|Reviews for Sliders: The New Genesis|
| Valkara chapter 9 . 1/30/2011
I just finished reading your story, and it is absolutely not fair to keep us dangling on a cliffhanger! Of the four original characters in Sliders, the Professor was my favorite, so to find a story with him as the main character is a real treat.
Please try to finish this story, as it's enjoyable and does make me want to know what happens next!
My only reservation is the explanation for the time differential of the two universes... a 13-hour day would not result in anything remotely like our own Earth as far as it even being able to support life, never mind nearly identical life situations among the same people!
| Sean Mulligan chapter 1 . 7/14/2010
Why was Chavez so quick to jump to the conclusion that Arturo was planning to steal the timer? Arturo may have commited fraud but he had not commited the constitutional definition of treason.
| Susanne chapter 7 . 4/30/2010
Hi again. Meanwhile, I have read the other reviews and I also did realize the grammatical and spelling issues which are a bit confusing - especially to someone who is not a native speaker of English. But as German is my maternal language I won't comment on that.
Instead, I want to draw your attention to something else I have realized having read all the chapters by now: You are using the Professor's characteristics of speech (such as "my good fellow", "my dear...") a bit too often and sometimes in places not suitable (as "my dear Mr. President" addressing the older Jason for the first time). Although using these characteristic pieces definitely makes the Professor sound like himself, in my opinion, they should be used more sparingly in order not to destroy the unique impression by exaggeration.
As to variations of verbs I don't know by what means English style is judged. But in German, while trying not to be monotone, one also should avoid to exaggerate variation in verbs introducing or concluding speech. Rather, one should try to convey the mood and tone by the speech itself instead. I am interested in knowing how this is judged in English, if somebody likes to comment on this.
I hope that my suggestions do help you and I think it's a very good idea to encourage comments. And I would like to read more about Arturo, Jason and Maria. Will there be any continuation?
| Susanne chapter 1 . 4/30/2010
Hello. As the Professor is the one who matters most for me, I like the idea, although I am no supporter of the PTSS hypothese (I have discussed this extensively on the earthprime board including the new information from Tracy Tormé which confirmed my original view of what happened in the writing process). In any case, I think your approach is original and very interesting. Many thanks for sharing your idea with total strangers without charging! I'm very curious about the next chapter.
Just two minor critical remarks (knowing from own experience that it is much easier to criticize than to write, so don't take it too seriously :-)):
1) It seems to me that the professor starts a bit early to call Jason Chavez "my boy". He hasn't ceased to regularly (although with exceptions) call Quinn "Mr. Mallory" and Wade "Ms. Wells" all over the three seasons he was in and I think he started to call Quinn "my boy" not before they were through some adventures together. So, it is a bit irritating when he directly goes from "Colonel" to "my boy" just because they have decided to slide together.
2) It is not clear to me why Chavez does hate his life on his world so much that he would rather take the risk of random sliding for the rest of his life than stay there. Perhaps I have overlooked something or I'm just ill-informed (as someone not being American and not living in the US), but as a Colonel doesn't he have a secure salary thanks to which he could afford to marry and have children? Maybe one line explaining the conditions making him feel as he does would suffice.
By the way: Very good exposition! You managed to communicate the necessary information without disturbing the scene setting. That's really hard work and done very well in your first chapter.
| Mirwalker chapter 1 . 2/26/2010
Beta-esque comments, much in line with character-absquatulation's...
I like the quick review of how the Professor came to be in this world, and therefore why he wants to get away (get back) so much. You also move us along quickly to their departure, so I’ll assume the bulk of the story happens once they slide? (look foward to it!) If not, perhaps give us a little more understanding why Chavez wants to get away, or introduce General Strong earlier so we know him when he interrupts their slide. (I do wonder if we won't be seeing more of him in the future... :-) )
I particularly like the few chances we get to hear the thoughts of the characters as they prepare to slide –really helps us understand and identify with them. I would suggest giving us more of these moments ‘hearing’ what the characters are feeling and thinking!
The only other improvement suggestions I have are around writing mechanics- things to consider/correct to help the reader more easily follow your creative plot and characters:
You begin with verbs in the past tense, then switch into the present tense for the rest of the story. Using the present tense, rather than the past tense, is an unusual choice, and can be distracting. Note that most stories on the fanfic site (like most literature) use past tense; for example, “they went into the room” rather than the more TV/movie/stage direction-sounding “they go into the room”. Make sure it reads as you want it to either way, and stick with one or the other tense.
Quotation/dialogue is generally punctuated with a comma just before the quotation marks, unless it is a question or exclamation. For example, ”You should go into the room,” said David. Jane responded, “I don’t want to.” Similarly, when naming someone (by name or title) when speaking to them, that naming is also separated by a comma. “David, are you in the room?” asked Jane. “Yes, mam; I am,” he replied.
Careful also with apostrophes and contractions. Apostrophes are used used to show possessive case or when a letter or letters have been left out: “Your” “belongs to you”; “You’re” is short for “You are” or “you were.” Similarly, “it’s” is a short form of “it is,” “it was” or “it has”; “its” is the possessive form. “Let’s” is short for “Let us;” "lets" "allows" And, if you leave off the final ‘g’ of verbs (in the casual dialogue character-absquatulation mentioned) –such as hitting hittin, add a single apostrophe to show it’s not a misspelling, but rather a informal usage: Hittin’ Goin’ Sayin’ and so on.
Try a little variety in your verbs describing dialogue; you use “asks” and “says” almost every time, and so miss out on chances to more richly describe the dialogue. Give us a little more description of the speaker’s emotion, by varying the words: Try substitutes like demanded, gasped, exclaimed, responded, hoped, etc. In some cases, you don’t even need any verb or identified speaker, as it can be clear from the content who has spoken.
“Then” is the word used to describe time, as in “just then...” “Than” is used to compare things: more/less “than”
Finally, the Professor's first name is Arturo (no 'u' after the nitial 'A').
Overall, an intriguing new start for the Professor! Thanks for sharing this beginning with us, and for the invitation to help you make the tale even stronger.
| character-absquatulation chapter 4 . 2/25/2010
Hey... responding to your beta request:
First off, there's a bunch of minor grammatical issues that I'd be happy to help with. The most noticeable for me are the shifts between past and present tense.
I'm intrigued by the way you emphasize visual cues and dialogue, the same way television has to, over internal monologues and florid prose. Those are interesting stylistic choices, and I think your story could benefit by leaning even harder in that direction, which is something I'd love to chat about if you're interested.
I'm noticing a tendency to favor informal tone in your dialogue, particularly for the voices of original characters. I think that works well in places; it gives Jason an impetuous personality, for example, and sounds really genuine when it comes from the cops in chapter 4. When Maria and the military character from chapter 2 talk the same way, though, things get muddled. Your characterizations could really benefit from more diversified speech.
Those are my big points on a first read. Does any of that feel helpful?