|Reviews for Sand Beauty|
| Ayy Kaim chapter 4 . 2/11/2012
I am glad that you are revising things. But I am not sure what you are leaving in.
So, I do not see what plot you have. Well, I do see what plot you have. You rewrote the Phantom Menace, but you just plugged a different character in instead of Padme and partly Anakin (in the race). I have no idea what her personality is. Does she even HAVE one? If she does, you haven't made it at all clear.
I've mentioned that I don't like the plot, seeing as I can just watch the movie to get the same plot but without the OC and with better spelling/grammar (you do kind of need a beta for that).
Now, about plot holes.
You have said that the Queen 'adopted Rani/Harenna/Renna like a child'. What sort of mother would leave her child out in the street? If Rani is being adopted by the Queen, why would they ever find her with blaster bolts in her chest? Would you leave your adopted child in the street randomly? No, of course not! Why was she hit by blaster bolts? What significance does her getting shot have to the plot?
I'm not sure what Force healing involves. I think that it involves placing the person into a semi coma. But anyway, one thing I AM sure of. It does not involve purple glows.
Qui-Gon is a Jedi. He told Padme, a fourteen year old, that he was very, VERY reluctant to have her with him in Tatooine. He would just about DIE if he was asked to take a nine year old (how old is she?). Also, the Queen 'requests' that Rani come along. Tatooine is not a happy place. The Queen knows this. This is why the Queen was forbidden to come. Yet she knowingly sends her nine year old adopted daughter into the middle of it. Something gives me the feeling the Queen does not like Rani much.
I have some issues with Rani knowing how to podrace, seeing as Anakin is (as was mentioned several times in the movie) the ONLY human who can do it. Unless Rani is the Chosen One, her reflexes will be good as you said she is force sensitive, but not good enough.
The clothes. Rani got awesome clothes. This irritates me. It is usually good if your OC gets good clothes. However, the credits were not Qui-Gon's to spend. They belong to the Temple, or the Queen. Seeing as the Temple will HATE it if Qui-Gon randomly spends money just giving a little girl a new outfit, they're probably the Queen's (I don't know where they got them, seeing as Qui-Gon was the one who had them I presume they're the Temple's). The Queen appears to have it in for her adopted daughter. The Queen is a great political figure, and she understands the value in keeping the ONLY CREDITS THEY HAVE. The credits themselves are Republic credits. Republic credits, as Watto said, are 'no good out here'. Watto didn't mean just his store, or Qui-Gon would've just found a different store. Republic credits are no good ON THE ENTIRE PLANET. The vendor would NEVER have let Qui-Gon get the clothes for Rani, because the money he received for them wouldn't be any good on planet. So you've created a mess of impossiblities there just so your OC can have a cool outfit. No.
READ THIS PLEASE
II understand my criticism may be scathing. But I make a point to write reviews while my emotions from reading the story are still there. THIS is what I thought while I was reading this. I'm not going to sugarcoat what I thought. But please don't respond with angry messages. If I have ruined your day by telling you my honest reactions, please do not ruin mine.
I don't mean to dissuade you from writing. Far from it, I hope you can write more. You need to write more. If you don't write more, how are you going to get better? If you sit and let your keyboard turn to mold, what are you gaining? Do you think that you will become better at writing in your absence from writing? No, please keep writing. Write 'Prophecy', and come up with your own plot and reasons why things happen. I've written many questions in this review. Please answer them and explain the plot holes.
I do hope you will continue writing this story. Once I post a review on a story, whenever I see updates I will read them. You can count on me for that. I'll probably keep reviewing, but even if I don't I'll still read.
May the Force be with you, The Dark Knight's Revenge.
| mistressofdarkness666 chapter 3 . 7/4/2010
I love your story so far! Please update soon!
| MasonJ chapter 3 . 6/22/2010
Aww that wz sooo sweet at the end
I hope the next chapter is longer and i already no it's going to be good
Update when u can
| MasonJ chapter 2 . 6/16/2010
ooo since theres two pods racing then maybe qui-gon can get ani's mother because in the film watto say 'no pod is worth two slaves' so because there's two maybe you could do a bet on renna and have her and anikan draw
its up to you what you do, but please update soon
| MasonJ chapter 1 . 3/27/2010
I would very much like to read more )
| peachmikey11 chapter 1 . 3/23/2010
This seems intresting... I like girl Jedis. They ROCK! I like Renna and I'm curious to see who Qui will take.
And I have a feeling Anakin will love her like Padmé from the story.