|Reviews for Yuni's Story|
| Papersak chapter 14 . 6/3/2010
Paper the grammar nazi returns~
I noticed a number of mistakes. Most of 'em just looked like typos, but I'ma go through this last chapter and find 'em all anyway. Going in order:
"Snook: isn't a word; the past tense of sneak is "snuck," oddly enough. Unless the speaker is young and into slang or something.
"How could you!" - I'm guessing you had a question mark also, but last I checked (which was a while ago) doesn't like two punctuation parks next to each other. Following it with "I screamed" as you did seems like enough to make up for the lack of an exclamation mark, imo. Though I really wish they allowed you to have two marks...
"I new" - should be "knew."
Off topic, but I believe there are times when you mix "here" (location) and "hear" (ability) in other chapters. I think. Forgive me if I'm wrong... ;
"You, Pix, and I will take you" Perhaps needs a rephrase, something like either "you, pix and I will go" or "I will take you and Pix..." Something so "you" isn't repeated twice.
"How could've this had happen" comes out to "how could have this had happen" which is out of order. The correct way is "How could this have happened?" unless you want current tense, which would be "How could this happen?" I'm unfamiliar with first-person, so I'm not sure which one is correct...
And I believe that's it for nitpicking. x]
My only other critique is Zero. While I'm happy you're using him as a doctor, I'm puzzled sometimes by his profession. I don't know flip about if poisoning is left up to medical or surgical doctors, due to draining/ opening wounds, but it seemed like a medical area to me. But alas... my knowledge is limited to watching lots of Scrubs so... *brick'd*
And I have yet to review this at all. o_o Eek. Positive time, then. xP
I like that you wrote one of those DDR stories that has a real plot that incorporates personified DDR songs, similar to ideas from Princess Yuni, so w00t for team effort. :) And Roppongi sounds hot.
But yeah, doing a canon-based outta-the-ordinary plot with DDR is something I'm generally unable to do, and you are going off in a nice tangent from everyday life with these characters, which is creative and snazzy. Thumbs up, and keep going~
| a-wind-of-freedom chapter 12 . 5/27/2010
Gasp! I wanna read what happens next! Please update soon when you get the chance, I am enjoying what I am reading so far! Good work! D
| a-wind-of-freedom chapter 3 . 3/31/2010
I see that the ideas came in handy for you when we had our chat. Nice! I like the way how you described them and how you wrote them. It actually matched them well! I am really enjoying this story, keep up the good work! (: