|Reviews for Cue the Awkward Turtle|
| Rayquaza chapter 1 . 3/22/2011
Being related to the shows main character already makes her half a Sue.
Im sorry,Im not saying the story is terrible or anything,but she IS a Mary Sue.
| LollipoLuvr chapter 1 . 10/13/2010
Sorry, I have to disagree. It's a Sue.
Also, I don't grt why you wrote this in second person. Third or forst would've been better
| MyuuMay chapter 1 . 8/20/2010
I have to say, the only reason I read this was to see if you in fact didn't have a mary-sue. you do. The writing isn't very good. You used the wrong format. You did it in 2nd person but gave them a name which defeats the purpose of 2nd person writing. Also, She is related to Maka? That is the first rule of Mary-sues: Be thy relative of the main character.
Your writing itself is also choppy. I know absolutly nothing about this arielle person, why this girl knows kid and why kid likes her enough to confess feelings or any other important background info.
YOu have way to much dialoge per action. One sentence, one dialoge, one sentence, one dialoge. boring, unentertaining, and above all tiresome.
this story is just a failed attempt at haveing someone (who I asumme is you) become the love intrest of Death the kid, (that I don't blame you for) by putting their dream selves into a confession scene in the middle of their story they have deluded themselves into believing.
I admit I have fantasies where I fall in love with Kid, but I know better than to put them here.
| Tiryn chapter 1 . 7/6/2010
I love it! I almost died laughing during the entire thing! Can't wait to see what you have next!
| Moahoa chapter 1 . 5/23/2010
I'm sorry to break it to you but the gir lin this story is a Mary-sue. First off, if you wnat to make a beliveble OC, never and I mean NEVER make them related to a main character. That is really like hanging a sign around their neck that says Mary-sue. The only exception is if the main chracter mentions have a missing sibiling ect. in the show.
Also a person can't be perfect, you should really give her some flaws, besides 'the hair'.(which really isn't a flaw) A tip would also be to describe her personality and feelings more and focus less on the dialouge.
I have a question too, if she really liked kid that much, why on earth would she cut hre hair that way?
Most girls I know, dress up a tinsy bit if they like someone..
The story was kind of okay, besides the glorified character. You have a talent, you just need to create a better character/refine this one. Most writers first fanfic are like this.( FYI, my first one was waaaaaaaaaay more mary-sueish)
| The-Arctic-Wolves chapter 1 . 4/2/2010
Eh...What really got us to look at this story is 'warning' about your character not being a mary sue...
After reading your story, we have to balantly disagree.
Though you do have a very rare skill of being able to make a story based on dialouge interesting, you need to work on your character development.
The first thing that caught our attention, is the way that Kid seems to almost treat your Roxanne like a god. He's always doting on her about how she is perfect in apperance, personality, symmetry. You didn't really seem to give her any flaw, and you didn't point out any negative aspects of her.
The second thing is that she idolizes him as well. It's like a relationship from Twilight (which is not a good thing). I mean, if a guy was chasing us around with scissors, no matter how hot he was, we wouldn't fall madly in love with him. And neither would you probably. Most girls would call the cops. But that fact that 'Roxanne' seemed to ENJOY being chased by a masochistic OCD child is beyond us.
Going back on their relationship, what they 'have' for eachother seems to only be physical attraction. You never show them just talking about music that they like or hobbies or different adventures that they have had. It’s just “He’s so hot” “She’s so perfectly symmetrical”. No real relationship is like this. Though this is quite hard to portray in a oneshot, maybe you could add in a flashback of when they first met, or something else that suits your fancy, just emphasize that this isn’t just a summer-fling, appearance based, sexual attraction.
Since this isn’t too big, we suggest that you just take it out. Being related to Maka? That is so overused and cliché. We suggest that you just delete that whole part with Death Scythe-kun.
To sum everything up, we suggest that you give her flaws, work on their views on each other, and make their relationship more believable.
~Glacia, Kat, Chloe & Lexi