Reviews for Shattered Hopes
Wiggs Magee chapter 7 . 8/2/2010
A good peice of Fanfic
LD 1449 chapter 3 . 7/11/2010
And also, I forgot to mention for chapter two. I believe the reason Shepard left with Ashley was so they could talk in private. Not so they could be followed by half their ground team crew. It kinda defeats the purpose of privacy. Tali's behavior was also OOC considering how shy she is. Walking up to him in the middle of a public square and talking to him in a I quote "sultry" voice, is hardly the act of a person who is shy.

So far the only people you have here who arent OOC are those that have less than two dialogue lines and Shepard, who by default cant be OOC because he can be whoever the hell the player/author wants him to be.

Overall, from chapters one to three, the scene divisions and dialogue is choppy at best. The emotions the characters go through seem both inappropriate given the context of their characters, and extremely fickle given the fact that they feel one thing in one paragraph and in the next they've done an almost complete 180.

Overall from chapters 1 to 3- 4 outa 10
LD 1449 chapter 2 . 7/11/2010
Again I see a teenage, hormone driven woman instead of a possibly late twenties military career woman.

Not only was she expecting the fact that Shepard may have found another woman since they last met she still freaks out like she found a secret number on his cellphone or something.

Then she says Shepard was dead, giving importance to that now when, on horizon she barely brushed over the subject at all. In fact I don't even think that fact registered at the time for her. So for her to bring it up now seems to be, not only highly hypocritical it also makes her very OOC
LD 1449 chapter 1 . 7/11/2010
Dialogue was choppy, too many characters too quickly, to the point that it barely made sense. All members of the ground team don't HAVE to be there for a debrief.

Then Shepard brings two of the most arguably homicidal individuals of his crew to the councilor. What was the point of taking such a risk. Then grunt explains, to Shepard, the events that occurred after he accidentally punched him. How does that make sense? Shepard was the one who suffered the effects I hardly think he needs reiteration over the events.

Then Ashley keeps referring to Shepard as her 'love' every fifteen seconds for almost the entire first half of the story, reminding me more of a love sick teenager rather than a hardened military veteran who seemed more than capable of abandoning her 'love' for her ideals on Horizon after he'd just saved her.

Then Ashley can read Tali's emotions despite the Visor that covers her face. Even though, taking the sentence just before she notices that her attention was on Shepard and Anderson, not Tali.

Overall 5 outa 10 at best
Mr. 3vil chapter 6 . 5/9/2010
Pretty good, I like this story so far. Keep it up.
theluckyshot chapter 3 . 5/9/2010
Good read. Keep it up. Sorry the only thing i have to offer is praise. 300-709
Candle in the Night chapter 6 . 5/8/2010
Hah, Shala'Raan is hard! You should do a chapter where she and Shepard's mother meet each other. That would be a very interesting. Two strong military figures speaking about their children's joint relationship. Well I say children with Shala and Tali but I guesss Shala is more of a adopted mother.

Glad to see Ash being upset but mature enough to accept it. Mind you if my best friend went off with someone I loved I can't say I would quite be as accepting.

As for the chapter numbering...It's not a big issue realy. Not even an issue to the reader. Go with what you feel is best.
Daan chapter 6 . 5/7/2010
good so far.

as to the chapter naming/numbering

I reckon stick with numbers but you can include chapter names in the actual text instead...
Candle in the Night chapter 5 . 5/3/2010
Cool, I like the idea of 'meet the parents' kind of thing. I was suprised Captain Shepard was so nice actually, I mean she is a life long Alliance soldier, she is going to be tough. That is not a criticsm though, I just imagined her differently.

I look forward to the next chapter.
Ledilettant chapter 5 . 4/30/2010
I just love the family reunion.
I-Am-Silence chapter 4 . 4/7/2010
cool story.
Halo001 chapter 4 . 3/31/2010
i wonder what legion does on shore leave
Candle in the Night chapter 4 . 3/30/2010
I cannot wait for the meeting with Shepard's mother, it should be so interesting! I wonder what the Quarian tradition is for meeting your partner's parents? Something a lot different I assume,

I also liked the image of everyone packing into the airlock and waiting for Shepard to ofically declare the beginning of shore leave. Nice.
Yuri Varka chapter 4 . 3/29/2010
Nice story man, can not WAIT to see how it turns out.
doctor anthony chapter 4 . 3/29/2010
A great chapter i cant wait to see what happens next update soon.
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