That was a great story

I'll admit, that pokespeech got me. Didn't realize it until Ash did

I hope u do something with Ash’s hinted-at-to-be-slowly-growing psychic abilities

Latias just went,'Nope it ain't the movie where you die, shut up and let me save you'.

Tsk Tst, you don't have to worry about convincing Ash Latias, just say the magic words 'I need you to save ...' and his hero complex will do teh rest.

Just have to figure out whose life energy when to who.

And I hope it's all conserved according to the law of conservation of life forces.

AHA, I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE WHOLE LATIOS PRESENCE THING

I have a lingering feeling that there’s gonna be something else that concerns Latios’ power that now resides in Ash.

LATIAS HAS A CRUSH ON ASH!
I REPEAT
LATIAS HAS A CRUSH ON ASH!

Poor Ash, that incident at the Indigo League must have been really humiliating when you think about it. He will forever be known to the people of Kanto as that one dumbass who lost because his own pokemon wouldn’t obey him. It’s cool to see how far along he’s come since then, though I do wonder if he might suffer from at least a little bit of stage fright as a result of that fiasco. I know that I would be.

It’s a little odd that Latias openly revealed her true form to the ranger like that, aren’t the twins usually more hesitant about revealing themselves to strangers?

Larvitar’s screech must be pretty powerful if it can physically knock someone back. As a joke, I like to imagine that when he screeches, he sounds like one of those death metal screamers.

And once again a law enforcement officer asks Ash, a 10 year old boy with zero military experience, to help in tracking down and apprehending a group of dangerous criminals! Isn’t the world of pokemon just wonderful?! I suppose I can’t really criticize you for writing this, since this is the norm for both the anime and the games. Still, it’s kind of funny that no one even bats an eye at sending young children to fight against gangs of vicious thugs and homicidal death cults in this world.

So, Latios stole the key to one of the hotel rooms…and Brock and Misty were perfectly ok with that? Also, there’s a pretty big chance that they’ll be caught trying to sleep in an unregistered room illegally. Even worse, Ash could end up being implicated as an accomplice, since Latios is his pokemon, and get arrested for aiding and abetting a bunch of squatters! Naturally, he’d be disqualified from the competition as well. Nice going Latios, you just 1-up’d Charizard in terms of ruining Ash’s league career!

Brock is absolutely right. Ash needs to engage in some heavy training montages. It’s time for some super heavy grinding! Nothing like engaging in a good old fashioned campaign of mass genocide against the pokemon living in the tall grasses in order to rake in those experience points!

I do find it amusing that Ash doesn’t even seem to have any strategies planned out. He reminds me of myself, I just kind of rush head-on into things without really planning ahead. It’s probably not a good quality to have, but I think that’s something that most people tend to suffer from. Ash is lucky that he has Brock and Misty to help him with these things.

I can’t really say that I’m all that intimidated by the “Pokemon Poacher Brothers”. In fact, they seem even dumber than the Team Rocket Trio. Their dialogue is pretty hammy and cartoony, which I guess is the point. If you ever do a rewrite of this chapter I’d recommend trying to go for a darker and more sinister tone with these guys.

On a more positive note, I enjoy how calm and collected Ash is during this whole fight scene. He knows how dangerous the situation is, and he definitely acts a lot more mature during this scene which is a cool detail about his character. Overall, it was a well-written fight; I liked how Ash combined all of his pokemon’s attacks and took advantage of the environment to defeat the mecha. It shows just how tactically shrewd he can be when push comes to shove.

Latios’s mind rending of the poachers’ psyches was a creepy scene. While I do agree that such men deserve whatever dark fate that their own actions lead them towards, it doesn’t change the fact that Latios sadistically tortured and violated their minds for his own satisfaction. For a brief moment, he was no better than them. I think that this scene has a lot of potential for delving a bit into Latios’s past and getting the reader to better understand his mindset. Also I think that the actual process could have been described in more detail. It would be interesting if Latios were to witness personal memories that these men had while trying to find the information he needed from them, such as them being abused as children or something horrible that turned them into such scumbags to begin with, only to coldly throw these memories aside because he refuses to have sympathy for anyone who would do such horrible things to a mother and her child.

I kind of feel that the conversation between Ash and Latios at the end could have been a bit longer. Maybe have Latios reveal just a little bit of his past experiences with humans and explain why he did what he did. I do think it’s realistic that Ash would be disturbed by the incident, he is still only a child after all.

honestly I know its for conflict but as a fan of many legendries. but I absolutely hate the helpless feel of those prisonballs. i cant see many outs from them and i know with out their harmony the world can end and I know Giovani wants to rule the world not end it. that aside the few loopholes i can find is time travel with Celebi and Dialga, strong mental purging from psychic attacks, Xernias and Ho-Oh purifying and revving lost Pokemon or divine intervention from lady mew and Arceaus. Either way those prison balls really make me feel queasy lol and really hope something is done to stop it all and save the legendries. That all aside I loved every battle that you have written with the battles and comedic moments keep it up i
the sequal.

Poor Ash, talk about a rude awakening. Leave it to Doctor Pikachu to help you wake up from a nightmare with some good old-fashioned electric shock therapy!

It’s interesting that you describe Latios’s mind as being larger than Ash’s. Kind of makes you wonder just how humans managed to become the dominant species on the planet despite them being both physically more frail and mentally inferior to a lot of pokemon species. In fact, if pokemon are sentient AND they have supernatural elemental powers than why do they need human trainers at all? I feel that these are questions that you could address somewhere down the line.

I have to say, the idea of travelling with psychics who can pick up your stray thoughts without even consciously trying to do so sounds like it would be very uncomfortable. Your mind is supposed to be a safe space for having thoughts that you wouldn’t want any others to know you’re having. Latias calling Brock a pervert earlier makes a lot more sense now, because she no doubt picked up on all the inappropriate thoughts he was having towards the women he flirts with. That’s another aspect of psychics that I find distasteful, the idea of being judged simply for having thoughts that you don’t necessarily have full control over, especially when you would never act on those thoughts anyway. I know it’s not really the twins’ fault as they are young and probably haven’t figured out how to suppress their psychic senses yet, but still that would definitely be a very unnerving experience for both the mind-reader and the person whose mind is being read.

I always laugh a little at all the times your characters ‘sweatdrop’ at something happening. I like how you write the story as if it’s still an anime along with all the weird quirks that animes are known to have.

The pokedex did technically say that larvitars ‘generally’ hatch underground, and the reason for why this particular one hatched above ground in a human building is because it was abducted by poachers and then rescued by the authorities. So, come on guys, there’s no need to be dissing the Dex for this particular entry!

It's kind of weird that they just go right back to sleep after a traumatized infant ends up hatching from an egg. It would be funny if Ash tried to go back to sleep only for Larvitar to start shrieking and waking up everyone in the building.

I like how Latios stops Latias from trying to touch the larvitar when she’s trying to comfort him (that probably would have been a very bad idea). It shows that he is more mature and understanding of how some people prefer to be left alone. It’s an interesting detail when you consider the fact that Latias is technically the more empathic of the duo, like there are some aspects of dealing with people that even a natural empath still needs to learn.

It’s good to see that Ash is being more mature in his thoughts towards his upcoming league run. I always found it annoying how Ash would frequently become overconfident and even outright arrogant in some episodes of the anime because the writers decided that Ash needed to learn a lesson in humility…even though he already learned that lesson before in previous seasons.

Ash’s dialogue when he talks to Larvitar by the lake’s edge was very well-written, I like how you included the detail of Ash’s own absent father and how that enables him to relate to Larvitar’s situation more. Again, these kinds of interpersonal conversations are what the show really lacked and I’m happy to see them in this story.

It’s also interesting that Latios is described as being more mentally mature than his sister despite them both being practically the same age. I think it makes sense for Latios to have taken on more responsibilities during their youth because males usually have the instinctive role of being the protectors of their loved ones. I think it’s cool how both siblings each show the strengths and weaknesses of their respective genders with Latios being more tough and pragmatic in his thinking but also struggling when it comes to forming personal connections with others, while Latias is more gentle and empathetic but can also more easily be overcome by emotions during some situations.

are we sure phanpy is the older sibling?

*ash hearing that two legendary pokemon eant to join him*
*faints*

Ash’s empathic abilities in this story are quite fascinating to read about. I remember something similar happening in the actual episodes of the anime that this arc is based on, where Ash actually saw what had happened to the egg and how it ended up in the laboratory. Of course, I don’t think that the anime ever really provided much of an explanation as to why Ash had this ability. I thought that the implication might have been that Ash possesses latent psychic potential. Humans possessing psychic powers is canon after all, definitely one of the more awesome concepts within the games and the anime. The Sabrina arc is one of my favorite moments in the show for this reason. While Ash’s unusual bond with Latios no doubt plays a major role, I would also hypothesize that it might have been something he already had to begin with and that his link with the psychic dragon merely amplified it.

I don’t mean any offense, but I can definitely tell that this chapter isn’t as polished as the first 5 chapters that you’ve revised. Your earlier writing is still good but it’s not quite as detailed as your current writing and some of the conversations come off as a bit rushed. Oak and Elm don’t really have much personality in these chapters and their overall reaction to meeting the latis just seemed a bit underwhelming. You have definitely come a long way since writing this chapter as your later stories and the chapters that you revised are definitely of much better quality. This chapter is still good, but it reads like an early draft that needs to be built upon. I look forward to seeing the rewrites when you do decide to write them!

Ash’s uncanny ability to become randomly involved with the various deities that live in this world is certainly something that most people would raise an eyebrow at. Since most legendaries choose to seclude themselves from the prying eyes of humans it definitely makes Ash come off as someone who has been marked by destiny with all the interactions he’s had with them. It’s a bit cliché for him to be the typical ‘chosen one’ archetype that is present in a lot of stories; personally I think that it is simply his own good-natured spirit that draws him in to these events, almost like his soul is better attuned to the wants and needs of the world and so he is sub-consciously drawn to places where there are conflicts he can resolve. Hey, maybe that explains why he seemingly gets lost so easily, it could be because he keeps getting attracted to locations where people need his help.

Latias calling Brock a pervert seems a little harsh. The poor guy is just lonely after all, and admittedly quite desperate for a woman to simply give him a CHANCE at a relationship. Granted, his overall obsession with beautiful women might come off as a little creepy but I don’t think that he’s ever acted lasciviously towards any of the girls he tries to flirt with.

I like how you write Ash’s personality as him being very empathetic towards others. The way that he reacts so emotionally to the child’s sadness is quite powerful. I am curious as to how Ash’s character will change as the story goes forward. Considering how harsh and cruel the world is, will Ash still be able to maintain his innocence and compassion or will he be forced to change into someone more harsh and brutal in order to deal with the future threats that he will face.

So, one thing I didn’t mention in my review of the last chapter is that I really enjoy your portrayal of Ash. Scenes like him yelling out, “I caught a Latios!” or, “we won the Rising Badge!” while standing in a ridiculous victory pose just make me smile at how unfiltered he tends to be with his childish enthusiasm. I kind of relate to Ash in a way because I tend to be pretty socially awkward and will say and do things that most “normal” people would consider to be weird and cringy. I’ve learned to restrain myself more in my interactions with others but I tend to feel isolated from most people as a result. Fantasy worlds like Pokemon are kind of an escape from reality for me, a world where you have the freedom to go anywhere you want without fear of losing your way and having loyal friends who will always look out for you. I see Ash’s character almost like an ideal image of what humanity should be, not being obsessed with self-perfection or being financially and socially successful, but instead simply enjoying life for what it is and possessing the humility to accept the small yet significant place that we each have in the world.

Anyway, I see that this chapter starts with yet another episode of Blue Balled Brock. Latias is proving to be even more ruthless than Misty. At least Misty allows Brock to humiliate himself while trying to flirt with a girl for a couple minutes before stepping in and dragging him off by the ear! Latias just force chokes him before he can even speak!

It’s sad that Latios is in such a critical condition compared to Pikachu and Snorlax. While he did win his fight, I would guess that it was a lot more painful and stressful due to his relative youth and inexperience. From the looks of it, Latios pushed himself a bit beyond the pain threshold that most pokemon are allowed to experience in official league battles. The fact that such a threshold exists in this story compared to the games and the anime is really interesting and definitely opens up some dark and disturbing possibilities.

It’s a little strange that Ash has to go to New Bark Town in order to register for an event that is taking place in Silver Town. Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to have to register in Silver Town where the League is taking place. Furthermore, it would make more sense for Ash to be able to register at any pokemon center in the region since they all share the same league database anyway. I guess you could say this is a commentary on how major sports leagues can do dumb shit like imposing unnecessary registration limits due to bureaucratic nonsense, if that’s the way you want to go. It might be interesting to read about how the Pokemon League handles stuff like that.

I feel kind of bad for Ash not knowing how to properly navigate an area. I wonder if he has some kind of dyslexia with how often he has difficulty understanding certain things like maps and other kinds of written guides. Have Brock or Misty ever tried to actually teach him how to use a map; for that matter does the Pokemon world have some kind of equivalent to Siri? Although from my personal experience, Siri might be an even worse guide than Ash!

Phanpy’s introduction was cool. He’s definitely a cute little guy. It’s funny that Ash didn’t even realize that Phanpy had imprinted on him to the point that he sees him as his parent. This is a pretty good example of how Ash’s newfound understanding of pokespeech will affect his relationships with his pokemon going forward.

I liked the callback to the scene where Ash rode on top of Lugia during the events of the 2nd movie. It might be fun to add in a conversation between Ash and the twins where he talks about that whole debacle, I’m curious about what the twins’ reactions to hearing about Ash being the supposed chosen one will be.

I can’t help but feel that the scene where Ash receives the larvitar egg from Naomi was a bit too short. I think that you could have added in more dialogue between the characters regarding the subject of pokemon poaching. Maybe you could write about how poaching is a major problem in the pokemon world and how the league authorities are struggling to deal with criminals who engage in it. Also, the lab itself sounds like an interesting location with how it’s devoted to the study of water-type pokemon; it’s too bad Misty couldn’t come along as it sounds like a place that she would have a lot of interest in. There’s definitely a lot of worldbuilding opportunities in this scene if you’d be interested in exploring them further when you do your rewrite.

Annie and Oakley’s meeting with Giovanni was interesting to read. It’s cool to see that the actual Team Rocket is going to play a major antagonistic role in this story, instead of just Ash having to deal with Jessie, James, and Meowth all the time; that was one aspect of the anime that I found disappointing. I think you could have written a bit more about Giovanni’s inner thoughts and feelings regarding his role as the leader of a major international crime syndicate along with all the nasty things that entails. I have a pretty big interest in knowing the history of all the ‘team’ factions that exist in the Pokemon World; neither the games or the anime really explore the lore surrounding these groups and why they’ve grown to become the major threats that they are. I’m curious to see what you plan to do with them.

I see that you were able to capture Brock’s disturbing obsession with the Nurse Joys pretty well. That “Misty can’t stop me forever” comment was really creepy; Brock comes off as the kind of guy who’s played WAY too many anime dating sims.

Seeing Latios just casually pop out of his pokeball was fun to see. I always wondered how it is that pokemon can just exit pokeballs on their own. Misty’s psyduck and Jessie’s wobbuffet are the most obvious examples of this, though it’s implied that every pokemon is capable of doing it. It does beg the question of whether a pokeball can be set to prevent the pokemon from leaving. Obviously someone like Ash would never do something like that but I can guess that many other trainers would, especially those who don’t particularly care for their pokemon having a sense of freedom.

It always amused me how useless the pokedex was in the anime, all it does is give a brief description of the pokemon and... that’s it. I guess it’s implied that the dex has other information that can be read from the screen like a mobile wikipedia but the device is never utilized in such a way that it improves Ash’s understanding of the pokemon he encounters. Oak did say that he had collected a bunch of research data on the latis so I assume that the pokedex has more on it than just a couple of brief descriptions. Maybe we’ll see Ash and the gang peruse the data later on, that might be cool.

I like the sense of humor in this chapter, Pikachu is kind of a sadist with how much he enjoys electrocuting Ash all the time. Also it’s cute seeing Latias being so overprotective of Ash that she gets angry at Latios just for saying he found it funny.

So apparently the Nurse Joys of this world must be emotionless robots with how they don’t even blink an eye at seeing 2 legendary dragon gods materialize right in front of them.

And now Latias has joined the ‘Brock Must Be A Virgin Forever’ club with Misty. Given her psychic powers, I imagine she could come up with all kinds of…creative methods for restraining him.

So far I am enjoying your method of writing battles in this story. When it comes to writing fight scenes, I personally think that it’s important to not write the battles to be too long as I find that reading large numbers of paragraphs devoted to what seems like an endless fight can often be a dull and monotonous process. I think that the first bout of the gym battle, Snorlax Vs Kingdra, is pretty good as it doesn’t drag out and your descriptions of their moves, strategies, and motions were on point. One thing I might suggest would be to give Snorlax and Kingdra a little bit more personality, they are sentient beings in their own right after all and it might be fun to give them some battle lines that help the reader infer their individual personas.

Pikachu fighting Gyarados was a cool match. Too bad for gyarados that he’s water/flying which means that any electric pokemon can take him out easily. Still, the fact that he was able to damage Pikachu considerably before going down is certainly a testament to how well-trained he was. The fight between Pikachu and Dragonair was also really good. Dragonair is one of my favorite pokemon and I liked how you portrayed her as being very graceful and agile while simultaneously exuding great power. She is certainly no pushover and the way that she tanked Pikachu’s ultimate thunder attack shows just how durable dragon-types are in this story.

Clair and Dragonair’s reactions to seeing Latios were interesting. It makes me curious about why the latis are revered by some groups of people in this world. I like how you imply that the lati species has some kind of significance to the world’s history which adds a layer of depth and intrigue to the narrative. As far as legendaries go, I always found the latis to be really intriguing because of the fact that it’s never quite clear what they are meant to represent. Most legendaries usually represent a specific element or concept, but it isn’t clear what the eon twins are supposed to symbolize. Personally, I believe that they represent the concept of family and of the duty that one shows towards those whom they love and cherish in the world; on a more fundamental level I think that they also symbolize the feminine and masculine qualities that can be found within all living things. It would be cool to see how these ideas might fit in with their lore and history.

The final battle between Dragonair and Latios was awesome! It was definitely a very tense and dramatic moment for both Ash and Latios with both of them coming dangerously close to defeat due to Latios’s inexperience and Dragonair’s superior fighting abilities. I really enjoyed the moment when Clair condescendingly tells them to surrender and of course this just has the opposite effect of them getting a second wind and managing to defeat her. I felt really bad for Latios because him nearly losing this fight probably reopened his mental scars from him being defeated and humiliated by Annie and Oakley; he is determined to become as strong as he possibly can and is obsessed with never being so weak and helpless ever again. Of course, I could see some major downsides to having that kind of mentality and only time will tell whether or not Latios can one day emerge from the shadow that Annie and Oakley have cast over him.

All in all that was a really good chapter, definitely a lot of content to digest. I like how you wrote the developing friendship between Ash and Latios with both of them now having deepened their mutual trust in one another after having won their first major battle. I look forward to seeing what happens when they fight in the league.