizardry. I, of course, am not familiar with either branch of magical practice and do not know the semantic differences, but I surmise you are taught a plethora of subjects relating to arcane lore, alchemical engineering, mystical arts, practical magic, and natural thaumatology. While I am of course curious about your wizardly talents, I fully understand that your wizarding world would be uncomfortable with such unusual subjects as mathematics, literature, chemistry, biology, sociology, psychology, electronic engineering, mass manufacturing, and home economics. We must seem like a terribly unusual lot to you folk, who simply waggle their fingers to think things into being-again, an assumption, although I'm sure magical prowess can be challenging for those as unique as you.
I am sure that the intended recipient of this letter has done his best to understand the full comprehension of the loathing you have directed to him; it is with great regret that I feel I myself cannot label it anything other than singularly underwhelming, and attribute it to one of my primitive gods. Oh, Xenophobia of the house of Psychological Disorder, why have you poisoned our life this way? Alas, having never met one of your great people in person I cannot know the truth. However, I suspect there is a method to lift this terrible curse upon the both of us. For my part, I shall answer your questions as thoroughly and honestly as I can.
Our stench does not arise from rolling alongside our canine companions, though I can understand your confusion; many members of our society will allow their pets to sleep on top of the covers of their bed, while they rest underneath. The smell is in fact generated by an odd phenomena known as Eccrine glands, reacting to heat by releasing material to cool our skin. Many of us attempt to wash this material off, but we cannot control when it comes and goes directly; it is a constant struggle for those of us not gifted with the power of magic.
As to our moving pictures, I will admit to not frequenting them as often as my contemporaries, so I cannot lay judgment upon them. If they truly are as violent and obscene as you claim, I suppose I must bow to the wisdom of the one who has seen one and judged immediately that every such movie is not worth his while. Still, I find most of our culture is transmitted through an incredible device crafted by dozens of Electric Engineers, an amazing box called the Television which shows us what is happening around the world. True, some of us transmit Movies through it, but I do not actually watch those as I have previously mentioned.
And regarding Harry Potter, while I am certain some individuals might accept a monetary reward in exchange for his demise, the vast majority of us would probably seek to assist a stranger who, I assume, we would see as paralyzed. Our desperate straits force us toward camaraderie for survival against our many primitive gods, after all, and it was in this belief that some of our oldest city states such as Sumeria and Egypt were founded.
Now that I have done my part to purge the poison of Xenophobia from myself-may the name ever be cursed!-I feel I must tell you what our primitive beliefs suggest you do so that you are no longer ensorcelled by the dark god. It is my humblest of suggestions that you opt to separate yourself from the use of magic or magical effects on yourself or anything that you touch for a period of six weeks. I do not demand that you remove yourself from the magical realm-far from it! It is simply that refusing to be seen as a wizard, I believe, will cause Xenophobia to lose interest in you. Alas, as you have lived with magic for so long, I do not know if it will be enough. But it is a first step nontheless.
I do hope you have found this correspondence to be enlightening.
-A professional sanitation engineer
| Hypothetical Spiritual Entity chapter 3 . 2/21
Somehow, it gets progressively funnier.
| Piper chapter 3 . 11/1/2014
This. Is. BRILLIANT! Continue! I LOVE this!
| definitelyinfinitely chapter 1 . 9/9/2014
Ignore my previous review, since I was apparently stupid enough to not notice the huge glaring "Dear Muggle" in, you know, the TITLE of the fic.
Still, I enjoyed all three letters! Thanks for writing!
| definitelyinfinitely chapter 3 . 9/3/2014
This was a fun read!
"thoroughly Muggle-tested" was a nice touch - probably the reason Dudley bothered to reply. (Is he really such a good speller? Although, to be fair, having it spelled right does make the story easier to read, and also maintains the punch of "We'll see how many..." which is more important.)
A minor point: Fred's letter begins with "Dear Muggle", which led me to believe that it was a mass flyer, something like the Wizarding version of spam. Ignoring the (obvious?) question of what happened to the Staute of Secrecy, "the Muggle in question" seems to indicate that it was only for Dudley. If that is the case, perhaps "Dear Muggle cousin of Harry" or "Dear Harry's Muggle cousin" or "Dear [insert insult]" or whatever might make it more clear?
Yes, I overanalyzed a joke. I really should be finding better things to do.
Anyway, thanks for the smile!
| LunaNotLoony chapter 3 . 8/31/2014
This is brilliant. The notes between the letters are hilarious. Can we have Lockhart next?
| Whiterose788 chapter 3 . 8/29/2014
You have an amazing talent! Malfoy's made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants.. sorry if that's TMI.. anyways, I would love to see more of these in the future!
Thanks for writing! :)
| torik chapter 2 . 6/15/2014
I'd like to see Ron's, if you ever feel like adding more.
Or Luna's, now that I'm thinking about it.
| Guest chapter 2 . 3/20/2014
Thank you for making me smirk on an otherwise dreary day ;)
(I wonder what a letter from Luna Lovegood would be like...? ;)
A muggle and yet a wizard
| The Sinful chapter 2 . 2/15/2014
I don't know, I think a letter from Luna would be rather amusing. Possibly Seamus trying to understand football. One of the Weasleys asking whatever matters to them (Government to Percy, prank stuff to twins, etc) and having to ask what the function of a rubber duck is on behalf of their father. I can't imagine many others would be amusing, given that either we don't know jack about the character or they know too much about the muggle world.
| Random number generator chapter 2 . 1/5/2014
Who said that serious consequences can not be funny? At least my first thought would be sending picture of Tzar Bomb radius of total destruction and map of Hogsmeade, in the same scale.
BTW, the first one would be (according to NUKEMAP) around 9km (area with 100% probability for 3rd degree burns would have 60km radius and cover 11300 square kilometers).
And now I think whatever it would be better to propagate this king of knowledge among wizards or keep it as a secret for special occasions.
| ClickyPen chapter 2 . 12/25/2013
How about a letter from one of the Weasleys, using words like "fellytone" and passing on questions from their father?
| LunaNotLoony chapter 2 . 12/12/2013
| Obsessive Consumptive Reader chapter 2 . 10/27/2013
Okay first chapter, O.o wow Malfoy, and LOL that it went to the PM
Second chapter: Just LOL
| Oriondruid chapter 2 . 2/4/2013
I like this idea, maybe some more would be a good idea too as they are funny. The Slytherins write the best of course as they hate muggles, but there is room for some more subtle confusion from the other houses. Muggleborns of course would simply write a polite and probably quite boring letter though, as they understand the culture.