|Reviews for The Reappearance Of Asakura Ryoko|
| animebunny4444 chapter 1 . 8/31/2013
Intresting... I'll have to read chapters 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10, but so far it's intresting.
Can you make a story about how Alan got dragged into the club. I'm used to being in Kyon's view so it's different. I like it. Best story I've read so far on this site!
| Another Duck chapter 9 . 3/9/2010
How very cliché to have Ryoko appear in that way. I mean, only a moron would... oh, wait, I think I did the same thing myself... nevermind.
I like Ryoko, so I started reading this. The quality of the writing is rather good, so there weren't many annoying mistakes. There are more at the later chapters, which to me suggests that you're getting more eager to finish the story, or perhaps more tired of correcting things and reading it through. Anyway, since it was overall a good story, I'm going to be a little more critical than usual, as the flaws stand out more.
First of all, I didn't relate well with Alan. He's very bland, and doesn't really develop a personality of his own. He's sort of like Kyon, but not as snarky, nor as insightful. More personality, and more reactions would help a lot in his case. Considering his main purpose was for the reader to identify with, he failed for me. The rest of the characters have little personality as well, so it's not just him. More chemistry between them would raise the quality a lot.
Things move too quickly at times. It's more telling than showing. Try to pace it down, and describe the scenes in more detail, so they're not just blown through. It can also help with making sure the readers know who's talking. This goes especially when more than one person can logically say the phrases.
There were some plot holes, irregularities, or other errors I noticed as well. Yuki wouldn't be that careful about letting them in. She'd know who they were, and wouldn't require that much identification. Ryoko's memory loss would've been much more obvious to her old friends, unless they're complete ditzes. She was a person who kept track of the whole class, and you can't really do that with a memory loss like hers. Kyon got over Ryoko's earlier transgressions a little too easy. Then again, maybe I'm not one who should say anything about that...
Two hours running practice isn't realistic. As both Alan and Kyon are described as lazy, just being able to run for two hours makes them not lazy, as that's about half a marathon, nevermind the fact that it's not effective to exercise that long, continuously. Also, for being lazy, Alan seems to like walking a lot.
The whole part about the club and funding is all wrong. They don't have any funding, a single person more wouldn't affect funding even if they had any, and I'm not sure the club is even recognised officially by the school at any part. At most, it's allowed to remain as long as it pretends to be the Literature Club, as they'd otherwise get kicked out.
Now, the good parts.
When Alan answered Haruhi's thoughts, it felt mostly like you wanted to pick up the slack Kyon left. However, it's a good piece of monologue. It wasn't over the top, and it wasn't dull either. It's also probably the one part I could emphasise a little with Alan. While it's normally not that common to go sprouting such things, if you hear someone like Haruhi telling a story like that, if you at all start to think about it, you're going to have something to say by the end of it.
While she wasn't in it much, the "real" Ryoko had a good personality, and the strongest one out of the bunch, as I felt it. She's happy, but lethal. The way the human version of her understood a little more than the original did was a nice touch, but sadly it didn't get more than that, as it was just at the end of the fic.
And as I said at the top, the writing is good. Just remember to keep it up throughout the story. It's also nice to see someone who doesn't say how much the story sucks every time author's notes appears. Confidence is better, as long as it doesn't go overboard, and it opens better for dialogue, if that's what you want.
I noticed several similarities with my own fic, though I won't comment on those.
| devious-sos chapter 1 . 2/22/2010
You uploaded it _
Yeah I think you should do it chapter at a time so the readers can keep up with the pace.
Let's say you would upload a chapter every 3 days if you have it ready.
It gives the readers time, and a schedule (:
Keep up the good work!
| Broken Kilter Express chapter 1 . 2/21/2010
Well it seems that I in turn get to be the first reviewer of your fic.
Im not sure if you know this, that WOHS is based on an old fanfic by TUNAFishisgood called How Do I Go Back? Someone else missed that. No biggie, people just need to know about it.
There is a few mistakes:
She turned to me with a distained look, not that I didn’t expect this. She whispered back
It just needs a period at end, and "distained" should be spelled as "disdained"
In the end, it seems a good start. If you are that new to the Haruhi Fanfiction forum and like Ryoko as a character, I suggest the Humanity of Asakura Ryoko by Einootspork, I believe you'll possibly enjoy it.
And a suggestion, never publish more than a chapter at a time. That way, people are more likely to review your work in higher numbers.
I'll give the other chapters a look later. I hope to see and hear more from you.