Reviews for Breakaway
Billywigbakerst chapter 3 . 8/28/2017
Update please! This is amazing!
Kitty chapter 3 . 9/18/2014
I was just beginning to enjoy this fanfiction when it ended so abruptly... Please continue, I'd like to know what becomes of Ateyo and Lanilya.
Guest chapter 3 . 2/28/2013
Don't make it into a Jake/ Neytiri story... I think this Ateyo should be a kind of threat towards the guy in previous chapters? that would be Coooooote! :) x
SapphiRubyCrys chapter 3 . 1/31/2013
update update update!
Naruto-and-Avatar-lover982 chapter 3 . 2/3/2011
More! I like this story! Write more Plz! Can't wat 'til you update!
Movieluver chapter 1 . 9/22/2010
D made me smile
Akktri chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
I laughed loudly, throwing my head back. The wind was strong in my hair, whipping my braids around my face, clacking my beads together. None of that mattered, nothing did. The only thought that was running through my head was freedom. Freedom to do what I willed, to go where I wanted, and be who I wanted to be.

This is a great opening paragraph. Unfortunately...

"Kämaktao!" I called to my ever faithful Ikran, Le' ti. Bracing myself for the sharp turn, I let out a cry of joy. I loved to fly, I lived for it.

Does the writer spontaneously throw out words, expressions, and terms from the source material without bothering to explain them in the text, forcing the reader to go back to the source material for reference?


Chapter 2 was interesting, too. Nothing really bored me or caused a disruption in the willing suspension of disbelief. Well, nothing until this line:

So this was the Tipani's leader, Sänume. She had kind face, and to me, seemed like a very gentile soul.

So the Na'vi are Jewish? I never would have thought of that. You'd think them living on an alien planet and being blue with tails would automatically make all of them gentiles, but I guess maybe not all of them are?

Where's the synagogue?

What alien foods are kosher?

How does one become a Na'vi rabbi?

"This is Beyda'amo and his mate Marali ." Sänume gestured to a tall male, and a petite female standing close together. They nodded their heads. A gesture which I returned with a shy smile.

Tall and thin. That describes just about every single male Na'vi on Pandora. The same goes for petite females. Why aren't there a few freaks with fat bodies and larger breasts?

"This is Lungoray," A thin Na'vi male, who wore many intricate materials and beads

It's like a witness of a crime in Harlem describing the criminal as "a black man."

"Tan Jala," He was very muscular, with a strong jaw.

This reminds me of Falling Down, where the witnesses of armed assault all gave unhelpful descriptions of the robber as a "white man in a white shirt and tie".

"And this is Unipey." A sweet looking woman, with a small face.

Cheese Checklist

Item #10: Does the author use vague, unhelpful adjectives like "nice", "beautiful", "handsome", and other such non-descript words to describe things?


They all seemed lovely and kind, but there was something odd about them, something almost sinister. I knew my father was right, they were not a clan you would want to intimidate.

Please make someone else the villain. I can see this coming from a mile away.

I took my time making my way to the Vitraya Ramunong, though father prefers to call it the Tree of Souls.

This line is problematic. On one hand, I understand that Jake is from earth, and that he would call an alien word an earth word. But the entire story is in English, so this nuance is lost to the reader. I think the author could probably just write, "the Vitraya Ramunong, the Tree of Souls." If you momentarily forget that Jake is her father, the line seems like an overly awkward attempt to explain terminology (why would he call it something different? Oh yeah, she's Jake's daughter). It just ends up being distracting.

But the rest of the chapter was not as distracting. I appreciated the character's reverence. Though I don't care much for the whole Gaia thing going on in Avatar, I found it interesting that she spent time praying with her god instead of just using it as a foil for an action story or something. I liked how the author expanded the religious rituals to make it more personal to the character. In terms of making a compelling story, therefore, this story has a component that many other Avatar fanfics lack. Prayer as a conversation with the divine.

I liked the romance in Chapter 3. No real complaints about it. I felt for the character, and wanted her to have Whatsitsface. It slightly bothered me that this is a romance among the elite, since there's usually politics involved in that sort of thing, and not be marrying out of romance and all that, but hey, they're like Indians, so I guess that wouldn't matter as much. I liked how the girl was clumsy, despite basically being daughter of the chieftain, or chieftain-like leader.

The brevity also appeals to me. Not a lot of junk getting in the way of the story.
Princess of Niight chapter 3 . 6/26/2010
just wanted to let u know that both chapter 2 and 3 are the same.
chawk1993 chapter 3 . 6/24/2010
OMG! Great chapter! Please update more asap. You kept us waiting long enough. Please soon otherwise I'm going to have to keep at you until you update next. ;P Kidding! LOL!

Hmmm... I wonder how Jake and Neytiri will feel about THIS relationship. I'm going to have read the first chapters again because I have forgotten what has happened earlier in the story. Remember update soooon! Like ASAP! :)
Mavrixtrinkia chapter 2 . 5/30/2010
So much better than the other 3 I have read so far. Please, do update when you can.
Flanagan96 chapter 2 . 5/16/2010
cant wait for the next chapter!
anon chapter 2 . 5/14/2010

this is really good put more chapters on please

monica x
Garapa chapter 2 . 4/28/2010
hgxgzhvhufyhckjjilh! Gr! What is with you people and having cliffies! I demand an update ASAP!

(haha love you!)
chawk1993 chapter 2 . 4/27/2010
I loved this chapter. Jake makes a brilliant father me thinks (sorry for the Yoda speak.) LOL Please update soon. I'm starting to really dig into this story.
chawk1993 chapter 1 . 4/27/2010
Beautifully written. I'm written a story like yours soon. Its my Avatar 3 story. I haven't started because I have my A2 story to finish and so many other sotries I need to write. Please update soon and please review my stories and vote in my profile again for the wonderful chapter.

This is a story I can relate to and understand how Jake and Neytiri's daughter feels.
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