|Reviews for Persona Destined Battle|
| Scor-Zero chapter 2 . 2/17/2010
I didn't know that you were Hareru1995 on here. Anyway, it was much more clearer and easier to read. I like it alot and I hope you don't stop before its finished.
| Jilligan9223 chapter 1 . 2/16/2010
First of all congrats on submitting your first fanfiction onto the net and joining our humble little hobble here. After reading the first and second chapter of your story I only have a few suggestions that you might consider.
First of all, take pride in your story! The number one thing is confidence in a tale, from your description I was turned off immediately; it's very annoying to see the author looking down on their fic. If you don't like it, why are you putting it up for others to read?
Second of all, who are these people?I get that they're Oc's but that doesnt mean they don't have physical appearances, quirky traits or things of that nature. Try to add in a bit more description here and there so the reader doesn't feel so lost. For example: what was the weather like? How old was Luke? Why had the main character been away from her parents for five years? Did Luke pick his nose then fling it out the window? You need to give your characters outlines, shades of color and dimension so they become real.
You've scratched the surface of these characters, all thats left is to dig a bit deeper and start expanding the world you're trying to create.
I hope this was helpful, and that you take some of these suggestions and better your writing. Sorry if I sound like I'm preaching to you, because I'm not. I'm hopefully giving you some ideas so you can further yourself as a writer. Don't give up, starting is always the hardest, put you're over that hurtle all thats left is to finish the race.
I hope to see your screen name a lot, the best way to get better is to: practice, practice, practice, practice! Good luck!
| Divine Mystery chapter 2 . 2/15/2010
Okay..., *Grabs bridge of nose* How do I put this? It was rough..., if that make sense. Its an improvement from the first chapter, I know that much. I think you should invest in a beta-reader.
I would be more then happy to do it myself, but Its up to you.
| Divine Mystery chapter 1 . 2/15/2010
An interesting first chapter. The writing is a little scatchy, but I believe that just like me, you will improve over time.