|Reviews for Supernatural: The Son and Grandson of Betong|
| Nobody'sParachute chapter 3 . 11/11/2010
Umm, interesting idea but the meeting with ustaz Shafie kinda disturbed me a you seen Supernatural lately?Your attempts of mixing this very different religion is safe , I presume.I have seen how an ustaz battle with supernatural forces and its kinda weird to know that an ustaz he died?
But i find that your english has been
All the best,
| Gaudete chapter 3 . 7/5/2010
Like the way you blended Malaysian folklore with Supernatural...very creative. I think you did well with the English...some words and phrases just don't translate well from one language into English. I'll have to look up Malaysian folktales now. Thank you for pointing this story out to me, sorry it took so long to finally read it.
| CeCe Away chapter 3 . 7/3/2010
That was interesting to see Sam and Dean out of their element in another country, but poor Raquib!
| fakescorpion chapter 3 . 7/2/2010
Very original, I love it.
Sam & Dean to Malaysia (maybe Dean finally got over his fear for planes *laugh*)
Is the story of Malika an actual legend in Malaysia? It would be sooo cool!
| Xenakisfox101112 chapter 1 . 6/26/2010
very interesting and original! love it! keep it up chicky! or dude. lol idk _
| EnilraCountess chapter 3 . 6/24/2010
whoa, raqib's death is quite shocking :o. i thought it would have an happy ending. nice story :D
| borgmama1of5 chapter 3 . 6/20/2010
Interesting idea to merge a native tale with the Winchester boys. Incorporating the Malay song and give the translation was especially effective.
The writing is choppy, but I give you credit for writing in another language, something I would never attempt.
| AllTimeNatalie chapter 3 . 6/17/2010
Ok so this is a collective review for all three chappys (chapters.) I loved them all! Well done.
| letmefallasleep chapter 2 . 6/2/2010
Sorry, I left my other review rather quickly, not really saying anything. I apologize, i was in a hurry. Is this something you mean to continue like, maybe do a sequel? Your English is choppy, but still pretty good for it being a second language. At least you're grammatically correct, which is more than I can say for most. As someone who has learned to speak three languages other than my own, I have to give you a lot of credit. I took Spanish for three years, and Korean and Hebrew for two, and I still can't begin to imagine trying to write a whole story in either languages. It must take a lot of courage.
That being said, I'm sure you could probably find a beta to read over it before you publish it, and give you some advice, help to make it flow more evenly for English speakers. Ask around in the forums, see what you can find.
| letmefallasleep chapter 3 . 6/2/2010
I really like it, it's good. Is it a true legend (other than the Winchester brothers of course, lol)? I'm curious now! Hope you continue!
| Jackson Teller chapter 3 . 5/30/2010
Love this story! So good D!
| op1223 chapter 1 . 5/29/2010
I like this! cant wait for more.
| shenandoahok chapter 1 . 5/20/2010
How are you doing today? It's morning in the United States. I liked the concept of having a powerful witch, the magical sword, and a queen in the storyline, and the fact that the queen has been locked up for five-hundred-years. The bullying portion resonated with me because of the amount of bullying in US schools. I thought that was a good detail in the storyline.
The author wrote several story lines with the black Impala, and I thought that was funny because I cannot imagine a nineteen-sixty-seven Impala making it through customs. I don't think it would be a bad idea for the author to write a scene about getting the car through customs because that would be funny and go along with the Supernatural storyline.
Writing, in my humble opinion, is a tricky thing. Sometimes a writer can write too perfectly, and it takes away from the storyline and characters; and other times, a writer can write too sloppy, and that completely kills a storyline. When writers have English as a second language, the idea is to never let the reader know that. A writer can write a masterpiece, but one misspelled word or bad style or bad grammar mistake, and the readers will throw it on the crap pile. When translating to English, it's imperative to remember the articles: a, an, and the. “The” is the definite article and “a, an” are the indefinite articles. The proper usage of the articles will increase the power and readability of the author's stories.
In order to write, one must read. It's law. It's the first law of writing. Unfortunately, the English language has many nuances that aren't a part of any law, but have to be learned through memorization. The transitive verb, “Kneed” means to strike a person with the knee; however, a person that bends at the knee joint is to “Kneel.” “Knelt” is the past tense and past participle of the verb to “Kneel.” A person that rest on his or her knees can be referred to as a “Kneeler.” A kneeler is a noun because it's an individual that kneels.
"Greet to you, Queen Solowangi. I kneed down to you, the Empress of the Region of Sumatera. I need your help," said Malika.
This sentence, as far as grammar is concerned, isn't incorrect, but it doesn't read in a concise and coherent manner.
“Greetings, Queen Solowangi.” This is the way most people would phrase this unless they were purposely trying to use another kind of phrasing. Again, “Kneed” means to strike with the knee. Unless Malika wants to fight the queen, it's imperative to change that to kneel.
“Greetings, Queen Solowangi. I kneel before you, the Empress of the Region of Sumatra. I need your help,” Malika said.
When writing who said this or who said that, most cases should be subject then verb.
“Greetings, Queen Solowangi. I kneel before you, the Empress of the Region of Sumatra,” Malika said as she knelt before the Queen. “I need your help.”
Putting the “Malika said” in the middle of the sentence is a style thing.
I'll discuss the next line, and then that's it. I don't want to bore you with so much information, but I know you love to write.
“There was one woman appeared behind the rock. Her neck had been pressed by one rock above. She was Queen Solowangi, who she lived for over 500 years. She used to help Malika to achieve her evil plan with one condition, Malika need to help her to release her out from the rock that she had been trapped for a hundred years after her evil plan succeed..”
The first sentence should be written like this, “There was one woman that appeared behind the rock.”
The next sentence is a matter of taste. The sentence appears to be in the passive form, and that's not bad within itself because we see the rock in the previous sentence. It would read a little better if the sentence was rewritten in the active form.
“The rock pressed hard against her neck.”
“The rock had pressed hard against her neck.”
“The rock had been pressing hard against her neck.”
It doesn't matter because she was probably in a lot of pain.
Um … did Malika study about the queen? If Malika tells the story, how does she know about the queen's existence. The deal between the queen and Malika probably needs to be hashed out in dialogue. With Malika's first line being, “Who are you?”
“I'm Queen Solowangi,” she said with an angry scowl. “The benevolent ruler of Sumatra; the tamer of wild beast; and the nightmare to anybody that opposes me.”
“Then how did you get tied to this big rock?” She asked with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
“You mock me? You're nothing but a peasant, a piece of trash not worthy to be stuck to the bottom of my shoe.” Malika turned, walked away, and the queen screamed, “Wait?” She paused. “I can give you anything … anything your heart desires.”
She turned to the queen, put her hands on her hips, and said, “I want the sword.”
“What sword?” The queen asked.
“The Finale Sword,” she said with a smirk on her face. “The sword of all swords.”
“Are you mad, child? Its too powerful for your mortal hands to handle. I've existed for ten thousand years, and no mortal has ever successfully handled the sword.”
“So, you say?”
“I do. The user always dies by its powers.”
“Then you won't mind giving it to me?”
“Free me, and it's yours to have.”
“Where is it?”
“Locked in the Fifth Dimension for the past five-hundred years waiting for me to call on its powers.”
It's okay to tell the story, but sometimes it's important to let the characters tell the story. If you're describing a look, the way a person looks, scenery, setting up a scene, smell, taste, lighting and so on, it's okay for the narrator to narrate. However, the narration of actual dialogue takes away from the story, and sometimes can seem like laziness on behalf of the writer. In fact, it's not a bad idea to sometimes let the characters talk about a smell or the way another person looks to another character instead of narrating it.
Keep writing because I love to read good stuff.
| ClancyBaggins chapter 3 . 5/17/2010
Cool story! Absolutely love the folk lore aspect. Hope you write more Supernatural fics and good job with your English, better than some people who’ve spoken English all their lives.
| DramaQueen92 chapter 3 . 5/17/2010
Great story thanks for recommending it