|Reviews for One of Us|
| Izzu chapter 1 . 7/6/2010
Quite... interesting. XDDDDD
I liked how you had paced the scenes and all... and even if incest wasn't my thing and stuff, it had been a good read.
And now, hopefully you don't take offense. I usually try to give constructive crits to fics that I liked, because typos and other mistakes was something... if possible, be fixed. Because this was a good story and I feel bad if not many people could appreciate it.
Firstly, on a few paragraphs earlier, you had used the word 'loosing' instead of 'losing' when the later was the one you're supposed to be using. Loosing means opposite to tightening, to which I don't think that's the word you intended. There were other mistakes, but at least those you can easily pick up using any simple spell checker.
And a tip? It's better when you're using dialogues in your story to always start with a new paragraph whenever the speaker has changed. It would be less confusing like that. Because half the time I got confused on who had been talking at certain points and had to reread them again.
That aside, considering Otoya knew of J's real name, shouldn't he be calling him by his real name? It would be understandable if Fujimaru (or any other people) would want to keep calling him as J, but considering the plot of this fic...? Anyway it was just a suggestion and sorry if this comment gets a bit longish.
| Jamaican Princess Rocquellan chapter 1 . 5/2/2010
yush! totally loving it :)