|Reviews for The Pain|
| FarronLockhart95 chapter 3 . 7/31/2012
Woooonderrful! sexy and cute at the same time :)
| Dream-Ryoko chapter 3 . 1/19/2012
I enjoyed this story it was a good read and it was fun and playful. you portrayed the characters nicely too. i look forward to reading more fangxlight from you _
| Yuri-hime chapter 3 . 12/10/2011
Loved this story. So sweet
| Turkey in a suit chapter 3 . 4/5/2011
*smiles* Love the story by the way. :)
| Turkey in a suit chapter 2 . 4/5/2011
Hands up for fang x lightning.
| Turkey in a suit chapter 1 . 4/5/2011
Yup, FFXIII's the best! Love the new battle system.
| Icy-Windbreeze chapter 3 . 9/23/2010
A very nice story!
| bleach number 1 fan chapter 3 . 9/6/2010
nice fic great pairing :D liked the way you did it and you got the characters practicly perfect lol i can imagine light storming off in a strop lol great work i hope to see more of it in the future
| Aiden Allard chapter 3 . 8/20/2010
nice story you created there!
| BladeMaster357 chapter 3 . 6/7/2010
Great story-I could totally see Fang as being the one to break through the walls Lightning surrounds herself with. _
| Major Mike Powell III chapter 3 . 4/28/2010
Well, well, soldier...
This was nice!
That's one interesting relationship there, Light and Fang. LOL
A good build-up and a great ending. :D Those smooches were N-I-CE!
Nice work, marine!
Semper-Fi! Carry on!
| jquackers chapter 3 . 4/21/2010
The end felt a tiny bit rushed, not to mention corny (but hey, I love corniness!), but sweet and heart-lifting nonetheless. Just remember what I said in my last review; add more description to give the characters more emotion. Like when Lightning said, "You!" instead of immediately saying she stood up and began walking away, you could do something like, "'You!' she growled, standing up briskly, taking long strides away from her." I hope you get the idea. If not, feel free to PM me, and I'll think up of more examples, or describe it in some other way that'll make it easier to understand (since I don't think I did a good job here).
Anyway, I like the end. In my mind, I pictured Lightning moving her head to rest on Fang's chest or shoulder, just to make it feel more complete. xP But it's perfectly fine the way it is now; I just unnecessarily added it into my mind. Yeah, I'm weird. LOL.
Good job on this!
| jquackers chapter 2 . 4/20/2010
HAHAH, I bet Fang was really touchy with Vanille just to try to get Lightning jealous. Luckily for her (and us readers), it workedd.
But gosh, she's really sneaky. LOL. Pinning Lightning down like that.. That was a really cute scene, with Lightning caressing Fang's cheek and all. Hahah, her walls aren't so strong around her. [:
That scene, though, seemed just a bit bland, lacking emotion. You could add more description to make it less blunt. For example, when you wrote, "She leaned her head against my hand," you could write, "She leaned into my hand, nuzzling gently into its warmth." Something like that, you know? That was a bad example, since I thought it up in a few seconds, but I hope it helps.
Anywayy, it's good. I like where this is going.
| jquackers chapter 1 . 4/20/2010
Oh, the angst! I like a jealous Lightning. :3
| Fusionmix chapter 3 . 3/24/2010
Argh, why does everybody seem to own FFXI except me? -has private sympathy party- I need to finally invest in a current-gen system.
So I'll come right out and say I have not played FFXI. I've seen gameplay clips, and bits of cutscenes, and I certainly was wondering what was up with Fang and Vanille. Fang seems to live in a transparent closet from the parts I've seen; she was even originally scripted as a male character.
Anyway, a few general pointers.
Adjectives. I can't explain how much I appreciate your avoidance of irritating phrases like "orbs" for eyes, but the repetition of "green eyes" over and over got a little odd-sounding. You could try "that gaze", and then use a pronoun.
Another thing. How about the landscape? Until the shrubbery and Tree of Snogging were mentioned, I had little sense of how the landscape looked around them. Try mentioning pebbles getting in shoes, grass being prickly, the sun being too hot and making the air smell like baked wheat and earth, how the tree looked. And sound. Feet clumping, more description of weapons thwacking together...
Just that sorta thing. Going overboard isn't necessary, just make sure you take time to flesh out the world. Your dialogue is great, just gotta work on the exposition a little. It'll probably make you a less prolific author (43 mostly-finished fics? How do you do it?), but even if you update half as much as you do, you'll still be better than 70% of the people on this site (myself included).