|Reviews for New Surprises|
| ellie111lee chapter 3 . 12/26/2013
Really really like this. Please continue it's very good :)
| monkey87 chapter 3 . 8/5/2012
Ik it's been a while, but PLEASE updat e soon! I really like this story!
| TheJunebug1218 chapter 3 . 5/29/2011
Oh, can't wait for future chaps. Sounds really awsome so far!
| marshmellow73 chapter 3 . 1/26/2011
Please update! I love this story and I can't wait to see what happens next. :)
| hinatabellahaley13 chapter 3 . 12/28/2010
| TheMonsterWithinMe chapter 3 . 8/17/2010
This is so good! I think it's sad that her dad beats her up though! Can't wait for the next chapter!
| Nitrea chapter 3 . 4/23/2010
Oh. My. Gosh. Poor her! Can I kil;l her dad? Seriously! You're an awesome writer!
-Love Nitrea :)
| papthebunny chapter 3 . 4/3/2010
THIS IS AWESOME!
| PuresaPoison chapter 3 . 4/3/2010
OMG such a sad storie! lol i love it keep writing! You are really good, and it better have mushy, fluffy, and lovey dovey stuff later! lol!
| EbbySade chapter 3 . 4/1/2010
Please write more. This is really awesome and compelling. Can't wait to see what happens next.
| Quillion chapter 1 . 3/29/2010
Hmm... I had to login. Darn it! Now you can click on my name and see my bad writing and decide not to take my advice. D:
Oh well. But seriously. What I'm saying is hopefully helpful and correct. Let's all pray.
On to the review!
So, you have a girl. You have a canon character. They're going to hook up. Boring, no? Teh DRAMAZ is zilch. So to spice it up a bit you add abuse. Nothing wrong with that. It is certaintly not the most original idea but... Clichés are there for a reason. Using a cliché is fine, it's a great way to find your voice. I have somewhere penned down a story of the sister to Harry p
Potter, with the sister having dragon friends. :/ not really stellar but any writing is helpful, especially if you can look at older work andfind problems with it, or places where you'd improve. That means your improving. (I think. It sounds plausible to me, but I'm really just making this up on the fly)
Now iseem to have gone on a tangent. Back on track! The biggest thing you could improve on is adding in extra filler. Sure your story gets from point A to point B but it's quick and consise. You leave out all the details that make a story come alive. It feels like reading an outline, almost. In the beginning though I thought you were going to do something interesting with the narrative, like a journal that the main character keeps. It's probably worth trying out.
On characters; Mary Sues happen when the character can't grow. Remember that Harry Potter story I talked about earlier? My character was a complete Mary Sue. She was abused by the Dursleys but despite that was kind, soft spoken, über powerful, and had a wicked sense of humor, was beautiful, etc. Basically because she was the 'perfect' character she had no room to grow. She could do no wrong and therefore was hard to relate to. Carly could be on that path. She's smart, beautiful, just moved to Florida... Give her a problem she has to overcome; no self-confidance, petty, gets angry easily, greedy. Some characteristic you don't find appealing is usually a good choice.
One thing I'm going to call B.S. on is the fact that she notices and likes Roy, but then can't seem to figure out why her heart is racing. That's just silly.
Wrapping up, I would like to address something you have written on your profile. This might be a case of using your words against you, but I feel it needs to be said. This is taken directly from your profile: "My goal is to write stories that aren't on here yet, in categories that are lacking stories or creativity. :)" when I hear thatyour goal is to write "stories that aren't on here yet" I'm expecting new ideas. The Hoot fandom has plenty of stories that are a lot like the one you just wrote. It also has a lot of ideas that haven't been explored. For instance (your welcome to use this plot bunny) what if Hoot was set in a totally futuristic world? So cyborgs, or flying cars, or computers that are chips in your skin, just completely sci-fi. Then Mullet Fingers is this rebel who doesn't have a chip and lives out in the forest, the wild untaimable forest that swallows troops and withstands all attempts to destroy it. (I've just watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, 3 times) Beatrice is his go between, and she lives with a foot in both worlds, yet belonging to none. Roy is the average kid who has justgotten his mind blown when he sees what the government is trying to do to the forest and finds a law from a long tome ago that prohibits what the gov't is doing. Or something like that. (I am a complete sucker for AU's) but that's the kind of plots I would come up with, seeing as I'm not a big romance/drama writer.
The point is, write something that when someone reads it, they don't feel like they've just read that story with different character names. Be creative!
Enough of my babbling.