Reviews for Four o'clock is the worst time of the morning
AlyAngel chapter 7 . 3/23/2010
aww poor shawn :( hope those 'cops' get whats coming to them

cant wait for the next chapter :D really good
CrazyInLoveWithStabler chapter 7 . 3/23/2010
wow i like this chp keep it up poor shawn i hope lassie can help him!
anonymous chapter 5 . 3/17/2010
Okay first off I just want to say don't make a Shassie story okay. That would just be weird. Second, awesome job. I can't wait to hear the rest. I always thought Shawn was a little to happy for a regular person. Keep up the awesome work. And update soon!
Syntyche chapter 5 . 3/16/2010
So far so good! I prolly won't stick around if it gets all slashy, not my thing, but ambiguity I can do. lol. I'm actually really interested to see where this is going, so I hope you have a chance to update soon. 'Little Lassiter's room' still makes me laugh.
invisalite chapter 5 . 3/16/2010
Things are looking better and better every chapter!

Quotation punctuation is better, but that's maybe because the format was a bit different this time.


As she looked through the filing cabinets, she thought to herself.

It's weird that Shawn didn't call me himself. And what was he doing hanging around with Lassiter, anyway? They aren't exactly the best of friends.

-This is a bit weird of wording and formatting... But I get what you're trying to say.

He'd come into work after signing himself out of (the) hospital AMA from a gunshot wound.

Or the freak(')s going down."

What was all that about? She opened the door a crack and looked through.

-I think you could put in a "Juliet wondered," but that's just me.

She did a walkthrough of the apartment, desperately resisting the urge to yell 'Clear!' in every room she'd checked.

-I don't know about Juliet's characterization, but somehow I don't think she'd do that.

(I)f those guys were talking about Shawn...

What if that's why he'(d) stopped coming in?

Does Lassiter know?

-Does should be did

You still might want to check through for tense changes. It's hard, but if your tense keeps changing, grammar goes haywire and it's hard to read.

xoxoshannon1979 chapter 5 . 3/16/2010
Man wonder what Jules gonna do seeing Shawn tie up to Lassie's bed. More soon
darkemochic chapter 5 . 3/16/2010
O.O pineapple. And bed. hehehe. im pervish.
heartfallen chapter 4 . 3/14/2010
Awesome story. I can't wait for more
xoxoshannon1979 chapter 4 . 3/12/2010
gladyou updated i so want Shawn to tell us how he got hurt. More Soon
darkemochic chapter 4 . 3/12/2010
oh, this seems ever so entertaining. i think i mite just follow it.
invisalite chapter 4 . 3/11/2010
This is looking better. Thanks for taking my advice! Your characterizations are a bit rough, but that's okay because that is definitely the hardest point of writing fanfic.

Okay, concrit time!

He went into the spare bedroom and was surprised at how young and vulnerable the man looked.

-Um... the last part of this sentence seems a little superfluous. I know that you're trying to emphasize these characteristics, but maybe you should just harp on the vulnerability because Lassiter's already used to Shawn acting young.

He took a step forward, meaning to shake the other man awake, and then he noticed that Shawn's shirt had ridden up some time in the night.

-I think that maybe you should say "As he took a step forward to shake the other man awake, he noticed..." It might make the sentence less choppy.

...there was a selection of multi-coloured bruising down his ribs.

-This seems a little awkward that it's a "selection" of bruising. I get what you're trying to say, but if you could say it in another word, that'd make the visualization even better.

"Spencer! Wake up!" Lassiter shook the sleeping man's shoulder, fury rising within him. The Psychic may (have) been an annoying fraud and cheat, but he was Lassiter's (f)raud.

-I don't think Lassiter would get that jealous about Shawn kissing a monkey in a dream. Sure, he might be the jealous type, but I don't think he'd get THAT jealous. And also, to keep the parallelism together, you'd have to say "...he was Lassiter's fraud and cheat."

"...Now() hurry up and unchain me, I need to use the little Lassiter(s) room."

-Maybe it's just me, but the first part of this sentence sounds a little TOO childish for Shawn, if there ever was such a thing.

"I can honestly say I never envisaged you saying that."

-I think it's envisioned


"...Don't worry, you've had no calls."

-You've had no calls sounds awkward. Would anyone say that in real life? I think he'd say "Don't worry, nobody called you."

Lassiter pulled him upright and walked him to the bedroom.

-I thought he was going to the bathroom?

Gus hadn't called him. The last time Gus hadn't called in this long... oh. What (day) was it again? He had been a little overwhelmed with the last case, but if it was the (day) he thought it was...

-This is awkward because of the formatting. It'd help with the power of the statement if it was on the next line.

As Shawn brushed his teeth (with) a thoughtfully provided spare (tooth)brush...

Spencer was (hurt).


How had he not noticed this?

-This is really an awkward way of saying "How could he have not noticed this."

He should just hand in his Detectives badge. Shawn was depressed and he didn't see it.

-Detective doesn't need to be capitalized here.

-Didn't should be couldn't. Please work on your tenses.

...he was getting answers. For once, and for all.

-This is an awkward way of using the idiom. I think it should go, "...he was getting answers, once and for all." But it might even sound better just with, "...he was getting answers."

"Really Lassie, I like bondage as much as the next guy, it's funsies, but seriously, think we can lose the chains?"

-There are so many unnecessary comma splices here, it's kinda ridiculous. Please try to fix this.

"This is a game to you? A game!"

-"Is this a game to you? A game?"

'Oh, look at me, I'm so hilarious, and I'm psychic too, yoo hoo, look at me!'

-I don't think Lassiter would ever say this, even if he were drunk. into green.

-I've never ever seen this used to describe people staring at each other. It'd be better to stick with the conventional " meeting green."

"That's right, she has an eidetic tonal memory..."

-Are you sure that's the correct terminology? It seems that it'd be an eidetic auditory memory or something like that. "Tonal" isn't necessarily associated with hearing, it's more associated with speaking.

Lassiter honestly wasn't sure whether he wanted to punch Henry Spencer or shake his hand. How could anyone do that to a kid?

-I know that Lassiter would feel pity for Shawn, but then he's on better terms with Henry than he is with Shawn. Relatively, so I don't think that he'd want to punch Henry. He respects him too much for that.

And that's that! Hope you get the plot worked out, and hope to see an update! I'm looking forward to it.

xoxoshannon1979 chapter 3 . 3/10/2010
I like it! Hope you updated soon
invisalite chapter 3 . 3/9/2010
This is an interesting story so far. I'm liking it.

Things to work on:

Formatting - See some other fanfictions. Each line of speech is separate, and stuff. It helps with smooth reading.

Tenses - At the beginning of chapter one, you start in present tense. I don't know if you were conscious of it or not, but you switched into past tense somewhere along there. It's a small thing, but it breaks down your credo as a writer.

I'm looking forward to seeing the next chapter!

FlapperFinzNoNames10201303 chapter 3 . 3/9/2010
I LOVE IT! Sorry for the short vagueness, I wanted to review but I have to go to a dinner xP _ Cant wait for more! ~Nayah
DoctorStalker chapter 2 . 3/9/2010
Lol shawn's pro-ness in this fic. Lassy is def gonna have his hands full. Hope he chases down our favourite faux psychic soon :p
156 | « Prev Page 1 .. 7 8 9 10 11 Next »