|Reviews for Musashi: True Legend in the Making|
| Topo chapter 4 . 12/10/2014
Do you think you'll continue, I wanna see Topo.
| ArcaneMaverick chapter 4 . 11/13/2012
Well you fail and suck. You even say you weren't that busy! What a failure.
| Dreamer-Sara chapter 4 . 11/1/2011
You WILL update, right? :3
| Estrelita Farr chapter 3 . 3/8/2011
Hey there, fellow novelisation writer! It's good to see one writing a novelisation for Brave Fencer Musashi, one of my favourite games as well!
So far I could see a few good points about this story. I'm not sure how long you've been writing, but your English is pretty good and this story seems promising. The chapters are a bit longer than many others I've read, long enough to fit in enough content before the chapter ends, unlike a few I've seen that are too short for a satisfying reading.
There are, however, a few things I think you could improve on (in no particular order), which I'll separate by sections so that it's easier to read. :D
Musashi's talking to self:
I find Musashi tends to talk too much to himself, whether on the journey to Spiral Tower or fighting the Steam Knight. No matter how fit an adventurer is, he wouldn't / shouldn't talk more than necessary to save his breath, especially if he has to go through a whole forest filled with soldiers and monsters. It works in-game because we can't see Musashi's thoughts as we control him (not to mention it makes way for a tutorial), but for a novelisation, we can describe things as he sees them and make things more realistic.
For example, during the battle with the Steam Knight:
"Trying to determine what exactly he could try to bring down the Knight, Musashi found he could only continue dodging the Knight's attempts at stepping on him or worse, hitting him with that ball.
-"There's gotta be something I can do to take down this thing. Where is its weakness?""
Rather than that, describe his thoughts instead, maybe like:
"Musashi rushed out of the way just as the steel ball came crashing on the floor. His mind whirled with possibilities of defeating his opponent, each one more implausible than the next.
-There had to be a way to take down this steaming machine!
Not the best way to do it, but maybe you could do it better. But believe me, I do understand it's a bit difficult to keep things interesting when there's only one character, because I just finished writing a novelisation for Alundra, also an action RPG like Brave Fencer Musashi. So we're like comrade-in-arms, eh? xP
Show, don't tell (plus character emotions):
So far, I noticed that you tend to say directly what the characters are feeling, instead of showing us why they're feeling that way in the first place. For example, instead of saying directly that Musashi is frustrated, maybe you can describe his string of thoughts instead that led him to feel that way.
For example, when Musashi first entered the forest:
"Musashi entered a thick forest area, where he had to remark, "Shoot, why do I have to do this." Deciding there was no use in complaining he told himself, "Eh what the heck. I'll get Lumina and then I'm out of here."
Though you didn't say explicitly about him being frustrated, the word "complaining" indicates he's not really happy about it, and he did say it rather frustratingly in-game. Being the impatient little guy he is, wouldn't he be frustrated after all those things that just happened?
So instead of the above example, maybe you could do it like: (hyphen new paragraph)
"First, he had that stupid argument with his father back home, and just as he was about to take a nice, good nap, he was violently woken up by a bunch of people in weird costumes. Then, the audacity of it, demanded he did as they said before he could return home!
-He gave a sigh.
-Oh, what the heck. They only told him to get Lumina, now didn't they? Well, he'd get Lumina, and then he'd be out of here!"
Or something like that. Character emotions are important in a story, but just telling them to readers isn't enough; they need to empathise with the characters, such as pain when they lose someone, anger and frustration at their inability, etc. One tip; it's usually easier to portray emotion when you write in one character's point-of-view, in this case, Musashi's.
Turning a game into a novelisation:
I saw what Musashi fan said in his review about "going in a different direction" and I both agree and disagree with it. I don't see what's wrong with following the game script quite a bit, but rather than a word-for-word story, try and put in some of your own personal touches. It will make the story refreshing to gamers who already finished the game, and it'll make your novelisation stand out better.
Maybe you want to expand on Musashi's background (maybe he's the son of a shogun? Maybe despite his impatient, rude, tough behaviour, he occasionally gets homesick?). Maybe you want to put in an unexpected twist in the storyline that makes sense but isn't in the game. Maybe you want to put in your own story padding to fill in the plot holes.
It's really up to you, because I believe a novelisation is the author's interpretation of the game's storyline. :)
Also, one more thing. Try not to describe every little puzzle the game offers because that will make the story too game-ish, though the occasional one is fine. I was caught in this same trap when I was writing Breath of Fire 3 novelisation. :(
That's all for the time being... or rather, that's all I can think of at the moment. Of course, these are all merely my suggestions. It's up to you whether to take those suggestions or not, because the way you write is your personality as an author, and I'm by no means a great author (and I tend to talk too much in reviews anyway... let me know if you dislike them).
Regardless of what I've written, I can see some promise in this story, so keep on writing and drop me a mail if you have things to ask!
Great, now I feel like playing the game. xP
| Birdface chapter 4 . 10/27/2010
Ahh, I was wondering what was going on...
And yes, I have read this, it's pretty close to the game's storyline and events. Pretty much the game in written form.
I'll be patient, waiting for more chapters :)
| musashi fan chapter 3 . 3/26/2010
this is the game! almost word for word! go in another direction with it!