|Reviews for Fleeting|
| TeenageNeko chapter 1 . 4/20/2010
I read part of Bleach and fell in love with Ulquiorra! When I found out that he died, I was mad! My favorite charaters always die! First Gaara from Naruto, then L from Death Note and now Ulquiorra! Crap!
Anyways...good...though sad D:
I went to go read Alive and saw this, and it said prolouge so I read it :)
| shelter chapter 1 . 2/17/2010
Very light, subtle story. I can get the general idea. So here are my suggestions for improvements:
1) The story stsrts VERY well. It has all the elements of building suspense: Tatsuki's walking home alone, her understanding of the situation & the outline of the other characters' inner conflicts. The problem here is that from the 4th paragraph or so you start to tell us what happened, instead of describing what happened. The key thing here is that I feel like I'm reading a narration of the manga chapters from Renji, Urahara & Yoruichi - there's little personality or uniqueness in the history of the rescue at Huenco Muendo that's told to Tatsuki.
2) Previous events form the bulk of the story. Most of time, there's little or no actual action - it's just most of the time Tatsuki listening & feeling either angry or confused. This kind of the static (internal) action can get a bit flat at times. The best thing you could do is to break up the history of Orihime's rescue into segments, and in between these segments you could write about what Tatsuki does in real life. So for example, as Urahara & Yoruichi talk about what happened in Huencho Muendo, you could pan out and have a short section on Tatsuki maybe working up the courage to ask Ichigo the questions Yoruichi has suggested.
3) Even though 4 years has passed, there appears to be some flattening of time? Does Tatsuki have the conversation with Urahara & Yoruichi 4 years later, or is she recalling the conversation?
I think it's a good effort on your part. Your style tends more to be less descriptive, but maybe in your future stories you can slow down the narration & use some detail? Meneruskan tulisan awak :)