|Reviews for Suna's Mental Asylum|
| Wash in with WAVES chapter 1 . 9/14/2010
This story has a huge "SUCKED" slapped on the back. Gaara is my favorite character in the Naruto series, and I think you just insulted his personality. I really think you did.
Label it as an AU if it is, dammit! I couldn't even stand reading the second chapter!
Your character also sucks! I don't even know how she got hired as a nurse at the asylum, because I know one thing. She sucked at it. She's also too friendly and calm. I mean, c'mon, Gaara just killed, what, five guards, and she's going to allow him to get away with it?
Is Aoihi even a real name? And Akatsuki? Fuck, no.
You need to fill in the damn holes in your story. I'm very bad at writing my own stories, but I know a good story when I read one, and this story doesn't imply.
Maybe you should reconsider rewriting this ENTIRE story.
Whoever hates this story, I second your notion.
| heartlessRayne chapter 9 . 8/22/2010
AHHHH! WRITE MORE! PLEASE!
| O Escritor chapter 9 . 8/10/2010
If I could afford the wood, I would have your mouth boarded up. After four years of reading on this site, I am still amazed that stories like this exist, as I though people who had such a high deficit of brain cells in their cranium would have long since expired due to the halting of the necessary exchange of turning oxygen into carbon dioxide.
To start off with, right out of the gates, your OC is a quite obvious Mary-Sue self-insert. She is flat, unrealistic, and more interested with getting into Gara's pants then anything else. If they really were going to give Gara a psychological analysis, they wouldn't just pull someone off the street. Let's see, her name is Aoihi Akatsuki...You can't be serious. You didn't even go online to look for real names to match your literary puppet!
Another thing about your "character" that is really annoying, is the way she acts in the story. She reflects about how Gara looks like her friend, and then proceeds to let him escape. Get a reality check, if they selected her- which by your description of Super-Sue, nobody in their right mind would- for this job, and she has done previous assignments before, she would not let her emotions get in the way of her job.
You also create a titanic plot hole that just hangs over the rest of the story like a bad over-powering stank: If the people of Suna knew Gara was so dangerous, why was it so easy for him to escape his room without any effort? Why didn't Aoihi call for help when she was locked in the room? If I actually have to ask these questions, then that should be a hint that you have not done you job of editing well.
The grammar that I viewed while skimming through your fic also leaves much to be desired by anyone who has an appreciation for the English language. This seems more due to laziness then actual deficits in knowledge. There's a reason this site has a rule that say's "Hot-Off-the-Press" is not to be posted. It leaves the writing riddled with holes that would otherwise be caught by anyone with brain cells instead of rocks in their skulls.
Do you have any respect for the cannon at all? Tenten is a Konoha citizen, which means she has no business being in Suna in the first place. Suna also doesn't have a mental hospital to begin with, and if Gara was deemed insane, they would most likely execute him to protect the rest of their people. You also break the very rules that the whole cannon plot of Naruto is based on! I mean, the series starts out with the Nine-Tails being sealed into Naruto, so unless all of the people in the universe are real idiots, they know for a fact that such demons do exist!
Then there's what you did to Gara...Where do I begin? First off, before he was redeemed in the serious, he did kill people. He killed people for whatever reason he felt like and held no remorse for it. While it is true that the people of Suna created the monster he became, he was not "misunderstood" while he was off murdering people for the hell of it. His siblings and father were even afraid of the demon inside him, or did you just miss the flashback he had when his caretaker tried to kill him?
I believe it would also be correct in saying that Gara does not form attachments like you show to women. In the series, he has women throwing themselves at his feet practically, and he shows no interest; and this is the reformed Gara! The unrefined character would most likely maim Aoihi's dead body and be on his normal homicidal way. Gara does not need another fangirl to fawn over him, get over it and move on to develop real characters.
While on the subject of being out of character, contrary to typical popular fangirl belief, Gara and his siblings do not have the hots for each other. It may be fanfiction, but there are some moral lines that really shouldn't be crossed without some care, respect, and grace. You, my roach-writer, have used not one of these needed qualities. Further more, your OC is completely fine with all of this, which I'm pretty sure is not a normal reaction for any character in the Naruto fandom. A hint for the future: Put your warning label in the summary so that people have more warning then what you gave, as well as the top of every chapter so that every reader knows what is coming. Chapter nine just came the hell out of nowhere, and your "warning label" was easily missed.
If I had sum up your plot in metaphorical terms, it's like a drunken tortoise stumbling along an abandoned interstate when suddenly it's slammed by a speeding ice cream truck. The plot- if there really is one- is unfocused and seems to just stagger unevenly from one side to the other, unsure of where it wants to go. Similarly, your cliff-hangers held no suspense. This story isn't as much about Gara as it is your OC's.
Another helpful hint from readers: Nobody gives a damn about your OC's. I'm not sorry if this is a newsflash for you, but really, nobody cares. They especially don't care when the characters are Mary-Sue self-insert types.
Using a term that reviewers before have done, this roach deserves as much verbal toxins it can get. Hopefully, my fellow critics and I have delivered enough poison to silence and squash this disgusting bug before it infected more people.
| Taryn Streambattle chapter 4 . 8/10/2010
Does this have any stinking plot? And Tenten is waay OOC. Is this AU or what's the deal? Tenten in a Leaf Nin, and Suna doesn't have a mental asylum. They turn you over to the head of T&I and if you're not sane, they kill you. They don't drag some random girl off the street with an unoriginal name and no characterization at all to be his mental evaluator. Despite your little protestations otherwise, Gaara would kill her. And it wouldn't be more than one or two days. She would ask questions, evaluate the answers, then deem him sane or insane. End of story.
And what is up with her dad? What does it contribute to the plot other than material for the total psychopath Gaara for fall for your little OC (cough self-insert) with the big boobs and fake tan? Be original!
"He sounded like her friend Jari and she couldn't imagine Jari in an insane asylum." Get real, lady! She's here to do a job. She has to decide whether he is insane or not. Shinobi Rule 21- emotions cannot get in the way of your job.
And why didn't she call the calvary when Gaara went for blood? And they know how dangerous he is, why is he able to get out so easily?
And DAMMIT he's killing people! Your OC cannnot just want him to live because he resembles Jari, or because she has a kind heart, or "he's a misunderstood person who just needs a bit of love."
Who did she kill? SO OVERDONE! Why is she more concerned about kissing Gaara than about getting out alive? Because she has such a "terrible life" that she "can't go back to reality?" GET A LIFE! Surely she has friends, unless you've made them all jealous of her. Gaara loves no one romantically. That is the way it is. Deal with it. Gaara doesn't need anybody to hang off him and giggle like a depraved fangirl.
You want "schmexy goodnes lol" in later chapters, don't you? This goes against everything the characters of Naruto stand for. I am the one who coined the term "Roach fic" and I am disgusted enough to say, without reading any further than Chapter Four, that this story fully deserves it.
I am glad you do not own Naruto, because you would destroy it. And your cliffhangers are so lame. Who cares what happens to an OC? We're here for the CANON characters. If want to meet new people, we pick up little things called Books. Ever heard of them?
I didn't think so.
| Sincerely C chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
I read through it and found multiple grammatical errors, as well as the extremely disturbing ninth chapter. If you're going to do something that creepy, put it in a different story, rate it M, and for the love of god warn people before they even read that story. As for this, this was terrible and I have to deam it a "roach" fic.
| Gaaras1Girl chapter 9 . 8/9/2010
I waws suprised to see this fic again, and, like a moth to the flame, came back to see if it was still as dreadful as I remembered. And to my shock it was even worse. Why is it that you can't take a hint? This story is truly aweful and has now gone above and beyond being a mere "bad fic".
| Dusk Neko4 chapter 9 . 8/7/2010
HOLY SHIT: I THOUGHT THIS WAS. RATED FUCKING T:
| Sakura chapter 9 . 8/7/2010
Umm.. i like it very much except for the the last part,,, kinda distrubing and creepy... o.o
| Sakura chapter 8 . 5/28/2010
OMG! I luvs it! please write more! Domo!
| TeenageNeko chapter 8 . 5/28/2010
Yayz the story got bette! and Jari didn't die! Though the nipple rings do sound a wee bit painful...
| TeenageNeko chapter 7 . 5/21/2010
Jari dead? :(
| Yo Mom chapter 6 . 4/12/2010
Hey, Yo Mom here.
I like the unique twist. Instead of him becoming completely sane, he stays a bit...crazy(?). I can understand your grammar, but your spelling needs work. I am curious about your OC's past as well. Please go back and fix the mistakes and I'll go all the way :)
| Sweetie kitty chapter 6 . 4/12/2010
DUN DUN DUN! Cliffhanger!
| Sweetie kitty chapter 5 . 4/12/2010
I like Jari...but he's gay...oh well!
| Sweetie kitty chapter 4 . 4/12/2010
breeding? I hope you ment bleeding.