Reviews for The Beast Within
madhermit chapter 5 . 2/3/2012
I've read many MotB retellings, but there is something unique about yours. Maybe it's descriptions, or more personality than characters are given in the game.

However, there is one major problem: spelling and grammar. You make some very basic mistakes. There should be enough proof-readers available, even if they are not familiar with the game.

Another thing are some expressions: Safiya saying "blimey" was quite jarring. I'm not saying you should have them speaking like they came from Shakespeare's works, but notice that game uses simplified English. Try to avoid slang, please.

Now, I find story interesting so far, particularly past flashbacks and the way you weave them in the story. I loved the bow scene. But I know people who will give up when they see enough bad spelling and grammar, no matter how good the story is otherwise. Why? Because one of few rules site imposes are to check these things before posting. Now, if the writer doesn't, some people will think the writer too lazy and not invested in writing enough. Which is a pity because I see that you put a lot of effort in this story. Please find a beta and "fix" what you've done so far.
Nastrandir chapter 53 . 1/27/2012
Hee, Leela knows Gann almost more than he knows himself :D A very nice mix of the absurdity and funny aspect of the dream-Gann/Anja stuff, while still keeping the slightly sad undertone.

A definite sense that a few barriers have been broken down between them, right in time to head back to Mulsantir XD
Nastrandir chapter 52 . 1/16/2012
Ahh, the pieces are coming together nicely XD

Lovely to see Safiya and Kaelyn essentially gossiping about their leader and her hagspawn, heh. I do love how you've humanised Kaelyn and made her approachable.

And Leela finally beginning to talk everything through - despite all the violence of the chapter, it did feel a little like she might begin healing herself, or at least not beating herself up over the past quite so much now.
Nastrandir chapter 51 . 1/2/2012
Coven smackdown imminent XD

I do like that you gave Gann and Leela space to talk it through with the Coven first. The witches are unspeakable - both in their power and what they did to Gulk'aush. And poor Gann - at least he knows the rest of it now, but how painful.
Nastrandir chapter 50 . 11/10/2011
Ah, Bishop, always a delight in conversation ;D Though I did enjoy his nice little humanising moment with Gann - given what we've seen of his prior relationship with Leela, it makes sense.

I really like Leela's awful realisation about what the Wall is, and how it works, horrible. And how terrible, to have to go and jump right back into the dreamscape again afterwards. Hopefully they'll both have time to talk about stuff properly once the Coven are dealt with.
Nastrandir chapter 49 . 10/18/2011
I love the layers in this one - working through the dreamscape and meeting Araman (so important for later), and then Leela being so distractingly aware that she is technically alone with her hagspawn :D

And I completely agree with Leela - the card game is insanely frustrating XD
Nastrandir chapter 48 . 9/23/2011
So good to see Leela and Gann working together so well in the twisty-turny dreamscape. Again I like how you've still given them a couple of little moments together - him touching her hand, the 'pleasant dreams' conversation, very sweet and fun to read.

And the elder brain/HOTU comments? XD Awesome and I love the dialogue right at the end :D
Nastrandir chapter 47 . 8/30/2011
Creepy dreamscape *shiver* XD

I really like Gann's little moments of helping Leela here - orienting her in the dream, helping her with the incredibly spooky play. She's understandably frustrated and it shows through very nicely - the 'being-pulled/pushed-around' aspect of the Skein and the Coven is wonderfully frustrating.

And the eyeballs. Urk. Nice ;D Though I do love how still-glittering eyeballs are the least of their worries right now XD
Nastrandir chapter 46 . 8/8/2011
Hee, *finally* XD

Oh, this was so very sweet. I liked how you gave them both space to think a bit after the encounter, and then peace for their moment together.

And they've moved on emotionally so much as well, very clear to see as they express their own physical longing for each other. Now I kinda want them through the Skein and out into fresh air so they can *really* start talking about what they want :D
Nastrandir chapter 45 . 7/14/2011
Ooh, wow, this was a sledgehammer of a chapter XD

Gulk'aush was everything she should be - scary and powerful, sad and stricken. I wanted to hit her and hug her at the same time, perfect.

Gann admitting his fear was powerful - poor hagspawn, he had a hell of time in this chapter. The possession was very very nasty - it'll be interesting to see how he and Leela deal with it, given what he came very close to doing.

This was awesome XD
Nastrandir chapter 44 . 6/24/2011
Argh, the curse is still there, and still so strong - poor Leela, how difficult it is to try and stay strong knowing that she won't be able to hold it off forever.

I really liked the Bishop memory - perfectly done, you got his strange tenderness in that scene down so well, and still kept him very much himself.

And silly hagspawn, assuming he'd have to face his mother alone :D It works for his character though, since he's such a loner, he'd assume that. Maybe this more than anything else Leela's done for him will make him see that she isn't going anywhere fast.

Wonderful, and very tense :D
Nastrandir chapter 43 . 6/4/2011
Oh, Gann's dream was horrible *shudder*.

I really like how they're trying to understand the Skein and how it works, and the mystery of Gann's mother - much more sensible than just hurtling around.

I will admit to wanting to smack Gann for losing his nerve - he's going to have to talk about it at some point, silly hagspawn. Leela's patient support of him is just lovely as well, and just what he'll really need once they move deeper into the Skein.
Nastrandir chapter 42 . 5/15/2011
Oh, this is good - I really like how Gann isn't stumbling around blindly about to be utterly shocked. Well, I guess he will be utterly shocked, but I like how he's not entirely clueless, which does fit so well with what he says about Koveya Kur'gannis.

The Skein is horrible - claustrophobic and creepy, and I do not envy Leela at all, having to get them all through it.

Wonderful ending to the chapter as well, unsettling and anticipatory all at once.
Nastrandir chapter 41 . 5/6/2011
Beautifully spooky, the underwater city, and the change to night time was so lyrical in its evocation.

Poor Gann, so aware of how scared he is, but not quite sure what it means, to go home. I love how gentle Leela is being with him - he needs that as much as he needs her support at all, I think. Leela still being able to blush around him is a good sign, though I have this awful feeling that the Skein is going to prove very taxing indeed, for all of them.

And Fluffy - the idea of a picky spider is both cute and hilarious XD
Nastrandir chapter 40 . 4/19/2011
Mmm, Gann smells like pine trees XD

This was really good, with so many layers. Leela's horrible realisation that she was back in a version of the barrow, and her awful spirit eater connection with the old man...*shiver*. The pieces of the riddle of the hunger are coming together nicely, even if they mean nothing to Leela right now.

And Leela and Gann realising they really *are* partnered in this, even if it took fighting a reaver to understand that. Him holding her hand and refusing to let go was heart-meltingly sweet :D
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