|Reviews for Five|
| bubble.duckie chapter 1 . 10/27/2010
I just love your Shiznat fics! Is it possible to favorite you again "wink". Good job!
| colorfulsunrise514 chapter 1 . 4/9/2010
Marvelous story! Love the very ending.
| lurk-a-lot chapter 1 . 3/19/2010
I thought this was gonna end badly, but I'm glad it didn't. _ Cool little one-shot, thanks for the entertaining read. Cheers!
| Bleeding Hopes chapter 1 . 3/14/2010
Another lovely story! Thanks for the read!
| Blessed Are The Sick chapter 1 . 3/10/2010
Excellent work. It's hard for me to name positive qualities in a fic, mostly because I hardly ever do, but here goes:
Your choice of words really dropped me into this fic, which was one of the most important things considering the scenario that you set up. Each action is clearly defined, and used so that the reader really feels drawn into the situation.
Your writing is clean-cut for the most part (aside from a few hiccups). You say what you need to say, linger a little when you need to, and then move on. Nothing about it really sticks out as distinctive in my mind, though I guess I'd have to read more than a 1,500 word one-shot to get a sense of your style.
And, though there isn't much space to mess anything up, Natsuki and Shizuru seem to be very well in-character.
A few nitpicky technical issues, though:
'time had *certainly* slowed to a crawl once the barrel was pointed *directly* at her face' - I'd usually get onto you about the adverbs, but seeing as you're trying to slow things down (and seeing how it's Shizuru), I'm not too sure it's much of a problem.
'The grip on her shoulders was *slightly* painful in its intensity,'
'The touch was light but still stung *slightly*'
those probably need to go away. 'slightly painful' can be replaced with a single, stronger word. The 'slightly' in 'stung slightly' can be dropped, since (used in this sense) stung is already indicating a low, but sharp degree of pain.
The rest of the abverbs seem appropriate and well-placed (besides a couple that I personally wouldn't use, but see no other problem with).
'A large cat.'
That seems really tame to me. I know that you meant a more ferocious cat when you wrote this (like a panther, as you wrote later on), but I couldn't help picturing an abnormally large house-cat mauling the robber when I first read that. It's probably a personal thing, though, and not a big deal. Take it or leave it.
Really minor issue here, but I think I would actually let Natsuki acknowledge Shizuru as Shizuru before you start using her name in your text. Obviously, we know that the victim is Shizuru by then, but leaving Natsuki's identity a secret until Shizuru reveals her name in the dialogue, and then just popping Shizuru's name into the text seems uneven.
Just some typos:
'and the closed her eyes as her mind sent out an apology.'
'and received and angry, jerky nod in reply'
Overall, a well-executed and ultimately sweet piece of Shiz/Nat. Again, excellent work.
| dsaANON chapter 1 . 3/7/2010
T.T I was so scared it was going to be an unhappy ending, I'm glad it turned out sweet! I can't believe they didn't take his ass to jail (but then again the annoying justice system in this world today would have charged Natsuki for assault, gr annoying world!)
anyways thnx for the one shot! -
| ShadowCub chapter 1 . 3/7/2010
That guy got his wig split good by Natsuki!
| mrerice chapter 1 . 3/7/2010
In my mind I can just see a follow up with the rest of the Mai-hime crew, where Shizuru relates the incidence to their friends and poor Natsuki will never here the end of it from Nao. Nao would definately not let the mutt live it down that she almost got Shizuru hurt because of mayo.
| eclairz chapter 1 . 3/6/2010
oh, this is sweet.
| justme chapter 1 . 3/6/2010
Brilliant. Thank you for sharing
| unknown chapter 1 . 3/5/2010
very nice [undersatement].
| Ushiromae chapter 1 . 3/5/2010
Bravo. Another masterpiece, J. :3 I loved it.
| TFKK chapter 1 . 3/5/2010
Short but packed :)
Applause for how you drew Shizuru Natsuki relationship in that kind of situation.
| depression76 chapter 1 . 3/5/2010
You must be flowing with imagination O.O
Thumbs up for this fic. great characterization X)
I like when natsuki asks "are you still able to dodge bullets?"
This mad image of natsuki holding a negi (as though its a gun) against shizuru came into my mind negi I dunno.
see you around soon?
have a nice day!
| Ryoko-hime chapter 1 . 3/5/2010
Loved the middle part with the slow-mo time counting and the action. And of course the image of Natsuki as a jungle cat about to ponce on her enemy and rip him to shreds XD
Not really sure why Shizuru would even *briefly* entertain the thought of feeling *any* kind of pity or compassion for the man who just tried to murder her.
And I'm just fascinated to know what inspired you to write this piece 3
Wonderful, lovely writing as always! Always look forward to your work D