|Reviews for Chúi on this!|
| Guest chapter 13 . 9/15/2012
Now that it's a year on from your last update I know it's unlikely but an update on this great story would be great, so many Ranma & Shampoo stories out there are unfinished and therefore unsatisfying (thankfully not Shampoo 1/2) so some resolution from this would be awsome. Hope you'll continue
| Hat O' Doom chapter 13 . 6/13/2011
| BonusPoints chapter 13 . 4/27/2011
This is absolutely *hilarious*. I think I am developing physical injuries from all the bird jokes, but I don't know whether or not I want the pain to stop!
I feel for female-hammer-Ranma; it sounds like she's about to be subjected to a glimpse of hell. A shame, then, that hammers are so bad at committing suicide. Your depiction of the Phoenix people really makes me think that ruling them must be the most horrid sort of existence. Saffron being able to tolerate them from lifetime to lifetime shows a surprising amount of character.
Poor Akane looks to be having trouble getting into the spirit of spontaneity that informs Ranma's and Shampoo's course of action from moment to moment.
Your continued devotion to alliteration leaves a smile on my face. I do wonder how this will end, now.
| Ganheim chapter 2 . 4/21/2011
I guess I do lo...lo…like her
[If this is past the failed wedding, then it’s long past dilettantism like this in internal character thoughts]
I think losing the orb was a bit of a blessing."
"…Because sometimes, we wouldn't win."
[Ooh, dark without overdone dramatics]
Cologne answered, "Son-in-law got transformed into a pair of sentient hammers."
[Doesn’t precisely match her speech patterns]
if you looked close enough
[You are the writer, should this not 1: be more sure, and 2: be written from the characters’ perspective(s)?]
insisting gesture's as he
the Chinese styled building
[The Nekohanten isn’t particularly “Chinese styled”, it’s more of a “traditional Japanese façade modern building” with a little bit of Chinese styling on the signage]
the two transmitted Ranmas
who Cologne expected
[Technically Akane is the object and therefore “whom”. Up until I learned the rule of “who is the subject of the, whom is the object” I was never sure on the grammar of that either]
Akane said with her voice appearing unsurprisingly irritated.
[Is the rest of her not irritated? Something about that sentence seems awkward. One of the elements is that Akane is not a perpetual, hair-trigger-temper madwoman. She’s more touchy than is good for her and holds onto grudges far too readily, but she’s relatively level-headed whenever her pride isn’t on the line]
I suppose you would be …Ranko?"
[Hadn’t Nodoka become aware of Ranma’s girl form before the destruction of the house?]
She break many things!"
[Like the roof?]
like you can't use them to well either."
but don'tcome complaining
"I know splitting up…may seem like the smart choice
[Actually, that seems like the only choice. Happosai can cover a large area (presuming he hasn’t just returned to the Tendo household), and they’re unlikely to defeat him in a fight even if they DO all clump together]
Although there aren’t a lot of strict technical errors, weak wording and some slightly confusing sentence construction make it a little harder to read through, and this problem continues into later chapters. Characterization is also spotty – particularly if this is supposed to be late-series instead of relatively soon after Shampoo arrives, when nobody’s had much time to mature.
| NightmareSyndrom chapter 13 . 4/17/2011
So many egg puns!
| R.T.Stephens chapter 13 . 4/14/2011
I definitely see an improvement in the pacing. Things are moving along at a good trek without feeling like anything is being rushed. Glad that we also got to see the grand scheme that the Phoenix are planning. It's odd, but then, what isn't with this series?
I thought the end was a little brutal but it was mostly played for laughs so I won't take too much offence.
Keep plugging along!
| CrypticMirror chapter 13 . 4/13/2011
Yay another chapter of this fic. I love how Ranma is still trapped as the two BonBori. It's going to be a hard one to escape. Still I'm sure when he gets untransformed back from being bonbori back into a human (or hopefully two humans, one to run off with Mousse and the other with Shampoo) then things will be fine. And Shampoo can go back to using her own Bonbori again as normal. Maybe she'll even give Akane and Ukyou a pair of Amazon bonbori in gratitude. Ryouga could probably use them, after all a bonbori-umbrella combo attack would be devastating.
Oh, and I still think Akane is too competent in this fic. Maybe if she trips over a pair of mace, sorry, bonbori, somewhere and ends up looking silly she'll be back to normal.
| Mr.Hq2q chapter 13 . 4/12/2011
Really happy you finally updated :)
| rewind gone nuts chapter 13 . 4/12/2011
Well, it's nice to see this updated at last, that's definately what I wish to say. But commenting in more detail is proving difficult.
So, Kiima's plan is to use the Orb of Transmutation to blackmail Ranma into serving as a figurehead ruler while Saffron is still a baby? That... kind of makes sense. It's selfish, short-sighted, self-centered and stupid. Just like the Phoenix People in canon were - the whole mess, as you had Ranma try to point out, was their fault in the first place for being so closemouthed and aggressive, and even during the story, Ranma pointed out that they could easily get more conventional power stations installed... though your notes that Saffron's heat-aura also renders the area temperate all year around and thusly is vital for feeding them also gives Kiima an actual reason why she is upset, which was a good touch.
Ranma and Shampoo's plan basically being "sneak in as far as we can, then blitzkrieg 'em" at first glance seemed a little off, as both of them are quite cunning, but then again, they're also in a position to know that fancy scheming isn't really needed to them. They wiped the floor with the Phoenix Peoples' entire army the last time they had to fight them, and this time they know that their heaviest hitter, Saffron, is out of commission and they have the element of surprise. They'll slaughter their enemies. So to speak.
Hmm... not much else occurs to me to write, other then to wish you well for writing this story and noting that I, personally, want to see it completed.
| Hammerchuckery chapter 5 . 3/26/2011
I can't read past this chapter. It's just too weird for me. Had fun though. Good luck with writing!
| Hammerchuckery chapter 3 . 3/24/2011
Plot twisting end! Wah!
| Hammerchuckery chapter 1 . 3/24/2011
How could anyone ever write something like this? Cause this is absolutely fucking hilarious. Now onto the next chapter instead of studying for my exam tomorrow!
| Mr.Hq2q chapter 12 . 1/19/2011
I really like how Akane is actually helpful and how she has a chi/Ki/energy attack that really suits her :)
| Hat O' Doom chapter 12 . 12/15/2010
This story is a fun read. Shampoo worrying is adorable the bickering between the two bird brains is fun and Ryoga thinking he is a superhero is so original.. I could go on but instead I say keep up the good work.
| R.T.Stephens chapter 12 . 12/11/2010
Nice to see another update and we finally get a heart to heart with Ranma and Shampoo. It was a long time coming but I was left with the feeling of satisfaction. Hurray!
Now I need to bring up something that I've noticed in the last few chapters. There have been several scenes that I'm reading through and a question starts to work its way into my head. It's: What does this scene accomplish?
You have an awful lot of character bickering that doesn't seem to go anywhere, such as the scenes with Masara and Koruma. I get that you are trying to flesh these two characters out but ultimately I found that I didn't care. Koruma bitching about comics was amusing for a while but he just kept going on and on about them. Ryoga piping in every now-and-then and then Ranma telling them all to shut up was fine until I'd read it about five times already. I think you could really tighten up your dialog here and make your story more compact and interesting if you'd cut out a few of these lines. I know that in the series the characters did this often but it was limited to a point and then things started happening again. Here, what I finally got out of it was that Masara was into magic, which may help Ranma since his problem was started by magic, and that the group was heading to Phoenix Mountain.
Take the scene with Ranma and Shampoo at the end for a good way that this works. They begin a conversation that leads the two into learning more about each others feelings and gain a new understanding for the other. That was terrific! I didn't feel that I was plowing through words just to get to the point as I was in previous scenes. I knew where it was leading to early on and wasn't disappointed. Everything had weight and meant something.
Now this may be the result of your particular writing style. I know that I've got my own quirks that readers find annoying so I've got my own improving to do. You're growing as an author and it shows that you are improving on things. I'd like to see that continue so that's why I'm taking the time to point this out to you. You've got a lot of buildup going into the next part but I feel that we could have gotten there already if certain scenes had been cut down a bit.
I'm looking forward to how all the parties are going to deal with things once they all reach Mt. Phoenix. I can tell that it's going to be crazy and I will certainly not miss it! Till then!
One last thing though. Ranma knows that Shampoo knows about Ryoga's pig curse. All of the main Jusenkyo cursed people know of each others curse. I found that part odd, is all.