Reviews for Challenge 4
The Great Space Hobo chapter 2 . 7/21/2010
wow, I dont want to be mean but this story is kinda creepy. the way to discrib Avery sounds like shes, like 5 or something. And the fact that Hisagi finds it sexy makes it even creeper. It just makes it wores that he just blunts out that he LOVES she's a vergin, really really creepy.

I little helpful tip, when writing its ok to make short OC's but make sure you give them, you know, normal adult look. Like if they're 20something you need to aspblish that. from what I've heard she sounds like shes 5. I have a short OC but I give her womanly aspects, like how her body is shaped and her face. And I can see if hair can kinda change color in diff lighting but you need to say that. other wise it just sounds like it starts changing on its own.

Look, to be honest this can use a big make over, but not all is lost. Just re-read it out loud and see if you dont catch whats wrong with it. Thats what helps me.