Reviews for Family Ties
Ashlan chapter 13 . 12/5/2013
...and now that discontinued makes us angry.

its almost 2 years, but please finish ONLY this one! this story is too good to leave. I am truly regret that Im reading this because I wont forget this fic EVER! PLEASE FINISH IT! STOP KILING UUUUSSS!
Ashlan chapter 13 . 12/5/2013
...too long this discontinued?
hitomi65 chapter 13 . 2/7/2013
nice chapter
BriggsZX chapter 13 . 10/15/2012
Please update yukiko.
Its been more than 2-4 months without you updating this story.
its a very nice story amd i would like to see the ending. So
Cielshadow17 chapter 13 . 9/20/2012
This is really good you have to update so David can find Rush! Please please please update soon!
mimic shalle chapter 13 . 7/7/2011
Before you start this is going to be long and it’s not flowers and sunshine. I hope you will consider and think about what will be said in this review seriously because, frankly, I have taken time and effort to critique your work since none of your other reviews had as extensively (this is not even that extensive). Be reminded that this is not a flame, it’s a critique meant for your growth as a writer but if you’re not interested, feel free to ignore and delete this review.

Review Proper:

Rush is not a commoner. It would be prudent to observe the subtle implications in the game, especially the family ties. Also 'she' (Rush) is not a queen, 'her' title is "Duchess" since 'her' husband is a "Duke." If you want to change their titles to "King" and "Queen" kindly justify it not just by dropping an AN saying it'll fit the story, that's irresponsible writing. In any case, you still haven't upped their status even after that AN.

How you address a noble will depend on their title. As an example you can call those with the title Duke and below as 'Lord' or 'Lady.' For formalities it's "Your Grace" for Dukes and "Your Excellency" for Counts all the way down to Court Barons. Although a Duke/Duchess has equal rank to that of Princes or Princesses the royal family has their own proper address: 'Highness' for the royal children and "Majesty" for the King and Queen.

Putting this aside, you've downgraded David's as of chapter 13. From Duke (his title before the end of the game) he reverted back to a Marquis. Make up your mind.

Watch how you use your words too. I forgot what chapter it was but you told us (take note of 'told,' you didn't 'showed') that Rush was 'giddy' when David kept 'her' in the dark. Giddy means either 'dizzy' or 'happy' in which case none was appropriate in that particular instance. If you were aiming for ‘dizzy,’ is Rush sick or something?

The insertion of the song was distracting (ANs in the middle of a chapter included). You could have made do without it. If your scene was properly executed it could have stood alone without any gimmicks. If you're aiming for word count, don't. A good chapter is not measured by how long or how short it is, it's the matter of how you execute it.

For the matter of character description, stop dropping it in blocks/walls of drivel. Please. I already forgot what Alexis looks like. Be consistent too. First you said Rush has obsidian eyes then you implied that he has cobalt eyes (with the description of the new borne babies). Which is it? Black or blue? Does Rush have a secret stash of contacts in his drawer? AND CAPITALIZATION OF ALL WORDS IN A DIALOGUE IS TACKY, AMATEURISH AND CRUDE (there are exceptions of course, but you should know when to apply CAPS and when to not and who should only use it).

Let’s go to your dialogue since it was mentioned earlier. Before you let those words leave from your characters’ mouths, think. THINK. For the love of all good and holy, THINK. You’re playing with highly educated, witty, and mature men and women here. You’re making them look, think, and sound stupid with their babbles.


“Actually, the Nassau family always wanted Lord David's title and would go through extreme measures in doing so. Once they push Lord David's father into marrying one of the noble's daughter, luckily his mother was there to stop their plan." –Emmy, Chapter Two.

Can you find anything wrong with this? No? Let’s deconstruct it so you would see for yourself:

“The Nassau family always wanted Lord David’s title” The Nassau family. David Nassau. By saying the Nassau Family should I be under the impression that David is not a Nassau? You treated it like The Nassau Family and the ‘Nassau’ in David's name are two different families.

“They pushed Lord David’s father to marry a noble woman…” meaning David’s mother is not a noble? And what’s so bad about marrying a noble when the family is of noble lineage themselves? And should I be thinking that the ‘noble’s daughter’ is a bad person? How would they know, because she was picked by the past head of the family (aka David’s grandfather or grandmother)? It’s normal to marry another noble with this kind of family setting and it’s not that unusual to have an arranged marriage. And who is that ‘noble’ anyway? Some unnamed buffoon not worth mentioning?

“…luckily his mother was there to stop their plan.” Plan for what? Plan for snatching the power of authority from David’s father? Very unlikely, because if at that time Grandpa Nassau is still alive he still has the title of Marquis, not David’s father. David’s father would only get this title when Grandpa kicks the bucket or when he voluntarily steps down from the position. There is also a glaring hole in this too, why should you plan on snatching the power when you already have it? They’re Nassaus so technically they don’t have to snatch it, it’ll all boil down on who’s the heir. As a side note the wife of a noble has no say on who should marry the next heir unless said noble’s wife is of superior nobility than the husband (take for example, Queen Victoria. Her husband never became King Albert, only Prince Consort). Continuing on, another question to add is whose mother are we talking about here? David’s or his father’s? Clearly you meant David’s just by going with the fact that Serina (David’s father’s mother) is the villain, but it wasn’t so clear cut in that sentence. Anyway, who is David’s mother? Why does she have a say in a personal family affair if she’s not a noble (as implied by the dialogue)? Who in the seven hell does she think she is? For that matter, does Grandpa Nassau even approve of her? If he didn’t, David shouldn’t even be sitting in the ‘throne’ room (Why? Simply put, disobey the head and you shall be disinherited and David will never, never, be considered as a legitimate heir). If he did and Serina didn’t, well, never minding the dialogue for now, you can have a very interesting back story or family ‘feud’ (as you put it). Why Serina could have very well poisoned her husband, no?

That’s just one line of dialogue but it’s already teeming with problems. It would be wise to watch what you make them say from now on.

As for your nobles, they don't exude the aura of nobles, more like harpies and trolls, not very noble at all. Watch a few English movies like 'The Other Boleyn Girl," "Elizabeth," "The Young Victoria," "The Count of Monte Cristo," “The Duchess,” and others to know how a noble should act (or you can read historical novels if you're up to it or you can watch Code Geass but it’s not very recommendable to base your characterization with them). And as nobles, their vocab is quite limited. Serina could have told Rush that 'she' was 'ugly' without even uttering the word and she could do more— better- than 'ugly' for an insult. They're not kindergartners.

Just a tad worried about Rush's mental health. He's quite placated to the fact that he's a girl even though he spent the majority of his life being a guy. I'm not a psych major but shouldn't there be at least some bit of an identity crisis within the Remnant boy? Insecurities? Confusion? Not even questioning David's love? That he only likes him now because he's a girl? That he only married him because he could make little Athlum heirs? No? And his pregnancy! It would have been nine months of stress, both physical and mental, and after giving birth Rush could even suffer from Postpartum Depression (PPD). (If you want to know what I'm talking about you can read ‘Returning Echoes’ from the Fullmetal Alchemist's section, written by silkendreammaid, given that Edward isn't pregnant with Mustang's kid but the confusion mentioned will be there, just be patient with the story since it's mostly narrative, as for PPD search it around the net).

What I'm getting at is you could have a really rich story during those nine months and first few years after the kids were born. The title is "Family Ties" and the summary is "Raising a family." You haven't done that 'raising' bit. Ah, but, you have your plans right? Continue on with it but I do hope you'll consider the implications of your characters' actions, what they say and what they do. And make them grow. After the past 13 chapters, they have yet to show signs of 'growing.'

Moving on, when you’re writing numbers in a formal setting, you either use AP Style or CMS. Pick one and be consistent. You’re mixing the two or not even using either one. For AP Style, you spell out numbers from one to nine and 10 and above are in numerical form. For CMS, spell out zero to ninety-nine and 100 and above are in numerical form. There are certain rules for this and it would be prudent to know what they are and of course don’t forget grammar. Grammar is a pain in the behind but its bread and butter to writers.

In a brighter note, after all have been said, chapter 13 was by far the best among all the chapters. Though it's still plagued with problems, there was a dramatic jump of improvement from chapter 12 to 13.

Well that is all.

yin13147 chapter 13 . 7/6/2011
I'm glad you finally updated. And the chapter was really short but it was great anyway. Any story you make is great. Now what does Aaron intend to do with Rush?
MsSupreme chapter 13 . 7/6/2011
finally! XD

daves found his kids at last :):) now all he needs to do is find rush! update soon PLEASE!
Ruby7777 chapter 12 . 6/9/2011
please please hurry and make the next story i cant wait to read it please hurry i am in so much suspense right now your stories are so wonderful and they keep me on the edge of my seat loved returns and family ties hurry with the sequel cant wait to read it
Prince029 chapter 12 . 6/1/2011
I must admit there are certain instances in the story where the song fits. Moving on, the whole twist of parting managed to raise my curiosity on what's next. Though the scene can be a bit cliched, sacrifice whatsoever, portraying realistic tendencies with the heroes give off credible act for me. Oh well just me..
yin13147 chapter 12 . 9/8/2010
Whew! I'm glad Dave is alive once more, but I'm heartbroken again that Rush sacrificed her life of being with them to save Dave's life. I really hate Aaron for being one hell of a selfish jerk. No less, the chapter is very sweet and touching. Good luck again! :)
MsSupreme chapter 12 . 9/8/2010
well...i really dont like lord aaron but atleast dave is alive again :/ keep goin i wanna find out when rush and dave meet again XD if they meet that is :/
MsSupreme chapter 11 . 9/6/2010
oh my god! *shivers and shakes* YOU KILLED DAVE! AHHHHHHHH NO FAIR! plz say he lives he cant die :O NO! getting good though XD
yin13147 chapter 11 . 9/2/2010
WHAT THE... Dave is dead? I don't believe it! It was a good chapter, but my heart almost broke in two when I realized that Dave is the dead cloaked man, same with Rush crying. Waht's more, I hate his grandmotehr, such a cold psychopath. If the same thing happened to ther, she'll probably give the same reaction as they did. I also hate the evil cloaked man, getting revenge at them just because Dave refused to marry his daughter. Nonetheless, I hope he'll be resurrected, for I know he'll never be dead. He's every Last Remnant girl player's favorite after all. I'll wait for the rest of the story. Good luck!
yin13147 chapter 10 . 8/31/2010
Wow! That is awesome. I forgot to review since I got busy with My Fantasy and my other IchiHitsu fanfics. I love it, Rush and Dave are now the 'King and Queen of Athlum'! Hope you'll update soon. I love it! XD
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