|Reviews for The TSAB Acturus War|
| USAthroughout chapter 19 . 10/17/2011
Sorry, I meant to compliment your story in this chapter. I am a newcomer.
| USAthroughout chapter 1 . 10/17/2011
This is the best war fanfic I have read so far. This has partially inspired me to write my own war story, which I already got started on. It won't be as good as yours, but everyone has their own ideas.
| AluciusDawn chapter 19 . 3/8/2011
Sorry for not responding to you earlier my friend, I was having some...difficulties. Anyhow, a very nice end to it. It did as you said, have a somewhat abrupt end, but I think it works anyhow. Nice to see both sides of the war getting along afterward, I have a particular soft-spot for such scenes. (Like when they'd bring old WWII pilots together from opposing sides in those war documentaries.) Just gives you a reminder that we're all human, no matter which side we're on.
Congratulations on completing the fic, and good luck in the future!
| Okay Wow chapter 16 . 11/21/2010
Awesome story, I can sort of see both sides settling into an uneasy Cold War post battle, as this war mirrors the Soviet Union vs NATO conflicts of the 70s and 80s. I can also feasibly see that the TSAB might discover that their magitech and police forces aren't enough to fight a war. The marines are the only forces comparable to the average soldier, while your average Enforcer is essentially as skilled as a Ranger. This basically means that the Bureau is extremely short on competent soldiers, as they've never fought a true war before. I imagine the TSAB will naturally bring in other "primitives" to fight Acturus-Earthers. I can see a disclosure of the larger universe to Earth-and Terran troops working as a sort of mercenary/Hessian units that are hired out.
| Supreme Gamesmaster Yddisac chapter 1 . 6/23/2010
WTF? Za Warudo? Who's supposed to be sympathetic, again? Only the pinnacle of awesome names their ship after Dio Brando (or, better yet, Sakuya Izayoi). Also, why is an EVA pilot leading a TSAB point defense unit? The references are neat until you think about 'em in context.
Anyway, it really reads more like a synopsis of the battle than an actual story. There's absolutely nothing going on here except name-dropping and action; we have zero empathy whatsoever for the characters, even in the torture-by-pitifully-flimsy-space-armor bit. This is mainly because none of them are given personalities. Generally, a story is better if it contains characters with personalities.
There's really very little explanation for some of this stuff, too. How is a mage bizarrely cut off from their magic just by being hit in the leg by a bullet using poorly-defined technology? How does the TSAB, with all the technology of the known universe before them, build such horrifically bad armor? How do busters take a few minutes to charge when Nanoha uses them as her standard artillery? Surely the missiles aren't that well-defended that it takes a Nanoha-level buster to crack each one? Continuity-wise, this belongs in another fandom.
The scene breaks are confusing in that they're nonexistent. Beyond simple paragraph breaks, of which there are not nearly enough, there's no real separation in the action. That said, the paragraphs are all far too long; there should be more punctuation in the action, breaking it up into smaller pieces. If there isn't, the action needs to be modified.
EPITOMA: The main problem, in the end, is that there are no characters. However, there are also inexcusable and unexplained continuity errors and poor formatting standing in the way of a promising concept.
| Wysp chapter 2 . 5/26/2010
I like this story so far-it's quite enjoyable. It's a bit tricky to tell when you're transitioning from one character POV to another, but not terribly difficult-I've seen people who didn't even both with a new paragraph.
Anyway, you wouldn't happen to frequent TVTropes, would you? General Ripper is pretty much exactly what the trope of the same name describes him as.
You also like your shout-outs-I've noticed some to Ace Combat, the Dark Knight (maybe), Dante's Inferno, and a load of others that I cannot remember at the moment. You also seem to be fond of using famous quotes. (I'm only on Chapter Two so far. :P )
It's a very enjoyable story, especially 'cause I can find all that. I also noticed that you used the analogy to the dog baring its throat w\ the radiators at the end of Ch. One.
| Maria Seinheart chapter 8 . 5/22/2010
I'm a fan of military fiction and I'm glad someone here has decided to write something that is not fan service or romance for I've seen far too many here. There are flaws and I think they've already been pointed out so I won't babble about them.
Nice introduction of military thingamajigs and that. I like it. Even as we speak, I'm also writing a Nanoha military fic as well.
| Bahamut9999 chapter 7 . 5/10/2010
I am enjoying this fiction. The conflict between TSAB and Acturus is comparable to the Union and Confederate armies in the Civil War and the Germans and the Soviets in WWII. You have one side that is better trained and has better leadership. They are able to inflict heavy casualties on the enemy. However, the opposing side is able to make up for its shortcomings by sheer manpower. This is a factor that led to the defeat of the Confederates and the Nazis. The Union and the Russians could afford the losses where as the CSA and Nazi Germany could not. Acturus is inflicting heavy casualties on the TSAB but it appears that the Bureau has a surplus in manpower.
| AluciusDawn chapter 7 . 5/5/2010
I like when you do the characters close up, giving their interactions with each other, and their reactions to what's happening around them. When you start pulling back and doing exposition and large-scale movements (going into painful, numeric detail at times) my eyes just kind of glance over it without much thought. When you do the large battles, follow someone around for a direct perspective. By doing this with different (long-term, not show up and die) characters you can still get the overall view, without it sounding like it's out of a history textbook. You're not a bad writer, but even a great photographer won't take good shots with his lens out of focus.
| AluciusDawn chapter 4 . 4/2/2010
I don't really know what to think of this. Part of me just enjoys it 'as is', (Blood, guts and carnage. Big, one-on-one, military smack-down.) But the other part finds it very much missing the whole MGLN part. I'm guessing that will be involved more as the story goes, but it is still kind of jarring. Hmm, I'll keep reading anyhow. It has been getting better, noticeably so despite the low chapter count thus far. (Chapter one was honestly kinda weak, but it has gotten more interesting. May just be my personal tastes though.) Seeing the crazy crap that happens in this verse through a grunt's eyes should be refreshing.
Anyhow, good luck. You're really catering to a small niche crowd with this one so don't get discouraged if the view count is lower than say, a NanoFate shipping story.
(P.S. If you want to bounce ideas off someone just PM me, I can't promise anything truly constructive but I always like discussing things destructive. Oh the possibilities 8D )
| severstal chapter 1 . 4/2/2010
The biggest problem with this story is that it lacks a real sense of it being MGLN at all. Technically, the only thing that hints at it are brief references to mana, and I'm sure this is not the only universe with it. The story could have worked with blasters the way it was going...
Frankly, I agree with our other reviewer that you should use the main characters more and more explicitly. I can understand the desire to write a big war (and big war is not exactly too compatible w/ stereotypical MGLN) but even then there are ways to focus on individuality. Try reading Red Storm Rising or Red Army (Red Army is eons better in this regard but is a collector's item while RSR is still purchasable).
If we back off from it being MGLN, then as a story of a War between Big-Time Power A and Small Time Power B the biggest problem is the overly hasty progress - this is not a case of "fast tempo". The cause of the war is not detailed enough to create real sympathy, the shift between the stages of the war overly rapid. You don't feel a sense of strategy in the story or tactics in each scene, or enough work on the characters to even qualify as cardboard cutouts. It feels like a bunch of vignette cutouts of a war, and not awfully good ones at that.
| GeshronTyler chapter 4 . 3/29/2010
In far future, there is only _WAR_! What, no Starlight Breakers or Hraesvelgers to blow the lines open? Ho ho, I'd like to see Vita smashing her some tanks with Graf Eisen, and how about Fate with Zanber form? Nanoha would definately be hell on wheels for ground support. Another point- in Strikers the staff weapons the ground troopers were using could also generate shields. Yet another point- there are spells that allow for remote viewing/targeting (like Wide Area Search, for instance). Ought to make it possible for mages with that skill to be able to pop off non line of sight attacks.
Let the carnage continue!
| GeshronTyler chapter 2 . 3/29/2010
Hm, I don't see an advantage to a pulse jet, even if it valve-less. They are inherently less efficient than a ramjet. If you wanted something a bit more exotic, there are concepts for turbo-ramjet hybrids... I'd have to look up the operating envelopes for pulse jets, but it may be that they can operate from a standing start (which ramjets can't- they need another source of thrust to reach operating parameters), so maybe what you were coming up with was a pulse-ram hybrid? Weird concept, no idea if it would be theoretically feasible... _