Reviews for TMHC: Rise of the Kitsune Kage
my 2 guys chapter 11 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
my 2 guys chapter 10 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
my 2 guys chapter 9 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
my 2 guys chapter 8 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
my 2 guys chapter 7 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
my 2 guys chapter 6 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
my 2 guys chapter 4 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
my 2 guys chapter 3 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
my 2 guys chapter 2 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
my 2 guys chapter 1 . 6/28/2016
that was good keep the chapters coming
Spidey2 chapter 12 . 6/10/2016
Love this! Keep going!
scout360pyro chapter 4 . 5/5/2016
I think I have a handle on why I feel your writing is "half baked" as I put it.
I said in my last review that your writing was only showing me half at best of what you were picturing. The reason why comes down to something very simple. Substance.
You use VERY few words to describe what is going on in your story. Most of it is pure dialogue.
That may work for a movie script but this is writing, where you TELL your audience what is going on.

Your story reads like a mere summary of a story, like a court reporter's transcription of events. You are only capturing the bare boned surface of what is going on with your words, and need to flesh it out a bit. Ultimately this is merely a skeleton of a story, not a fully fledged story in and of itself.

You need to go DEEPER than mere dialogue and a single sentence about a character's actions. You don't even mention their feelings and thoughts at all. If you are able to picture these people reacting and talking to each other as much as you have so far, you MUST, on some level, be thinking of more than what they are simply saying. But you are not writing about any of that, and as a result the whole damn story feels lazy and detached.
scout360pyro chapter 3 . 5/5/2016
Yeah... as I said in an earlier review, your ideas on how this story should play out are not bad. You definitely have a firm grasp of how you want various people's personalities to be, and they all seem to fit in my opinion. Its a bit difficult for me to picture as I read, but the interactions of Naruto with others definitely fit how he would be at this point in time, considering what he has been through in cannon and with the events of the fanfic so far. Naruto's greeting of Tazuna is classic Naruto.

That said I can't help but feel that you are rushing the relationships in this story.
Actually... perhaps that is what my issue with the story is. The whole thing feels rushed, like not enough words are being used to describe what is going on, and as a result I can't get a clear picture of what the setting is in a particular scene, or the thoughts and feelings of the characters with their interactions.

I think that you are heavily relying on people to use their memories and knowledge of the canon Naruto series to fill in the gaps, and while it technically works, it is sloppy and makes for sub-par writing in my opinion. You have created a divergent timeline, and are having the characters exposed to very different and highly influential situations with the whole Clan restoration thing, but instead of having the characters develop accordingly you are sort of shoving them together and leaving what sort of things they may be going through completely unwritten. I can see Naruto being written like this because he is used to putting up a front and hiding things he doesn't want to deal with. As for the others... I just don't see it.

I can SEE that you HAVE a good story there in your head, but what you have written only lets me see half of what you see, at best.
scout360pyro chapter 2 . 5/5/2016
Damn... Look. I really hate to say this... seeing as you are one of the few people WILLING to fucking make an effort on this challenge... but your writing of this story is... well.

Its half-baked. Nothing special. Average for fanfiction in general, which unfortunately translates to sub-par. I don't like saying this, but that is how I see it. I have ready many many fanfictions, and over time have gotten a fairly good feel for the quality of the writing in them.

The worst part about all this is that I DON'T THINK I COULD DO BETTER.

I am a reader, not a writer. And I don't understand what makes the writing quality of a fanfiction good or bad on a high enough level to tell you what I think you are doing wrong.

This isn't necessarily a BAD story as far as fanfiction goes (when it comes to the writing QUALITY, NOT the specific ideas you had on how things should happen, but the WRITING of them), but neither is it particularly good either.

That said. Don't stop writing. To paraphrase a character from another fanfiction, even a finished mediocre work is better than an unfinished masterpiece. Up till now, no one has completed this challenge. And what is more is that I suspect that if you continue to write you will get better on your own, as I have seen other authors do the same.

Besides, one of my old favorites, Naruto One Man Team, technically is written just as well as this story so far...
scout360pyro chapter 1 . 5/5/2016
Well then. Its good to see that there are people still trying to complete this challenge. That said I can't help but be a bit of a critic. You seem to be making things really easy for Naruto's side. No glory for Sasuke, totally sealed, laws that essentially fuck over Danzo and the Hyuuga and that more or less will bankrupt kohona depending on how long some people have been sealed.

Meh, you got plenty of ways to make things challenging, if you want to. And technically speaking I am not surprised that Tsunade would make those laws and have Jiraiya seal Sasuke like that, either.
It DOES fit and makes sense, but things seem kind of... easy? I don't know. The writing just feela a bit rushed for some reason, which IS fairly common for the start of a fanfiction. Hell, one of the best Naruto Fanfictions I know of had a rocky feeling first chapter.

So then, lets see what else you have written...
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