|Reviews for The Adoption|
| Brambleshadow of WindClan chapter 1 . 6/12/2010
Yow! The funny thing is, Chiffon, Ronnette, and Crystal corner Audrey about her sadistic boyfriend in the play and try to convince her to dump him. Audrey's like, "Well if he does this when he's NICE to me, what will happen when I break up with him?" They drop it, but when they later meet Orin, he says he's looking for his girlfriend. They ask if it's Audrey. Orin says yes, and one of them-I forget which-is all like, "It's him girls! Get him!" and they go into a fighting stance and start to throw punches. (This is before the song, "Dentist".)
And whatever happened to Gibbs's RulE # 12, which is "Never date a co-worker"?
| PhantomBialystock chapter 1 . 2/17/2010
Interesting approach to the whole Audrey/Orin thing. I liked the discussions that the characters have about them, and their concern for Audrey. Plus, I love intense situations like that while reading fics.
I thought the overall concept of this fic was good. It was a nice story that gave you a happy and hopeful feeling for the characters at the end. Seymour's getting adopted and will finally have a family, and Audrey may finally have the courage to get rid of Orin.
It was the delivery of this story that I had a problem with. It seems like you didn't even edit it before posting it online. There's typos all over the place, and this will turn many readers off, since they can easily find another fic that doesn't have some of these problems. Here's a few of the typos I picked up on, but there are a lot more:
*It was a Friday in mid November.*
There should be a hyphen between 'mid' and 'November' so that it's 'mid-November'.
*“Mornin’ Mr. Mushnik You and Seymour must be so excited about tomorrow.”*
There should be a period between 'Mushnik' and 'You'.
*I’m mad at myseld not at you.”*
It should be 'myself' and not 'myseld'
*“Audrey, there may not be a lot eligible bachelors on Skid Row but what about me?”*
You forgot the 'of' in 'a lot of'.
There are also a lot of places where you should have commas, but you don't. It really breaks the flow of a sentence and makes your work seem less professional. I suggest seeking out some resource about the usage of commas online or someplace else. Here's a part where I especially picked up on it:
*Another day of monotous work at the flower shop was to begin but Audrey would be in soon and she always made everything worthwhile.*
This would read better if it said:
*Another day of monotonous work at the flower shop was to begin, but Audrey would be in soon and she always made everything worthwhile.*
Your dialogue also seems rather bland. Dialogue should really reflect the character that's speaking, but it really doesn't in this fic. It seems like any person could say these lines most of the time instead of it being characteristic. You should also vary the punctuation a bit in it as well, like here:
*“My boy. Tomorrow is the big day. The day when your adoption will finally be legal. You are as excited as I am?”*
It seems so monotonous, like Mr. Mushnik has no real emotion. He should be excited to adopt Seymour! So I would suggest adding in some exclamation marks to show this excitement, like this:
*"My boy, tomorrow is the big day! The day when your adoption will finally be legal! You are as excited as I am?"*
It would express more emotion and show us how Mushnik feels.
There were also times when the dialogue seemed too formal, and this really shouldn't be the case in a Little Shop fic! None of the characters speak formally, except for the salesmen, I guess. I especially picked up on it in this sentence:
*“Yes sir Mr. Mushnik I’ve looked up to you as a father for so long finally I will actually be able to call you father.”*
It really doesn't sound like Seymour talking. If you wanted to make it seem more like that, try something along these lines:
*"Yes sir, Mr. Mushnik. I've been looking up to you as a father for so long, and now I can finally call ya Dad!"
Don't be afraid to throw in some slang into the dialogue either, especially in a fic like this where the characters would probably be speaking in slang terms sometimes. Just think back to the musical and remember how the characters spoke, and try to reflect that in their dialogue in your fics.
The characters seem flat in this fic sometimes, too. Think back to the musical and try to incorporate some of their characteristics into this, because they seem to get lost. You can easily show some of these through their mannerisms and dialogue. Seymour is nerdy and shy, so he might blush and twiddle his hands while around Audrey, and he may be slightly awkward. Audrey is more of ditz, so show that through her dialogue. Think back to Ellen Greene's voice in the movie. Mr. Mushnik is an angrier person and impatient, but as you did show here, he does have a soft side. Maybe have him get impatient with a customer or one of the characters, even just a little.
While this fic needs some work with the mechanics, it has an interesting story. If you just work out the kinks, it could be pretty good. )
Audrey was surprised by Seymour’s admission and even more surprised that she shared the same feelings for him.
Business picked up briefly after lunch and then got a slow again a little later in the afternoon.