|Reviews for No Leaf Clover|
| Knitting Dragon chapter 1 . 8/5
Dang it you went and made me cry. You are way to talented.
| Funnelweb chapter 1 . 6/3
This was heartbreaking. Oh the torturous twist at the end! If only he'd been there for her final moments.
I got Watership Down flash-backs from this, oddly enough. It's very similar.
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/20/2014
But I enjoyed it
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/20/2014
It's a very very very good story but it's TOO sad I mean I take things too seriously so if u can make another one that has a good ending
Bravo this story is very very well written
| guadalupe.junior.18 chapter 1 . 5/10/2014
Dude, this is named after a Metallica song, No Leaf Clover.
| PikaBulbasaur chapter 1 . 12/27/2012
What an amazing, powerful and sad story. I really enjoyed it.
| bananaslugsareheshes chapter 1 . 4/30/2012
i get the spirituality and stuff about the "no leaf clover", but isnt it just a stem now? sorry, had to say that. too sad for my liking, well written though.
| ShadicOzzy chapter 1 . 12/13/2011
This story is really deep. I am crying right now because it reminded me I never got to spend last nights with any of my dead relatives. So deep it hurts but its a great story. Keep up the good work
| last warrior 7 chapter 1 . 9/26/2011
sad but a good story. explains the haqrshness of life
| darkriser7 chapter 1 . 6/4/2011
*sniffling* that was sad expeccialy the end
| Houndude chapter 1 . 2/22/2011
Wow... That was just... wow... So sad, poor Senka and Charna for losing her mother at such a young age! Ah, I did tear up a little... Very well done though, I like these sad stories, but only a few at a time. Too much and I'd probably just start bawling, heh. Keep up the amazing writing!
| BioFlare chapter 1 . 5/7/2010
Hai! 8D I'm gonna go through correcting any errors I spot. I usually do this at the start of my reviews and leave other comments till last. x)
"The radiant sun had long ago set beyond the horizon and its pale counterpart risen in the sky."
The Sun actually needs a capital S, because it's its name. Same with the Moon and the Earth, and like the other planets. Many people do not know this. o:
"It was the first time in nearly a week that we could really go out and enjoy the mountains, as it raining for a long time before."
Should be 'as it had been raining for a long time before', or 'as it rained for a long time before'.
"Charna ran out in front, exploring the terrain of the area, while Senka and I brought up the rear."
This sounds just a little strange. ;
"Rather, they seemed to from the ground."
This sentence doesn't make any sense. D:
"I began to relax some."
Sounds incomplete and I don't think 'some' works there. Maybe 'I began to relax for a while' or something.
"I went to her aid, trying all I could to make her comfortable and help her breath."
Should be 'breathe', and I'd like to know the specifics of how he went to her aid. o: Did he crawl, hop, walk, sprint, roll-which is it?
"It was like I was watching her wear away in front of me."
Well...I'd say that he WAS watching her wear away. :(
"Yet there were other tales, of how they possessed amazing healing powers."
The comma doesn't seem right there, so maybe: 'Yet there were other tales. Tales of how they possessed amazing healing powers' would be better. :3
"I would hear mention of "that damn Absol" and other curses directed toward myself."
This sounds like you're saying that the man was talking to Ares when he said those words, so maybe 'I would hear mention of "that damn Absol" and other curses spoken about me' would be better.
"This might be my chance, I thought to myself."
His thoughts need to be in italics.
"It stung quite a bit."
This seems rather emotionless to me... o:
"He lowered his gun for a moment, but still kept it up so I tried to run he could get a shot off."
You need an 'if' between 'so' and 'I'.
"The moon was full, shining down so bright it was almost like daytime."
Capital 'm' for 'Moon'. Using 'so bright' doesn't really look good in a sentence. Even 'brightly' would be better, but on top of that, saying something like 'shining down with such brightness it was almost like daytime' sounds more fitting. x)
'mommy' should have a capital 'M', because it's a name.
:( Aww, yes, I did tear up after reading this. Dx I got shivers when Ares was remembering his moments with Senka. I think this is a pretty powerful piece, completed by what happened by the end. I was actually surprised when Senka had agreed to let Ares go, but now it makes sense. And at least she had Charna there!
Although, now I'm gonna point out some flaws. Somehow I think this story lacks emotion. The emotion in me was fine; I felt sorrow and sympathy as well as feeling stuck when the man had cornered Ares. What I mean is the characters. Charna was lively and bouncy, but I think she would have been more concerned when Ares came back. If she suspected that Senka was possibly dead, she should have been anxious and worried, whereas she was not pessimistic at all (which may be a personality trait, but in that kind of situation she suspected the worst). We didn't see too much of Senka, but personally if she knew it was going to be her last night, I think she should have reacted more emotionally to Ares' request to leave.
Ares was the main character. And he had the least emotion, sorry to say. D: It may just be his personality, but he felt to me, not scared enough when running from the man (he was being threatened with death...) and when he found out about his mate. I can't specify why, but I don't think he felt enough emotion through the story, and I always read his speech and actions monotonedly (I know that's not a word, but oh well xD). It's partly to do with how it's been written, which I'll mention further down.
Watch repeating words too close to each other. And doing this:
"Senka became more and more independent."
"the coughing got worse and worse."
"She became sicker and sicker."
These were in three paragraphs in a row. xD Just make sure you don't do that too often. x)
Part of the monotone thoughts (/narration) was that you stopped and started a lot, rather than continuing on with the sentence by using a comma. It makes the writing less emotional, I reckon, and it's better used when there's an intense moment. I'll give an example (this example isn't the best one) :
"Each step I took sent small rocks tumbling down the hill. I reached the bottom quickly."
Those sentences could be connected, and that way it would flow better. Even just sticking a 'but' between 'hill' and 'I' would suffice.
"So I attempted to ascend the hill. It was not an easy task."
This kinda seems emotionless too, even though it's just stating what was happening.
"It was the one thing that I'm sure no one has seen before, or seen again. A no leaf clover."
This is a good place to have the stop - start sentences, because it's kinda intense, if you know what I mean. xD Whereas a lot of the time you use it inappropriately, which makes Ares sound like he's stating it short. Sharp. And without emotion. Do you get where I'm coming from? o:
I think that's it, apart from the another point that sort of ties in with the previous one. It's about description-you're good with it, but there could be more. Don't tell us what Ares is doing. Show us. We want to know WHY it was a tricky task climbing up and down the cliff face. We want to know HOW he treated Senka's wounds, and what with. Also, we don't want to know he 'went to her aid', but 'rushed to her side to *insert what he did to help and how here*'. It's important to be specific with movements and the process of doing something, rather that just stating that someone did it without explaining. Okay?
I hope this was useful for you! I enjoyed this story of yours, and I'll be sure to read more of them soon. :D
| mbb-closed chapter 1 . 4/6/2010
So I feel awfu about JUST finding out that you had updated. So I decided to click and seewhat it was, expecting something marvelous (which it was, of course! Fantastic job!)
| Gweniveve Skyes chapter 1 . 2/11/2010
This is an incredibly well written tragedy. Normally, I'm a drama/ sometimes humor writer, but I have to say that I really liked it, even though it made me sad. I thought that it was interesting that Ares went to the humans, even though they caused the situation at hand.
| pyco fox chapter 1 . 2/11/2010
i have to say from reading this and "the light in the darkness" i can saftly say that you have skill when it comes to tragid. Most of us write happineis. But you are one of the few that can pull of sadness.
Ironic for someone with the title of "hero". or are you the tragic figure. the her who has lost it all and strugels to get it back. or am i just a freak whos looking to deeply into this?